Zero: naught; nothing

A short fiction story about a teenager struggling with identity and size

In my freshman year of high school I was deemed a size zero in woman’s clothing while changing at a small thrift store downtown. At school in the girl’s changing room before track or gym I’d always feel a small swell of pride when girls whom I knew and didn’t know would comment on my size: “Wow your so skinny”, “I wish I was your size”, they would look at me with flushed envy and curiosity at my paper thin skin and delicate doll like bones, “What size are you?”, I would say I was a size zero and their wonderment would continue to flourish.

Sometimes I would stare at myself in the long full length mirror in my bedroom and wonder how I was able to fit my lungs and kidneys and liver and heart and brain into such a small baby bird sized body, I wondered if I was missing something because it seemed so impossible. The next day I told my friend of this and she refused to talk to me for a whole day, I asked her why and she told me to stop bragging.   

The size zero section was fairly small, and clothing I wanted to wear was rather scarce. I looked at my friends with long legs and curves I wished I had and told them of my envy. They looked at each other in surprise and confusion, half heartedly thanked me and under their breath called me a b***h. I spent the rest of the day wondering what I had done wrong.

I was often mistaken for a younger child at the high school, students would talk to me as though I were just a kid of ten, when I would tell them what my age really was they would look at me with widened eyes, mouths open slightly, gaping at the strange creature before them. “Wow you’re really small for thirteen”.

In my sophomore year of high school I became one hundred pounds. Though I was still a size zero in clothing I felt an incredible weight in my legs, I looked into the full length mirror in my bedroom and wondered at the thickness of my legs which jiggled slightly as I walked and spread out thicker when I sat. I looked a bit different, but I was still a size zero.

Over the summer I had grown tall enough to not be mistaken for a girl of ten. My legs slowly lost their magical wonder, girls stopped asking what size I was and how much I weighed, but they stilled envied me enough to keep me pacified with pride.  

In my Junior year of high school I became one hundred and five pounds. I had grown an inch taller over the summer and my features had finally begun to settle into place. I was becoming your everyday regular old teenger, and I hated it. The fairy like magic I had once possessed disintegrated before my very eyes. Everyday I stood in front of my full length mirror and watched in disgust as the fat festered on my skin.  

At school my heart would sink as the minutes in the girl’s locker room would tick by without a word of compliment to the size of my body, but as I stood by the full length mirror in my bedroom I understood the lack of attention my skin gained. I was a normal size.

I spent my summer trying to gain back what I had lost. I needed so desperately to verify myself again, to remind myself that my skin was magical and wondrous. I ran in the mornings, ate little amounts of food and kept a bottle of water on me at all times. I kept hoping to lose more weight, I desperately wanted people to look at me with wonder like they had once done. I wanted so badly to me more than just normal. So I ran more, ate less and slept often.

Over the summer I spent my time at the pool, not really swimming, just watching skinnier, smaller, fairer girls walk float around like fairies. I watched as they lounged around on towels and swam in crystal clear water. One time I saw a women mistake one of the girls for only twelve, the girl laughed and said she was sixteen, and I couldn’t help but feel a fevered envy in my throat. I remember when those comments use to bother me, but now, I wanted nothing more but to be mistake for a girl of ten again.  

One day I ran so hard that I saw sparks in my vision.

Bright flashes of light and color danced like fireworks in my eyes. My eyes grew heavy and my head grew dim, and I closed my eyes for only a moment and the fireworks ceased to exist. I felt like I was floating, just like a fairy.  

I woke up in a white room, wearing a white gown. The smell of artificial cleaning and steril metal tickled my nose. My eyes caught a glimpse of a small girl in the reflection of a window that sat next to me. The small girl’s eyes were circled with dark shadows and her collar bones protruded off her skin. We smiled. At last, a size zero again.      

Author's Note

The point of the story is to jump around and move quickly over the course of a long period of time, however since I didn't add clear transitions I don't know if it moves too fast or even too slow. Feel free to let me know any changes you think I should make to my writing :)

Reviews

[Jason Baptiste]

Greetings Elizabeth You've captivating delivery of a truly deeply personal/ public / realistic revelations was very creative, original also to me, Be what you choose, love who you are, choose what you want to listen etc Thanks for sharing your gifted creativity for enjoyed reading Happy New Year 2018 Success and beyond dreams and immigration

[Elizabeth Mars]

Thank you for reading! I'm flattered by your comment, and I hope you have a good 2018 as well :)

[Jason Baptiste]

Thanks was honored pleasured enjoyed to read you're welcome

[Sarah's words]

I think the way you wrote this is perfect... It's very striking! You are so strong for simply having written about this experience, and as i'm sure you already know, as long as one is heathy, ANY body is beautiful in it's own way. We are also all born and made different to the bone, so will be different sizes! It's saddening the way society has made us think we need to fit a certain image. Easier said than done, but walk confidently with your beautiful body, and others will then see beauty:) And I also relate very much to this whole piece... Anyways, beautifully written!

