21 Days Without

A Story by Sofia

Elizabeth is stuck with the uncertainty of her long-time boyfriend's survival rate.

21 Days Without

She refused to leave the room. Nurses and family members had to drag her out of the room into the hallway. Once she made it out, nothing could hold her back. As the hands that were grasping at her arms and waist dropped, she pressed her body against the door of the room, pounding her fist on the wood. The door automatically locked, leaving her merely six feet away from her true love. So close, yet so far. So very far.. she thought. The tears streaming down her face stung her eyes, and her head ached. All this crying really did something to her. She thought she would be dry of them by then, but it seemed like she was only holding them in for weeks. If only.

Her breathing was uneven and hot, gasping in air every few seconds between treacherous screams. The indistinguishable terrors she yelled eventually turned into a repetitive streak of “No, no, no..” Sliding her body over to the window to the left of the door, she peered in, only seeing a group of doctors slowly moving about the room and around the bed. The sight made her sick to her stomach �" the pull of the IV out of his arm, the shutting off of the heart monitor. Now slamming onto the clear window with no response, she was finally taken by the shoulders and forced away from the room even further. The loud sobbing thundered deeply through the halls, averting both curious and unconcerned eyes. Clawing at the window, trying anything to be closer to the room, her father finally picked her up by the waist and carried her out of the room, her arms and legs kicking at him to let her down. Slowly, as her weeping simmered down, a haunting ring sounded her ears. A ringing she crudely found familiar; the changeless monotone of the heart monitor.

1 Day Without

One phone call and she was there. Hauling a cab was easy for Elizabeth; she was stubborn and persistent. She had to skip her History of Fashion 101 class, but she knew it could wait. The hospital had called about an accident on Broadway between a passerby and a taxi. Without many details, Elizabeth left right away.

As she walked in, she didn't know what to be prepared for. Her head felt numb, and she couldn't process everything that was being thrown at her. Elizabeth immediately sat down on the chair next to the man on the bed �" the man of her dreams, her boyfriend of three years as of March. She took Devon's hand and blocked out whatever the doctor was telling her about the accident. All she could hear was that he was in a coma, but stable. Unfortunately, it was uncertain as to how long he'd be like this. Once the doctor left the room, the tears already started building up in her eyes. Breathing in through her nose and out of her mouth unsteadily, she began to speak.

“Hey,” she breathed out, keeping Devon's hand close to her lips. “So, it looks like this might be awhile, but -” A tear dropped from her left eye to the sheet on the bed. “Just don't worry, okay, because I �" uh �" I'll be here. Everyday.” A subtle grin appeared on her face, but dropped as soon as she saw that Devon was not smiling back, mute.

3 Days Without

Elizabeth turned the door handle, silently hoping for a miracle. When she walked in to see Devon's face, cute as ever, but still the same as it was two days ago, her heart broke for the millionth time already. Sitting beside him like she had everyday so far, she felt more exhausted than usual. She took Devon's hand and started to speak dryly.

“I just got off the phone with my dad. He talked to your parents and they said-” She hesitated to say the next words, scared of what they might mean for the future. “They said that because you went to school for music against their approval, they aren't responsible for you. Um, they �" uh �" won't pay for any of these hospital bills. And, um..” Suddenly, the reality of everything hit Elizabeth like a locomotive. The fact that Devon might not be able to get the treatment that he needed, and the fact that he had to live with those types of parents for eighteen years �" the kind that won't help their child out, despite one spec of disapproval �" made Elizabeth hungry with rage. “I mean, my dad said that he can pay for it, of course, you know how much he loves you, b-but the insurance company says that you can only have life support for three weeks.” She gasped at her words, hearing them out of her mouth for the first time. Gripping Devon's hand tighter, she dropped her forehead to his fist and silently whimpered, afraid of the truth. After collecting herself, she continued. “I know �" uh �" I know that this can be a lot of time,” Elizabeth whispered, hiding the doubt in her tone. “But it's scary you know. It's scary h-how you can be given a time limit. An ultimatum. It's just so unfair, and I-I don't know if �" um �" if I-I can be able t-to do that �" to survive with the feeling that time c-can run out.”

Her low whimpering settled to a sniffle as she sat back in her chair, still holding Devon's hand, not daring to let go. A few moments go by before she breaks down again, her whole body shaking, her lips quivering, and eyebrows furring, her gasps for air scratching at her throat.

4 Days Without

“So, the doctors say there's no difference. I'm sorry, Devon.. I'm just so sorry.”

7 Days Without

“Do you remember last summer,” Elizabeth said in her usual position, now just jumping into conversation with Devon like she may never get the chance to again. “At my dad's wedding, we talked about how after college, we'd move to Europe or something?” She knew there wouldn't be any response, but the silence killed her, so she quickly continued. “Well, I thought about it and I don't want to go anywhere. New York.. It's my home �" our home. It's where I found my dream, and where I found my love.” She tightened her face, trying to keep from tearing up like she had been doing so recently. “This city �" it's a part of me, a part of us. Leaving it just wouldn't be right.”

Heaving in one deep breath, Elizabeth tried to think of other things to talk about that didn't make her want to lock herself away in an empty room and cry. The thought of her and Devon's future used to make her excited and frantic, but now after everything that has happened, it only made her despondent to the plans. Plans that may never happen �" a questionless future that may be left unfinished.

