Epitaph

Piece of Spoken Word I'm working on, let me know what you think. It's about being taken into protective services.

He was given a bear..

..like Teddy's a cure

                                          for broken

when what broken needs

is the sanity of family

and some room to breathe

but they wouldn't understand that

it's the other's that foster,

that fester, fear and hide in holes

that daily sob

with their arms

outstretched,

forgotten in a numbing cold.

they just sow

pick up the scraps

slowly put them back.

Then laugh that the torture on the inside

didn't make them capable

of re-entering society

of being a cog

 in the well fueled machine

 nonetheless provide us with the scents 

we admit when we scream 

alone in the dark with no-one to hear

but the ears safely lodged between each tear

So We follow

we follow

the first passage out

of a cloudy

misted environment

into another murky being and

My hand disappears

in front of yours.

Around us

others laugh

as we mis-represent the beauty of

representation in resenting the human form.

Ah, this cancerous pack of sheep

to easily sleeps in the creases of wolf skin:

too eager to howl,

to moan and bray

under the influence

of a bubbling blue moon.

But when would I leave?

When stones speak?

When nails strike board

or skeletons wash ashore?

And who should I abhor?

But the bitten hands

that placed them there,

force-fed them melted-pot-slop

and sent them on their way?

And Oh! what better position

than fame

juxta feeble organic frame

As poor sold on excess

sunk, spoke, left

a vacant layered mess?

I don't know

I sit stoned,

gazing

at the gallery's opening night.

Stunned

by the crowned galleons

and valleys of illuminated gold.

Reviews

[Corisica]

This. I am not capable of this freestyle type of writing. It's clipped and short, but the form makes it feel long -- like the passing of time, growing up into a broken world of humanity. And honestly, it made me feel dragged down. Kind of like a wake up call to the destructive machine that is humanity.

"Around us
others laugh
as we mis-represent the beauty of
representation in resenting the human form."

Mis-represent the beauty of representation in resenting the human form.... The almost double-negative throws me off here. You do not represent resenting the human form well? Does that mean you think you resent the human form, but internally you have some passion for it? and are, therefore, misrepresenting it?
If that's so, that's a deep AF' stanza.

I had to read it more than once, but I thoroughly enjoyed it's non-form.

[Thomas Skahill]

Thanks I really like your feedback and the fact you like that stanza, it was kinda thrown together just before posting it here. haha happy accidents. Does it fumble at all while you read through it?

[Corisica]

Fumble as in?

[Thomas Skahill]

When your reading it your head or out loud does it look/sound off?

[Thomas Skahill]

apart from what you already said haha, like in a bad way i suppose

[Corisica]

I guess it's a little hard to follow... But after taking a few English classes on the collegiate level, it's easier to decipher through and make connections to bigger ideas portrayed.
The teddy bear line does throw me off though. at the end of the poem, I feel like the speaker has aged quite a bit. I don't really see where he ages, though. At the point when "My hand dissapears into yours" it seems like he's a lot older. than his upbringing in the previous stanzas.

[Thomas Skahill]

Yea It's a combination of two poems I've been trying to bring together but I've been having trouble with it making sense to other people. I am usually alot more willing to take creative liberties with my own work and just assume my associations are the common ones haha. Basically I over write my work. I might work on it later so it's nice to know what you think.

[Corisica]

Don't be afraid to add more to it. I think you'll achieve more clarity with this one if you add a bit more for us to latch onto.

[New Theory]

Wow, is this awesome or what?

Legendary man. It was really a great read, an emotional piece which touched my heart.

Thanks for sharing it with us. May god bless you.

[Thomas Skahill]

Hey, thanks man I'm glad it was capable of doing something (that's always the hope right?). Thank you for reading it, God bless.

[New Theory]

You are welcome man :). God bless you too.