[Elizabeth Mars]

You are too sweet, thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words! Thanks for reading my piece, and thanks for everything you had to say. :)

[Thepensiveplayer]

Young lady you've certainly been through a lot thus far and I commend you for writing this piece. I think sometimes people need confidence and reassurance in the right areas in life. For me I offer this to you, your a decent person just the way you are. We all have our struggles in life, but all you need is someone willing to listen, support, and help you through it. Whatever awaits you down the road of life, I'm confident that you will succeed and put the naysayers to rest. Take care.

[Elizabeth Mars]

Thank you for your kind words and advice, I really do appreciate what you have to say :) you have a very strong and kind heart

[SilverInk]

I really enjoyed this short story, it was beautifully worded and paced. It's great to read first person narratives about topics like eating disorders, because it's difficult to understand the struggle otherwise. Thank you for this!

[Elizabeth Mars]

Glad you liked it, thanks for reading :)))

[conversations with her ..]

This is interesting, i really liked the idea of it all.

well done

I'm new on here, and it would be such an honour if you can review some of my poems!

[Elizabeth Mars]

Thank you for reading, I'm glad you liked it :) I'll be sure to check out some of your poems in the future

[Jasmijn]

I love the way you write, very captivating! Keep writing! And I hope you're okay now! It's a difficult topic to write/ think about. I was always doubting my weight/ looks too. But being healthy is all most people can dream of! x

[Elizabeth Mars]

Thank you so much! Luckily this piece is primarily fiction so my own personal problems never became as serious as the girl's problems in this piece :)

[Skylar Hooke]

I study Nutrition at college and have an interest in eating disorders. What's always so wrong is how they never get the raw feeling. This is what needs to be understood about people, they have so many reason yet in between the lines you can tell it's not really what you want since no one really wants it. I don't think I've enjoyed a short narrative like this for a while. Great work.

[Elizabeth Mars]

I'm thrilled you enjoyed my work, eating disorders are really difficult to write about, so I'm glad that someone like you who is educated on the topic was able to understand the depths and pains of this story. Thank you so so much :)

[Cyprian Van Dyke]

You have a way with writing. It's an interesting story that seemed to cover a large duration of time. Your story taught me a lot about the kind of people I'm not, thank you for that. I always like to be educated. Btw, I love your name!!!!

[Elizabeth Mars]

Thank you so much, I appreciate that you are so open to learning about new things and different kinds of people. (and thanks :) I'm quite pleased with my name as well)

[Asante]

This was amazing, wow! I love, love, love the way the narrative slowly unfolded and wrapped me into what was really going on in the story. I had ideas at first, but once everything clicked, it was a "holy cow" kind of moment. Bittersweet, but it made me smile no less. :)

"I spent my summer trying to gain back what I had lost. I needed so desperately to verify myself again, to remind myself that my skin was magical and wondrous. I ran in the mornings, ate little amounts of food and kept a bottle of water on me at all times. I kept hoping to lose more weight, I desperately wanted people to look at me with wonder like they had once done. I wanted so badly to me more than just normal. So I ran more, ate less and slept often." This was something that I wish could be read to people everywhere who battle anorexia, bulimia, and so on. You put the reader right into the mind, body, and actions of someone who has personally gone through it.

Strong work, Elizabeth! Looking forward to reading more. :)

[Elizabeth Mars]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate everything you have to say, thank you!

[Asante]

My pleasure!

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Quite effective and also quite scary. We have folks among us like the late, great Karen Carpenter who starve themselves to death..and for what? To fit in or be the girl in the magazine? I like a woman with curves myself and someone healthy and secure in their body. But I completely understand and appreciate your story. Good work.

[Elizabeth Mars]

Yes the topic is very scary, and its tragic that people feel the need to fit a certain body to feel secure and happy with themselves. I'm so happy you understand and that you took the time to read my work, thank you!

[Fabian G. Franklin]

My pleasure and I encourage you to keep up the good work. Your writing is very good. I particularly like the flash and move sense of it. I wrote a similar piece entitled, From My Chair about an old man (the old man was me) in an old folks home reliving moments of his life in his mind...addressing dementia and alzheimer's. My mother suffered dementia in her final days and it was something I was firsthand acquainted with.