Elizabeth reached into her bag with her free hand to find her iPod. Once she found it along with a pair of earphones, she climbed onto the bed, setting herself next to Devon. Her eyes began to sting, and she could feel the pressure as she shuffled through her songs, finding the right one. She placed one ear plug into her right ear and the other in Devon's ear and played the song “Fix You” by Coldplay. The first chords strummed through her ear, and she lightly rested her head against Devon's head full of dark, unruly curls. She closed her eyes and fit her hand with his. Sighing at the familiarity of the position, she said, “This is the song you first sang to me, remember? Y-You were at that awful coffee shop and it was pouring outside. You bought me coffee and -” She stopped right there, not intending to continue the retained memory. Closing her eyes tighter, tears only came down more easily. She took in a shaky breath and said, “Devon, I miss you so much.”

10 Days Without

Every morning, as the sun beams through the window in Elizabeth's room and for one moment, everything seems okay. For a single second, Elizabeth can feel the warmth the way she would with Devon at her side, but when that feeling starts to drift, so does the warmth and happiness that came along with it. Her arms shiver cold and hands clamp to her chest. Breathing in and out of her mouth, Elizabeth was constantly reminded that there were people outside and the world was going on around her, and it didn't matter that she wished time could stop. It didn't matter that her life had something missing, because the lives around her had to proceed with their life.

Reaching out to the other side of the bed, her fingertips gently skimmed across the cold sheets. The lack of heat caused pressure in her eyes to build on, and she quickly pulled her hand back to her heart, letting the pressure in her eyes to finally break after realizing that she was alone and she could.

11 Days Without

“Devon. Okay, Dev, you have to wake up now, okay? Th-The apartment is, like, really quiet, a-and McQueen �" McQueen needs you, Dev. He misses you, and I miss you, and it's just so lonely with only us.”

12 Days Without

“Do you remember when we got McQueen? We just got our apartment �" our first one together �" and I convinced you to get him for any late nights alone while the other had a night class or something. He was the cutest thing �" still is �" but now I look at him, I think of you. I think of you and all the memories that come with.”

13 Days Without

“I think McQueen has been asking for you. His meow reminds me so much of you. It's weird, actually. Maybe I'm just crazy, but I feel like I'm seeing you everywhere. Hearing you laugh in the strangest places. I guess I shouldn't complain. I miss your laugh and your smile and you, Dev. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.”

14 Days Without

“So last night, I completely lashed out to Rachel today. And, I guess, McQueen. She came over and insisted I stay at her house for the nights. I told her that I couldn't leave McQueen home, but when she said to bring him along, I just �" I just lost it. I screamed at her and I don't even remember why. All I remember is her face getting really red and my face getting really wet with tears, and I know that I just couldn't stop, and then I heard McQueen purring on the couch, and I �" I ran to him. I ran to him, Devon. I �" I ran a-and I slept on the couch with him curling r-right against me. I don't even remember when Rachel left. But all I know is that I woke up, and when McQueen was gone from my hands, I �" I... I searched the apartment. I screamed for him, and I cried, and when I finally found him under our �" uh, the bed, I think I scared him off. N-now, Rachel's keeping him at her place, but she's made it clear that I don't have to stay with her, but that McQueen needs to stay with someone who is able to take care of him. I can't take care of him, Dev. Not without you, because I need you to take care of me and remind me to feed his bowl and to make sure he doesn't scratch on the carpet, but I can't do that without you. Dev, I need you. You need to wake up, this isn't funny, Dev.”

15 Days Without

“Dev, okay, Devon. This isn't funny. You need to c-come �" you need to come home right now. You need to �" I need to see you in the morning and to see you eat y-your sloppy cereal, a-and I need t-to hear your voice again. Your voice, Devon; I haven't heard it in so long. I need to hear you �" to hear you say my name again. Just once, Dev, please. I-I want to see th-that toothy grin, a-and those heart eyes. I miss them �" the way they made me feel. Dev, i-it's been too long. Just �" when will I see you again, Devon? W-When will you �" when will you wake up, Devon? Dev, p-please. Dev, y-you need to wake up. Devon, c'mon. Please.”

16 Days Without

“It became too much to handle �" the right side of the bed still made, the clothes in the laundry untouched, the dust building up on the keys of the piano. I left, and I'm with Rachel. I just couldn't stay there any longer. I-I just couldn't stay there, Dev.”

18 Days Without

“Oh my gosh, Devon! Why does this need to happen? W-Why did you need t-to be walking down that street a-and that stupid t-taxi need to be driving so fast, j-just why did this need t-to happen; it didn't need to happen!”

19 Days Without

“I-I can't do this. I can't walk past that coffee shop or �" or ride the subway or h-hear a song play or a-anything with-without thinking of you. Devon, there's no time. I-I'm trying to keep h-holding on and stay strong, b-but I can't �" I just can't stay st-strong. Not now, n-not �" no. I just �" Dev, I can't do this.”

20 Days Without

“No! No, there's one more day, a-and you promised. Y-you promised, Daddy, that you'd wait. Tell them �" y-you have to tell them to stop. Please, Daddy, p-please!” I can't, he said.

“You heartless monsters. Y-your son is in awful condition, a-and you don't even bother t-to visit him. Y-you don't deserve him. He �" he is nothing b-but wonderful i-in someone's life. You are his parents. Why �" why don't y-you care? Y-you need to love him �" he needed you to love him f-for eighteen years!” They hung up the phone.

“Get off me. You �" you can't do this. Dev, wake up! Don't �" don't leave me here alone; you c-can't leave me. Dev, wake up. You need to wake up! No, this �" this isn't fair. I-it just isn't fair.”

Elizabeth collapsed into her chair beside Devon, gripping his limp hand tighter hoping it would help the heart monitor surge. Her face hurt from all the crying, and her throat throbbed from all the screaming. Her father sat on the arm of the chair, holding Elizabeth's shoulders so she wouldn't shake as much. “It's okay. You're gonna be okay.”

21 Days Without

“I'm not okay.”