2000 Degrees Fahrenheit

Truth is transparent and causes calamity

It's music to my ears as I hear the destruction

Like a diamond under pressure

It reveals what is lesser

Destruction can find gold

It depends on the oppressor

Reviews

[Namus]

The last line.. I don't know how to put it.. kind of, ‘turns’, I think is the only verb that suits, it turns, and looks at you in the face--nice!

[JayG]

The problem you face is that for you this will work perfectly. But it does, only because you begin reading with both context and intent, both of which the reader lacks. The emotional context and backstory is there for you and missing for the reader because you're talking TO them, and focusing on facts, instead of working to make them feel and care.

In other words, you're writing an informational poem, not one that will induce emotion in the reader. But being made to react, emotionally, is why we read poetry.

Look at your words, not as the author, but from the seat of a reader:

• Truth is transparent and causes calamity

Demonstrably, untrue. If I tell you that the sun is shining, when it us, what calamity is the result? And in what way is truth transparent to ME? Wouldn't you have to know a given reader pretty well to know they'll react to the words as you want them to?

See what happens when most of the story leading to that declaration remains in your head, inaccessible to the reader?

• It's music to my ears as I hear the destruction

You know what you mean. The people involved know what you mean, but...shouldn't the reader know? to the reader, someone unknown is happy that unspecified things happen to people not identified, for never revealed reasons.

If a reader lacks context as-they-read, you have a reader who's turning away. There is no second, first impression.

Always remember that our goal is to pull the reader in, emotionally, and make it feel as if it's happening to them in real-time, as they read. And we can't do that with the nonfiction approach to writing that we practiced endlessly via assigned reported and essays in school. That article I link to below is meant for a scene in fiction-writing, but the approach, that of motivation and response is as valid for poetry as for fiction:
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

[Namus]

Dear me, boy! Ha ha! You go out of your way to criticize a newcomer, it would have been cool if your points were at least valid! Eg, "Truth is transparent and causes calamity"--seemed to me to be the most poetic line in the piece and a perfect introduction. "Demonstrably, untrue"? well, then "If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov'd."---demonstrably self-contradictory! Take the words of a mathematician man, we're not here for a news-report, we're here for poetry that can have metaphorical dimensions, and seeming contradictions---which you yourself seem to have embraced in your second paragraph (about "informational poem"s, whatever that may be. :)). This is what seems to have been lacking in your understanding of the structured creative writing advice. About your last few lines, it is subtle, rather subtle how to pull in a reader!--(the ones you mention are common guidelines, not commandments) which is why often the greatest of the writers advice writing for one particular person, or not caring about readers in general at all. The point being, if it is really good for any one person, it's probably quite good for many. If it is a piece trying to please the majority, it's a mediocre piece at best. Some structural idea is helpful, and should develop with maturity, but let that not kill the creative urge that is the beginning and the end of this business! I'm not scolding you, I sincerely hope that you grasp this bit about literature. Best wishes.

[JayG]

• Dear me, boy! Ha ha! You go out of your way to criticize a newcomer, it would have been cool if your points were at least valid!

First, you spelled critique wrong. Second, I am not your dear boy. I’m probably old enough to have fathered you.

If you have something to say that might help this author, post it. That’s what the comments window is for. If your advice is more accurate then mine, it will move the author to thank you and follow the advice. Attacking other members because they don’t say what you want to hear is for trolls, not serious writers. And trying to start a flame war in someone else’s thread is also trollmanship. So I’ll respond in your thread.
- - - - - - - - - -
To the author of this piece: I suggest you use the little red x mark to remove this and the post I’m responding to, since they don’t relate to your poem.

[Namus]

person, then (:) geez, people are so sensitive these days!). quick notes: 1. I spelt criticize correctly. 2. my father (who was an a*s), if he was alive would have been over ninety today. 3. you seem keen on finding mistakes in others, but lack the aptitude to find it. 4. you responded to none of the points I made _about the authors writing_.5. If comments about user-reviews were forbidden, they would have been disabled. 6. You seem to know all about trolling, and flame wars--I sincerely hope you'd come out of your bitterness and find peace.

But I shall not entertain dishonesty, or allow a budding poets heart be crushed by a bitter man. I shall wait to see what the author or the administrators of this site do from the evidence on this thread. I shall not respond to you further. Good day.

[JayG]

True to the troll credo, you're hijacking someone else's thread to spew venom, when you should be helping the author improve their work.

As for your claims? Since you haven't the courage to use your own name, they're just that, claims. Were you a writer I might take them more seriously.

[Jeremy (J.C.K)]

Thank you for your critique