six months without you

A Poem by rosie

someone i loved didn't speak to me for six months. these are the six months.

september
september hurt
it was a waiting game
my heart was heavy
my lungs filled with ash
where there used to be fire.
september felt like an eternity
i pretended that i cared
about anything else
i cried so much
that my tears
hurt my face.
i didn't know why
or how
or when
nobody had anything to say
why were you gone

october
october i understood
your words were plastic comfort
with promises that didn't exist
october was numb
i wanted you there
your hands haunted my mind
want them on me.
but i knew
it was over
i wished you could see me
i feared you every corner
and myself
was i toxic
filled with evilness and shame
i missed you
i dreamt of you
no longer "my boy"

november
november the leaves fell
crisp air in my lungs
made the ash float around
i coughed it up.
the ocean was icy
i wished you would drown
but i didn't really
because i still loved you
warmth enveloped me
in friends
in family
intoxicated
sleeping and sleeping and making the hurt go away
it didn't
it wouldn't
i thought that it would never

december
december was solemn
full of friends and laughter
sparkling snow
candles in my room
maybe i didn't think of you one day
i wished you could see me
deep down secretly.
joked about it
alone in my room
stared at the ceiling
convincing myself for hours that you were bad
my friends convincing me
hiding it from everyone else
it was funny
it was a joke
it was silly

january
january was hateful
emotional
salty tears
fiery heart
and i did it
tricked myself into thinking it
but still the same anxiety whenever i walked down those cobblestone streets.
the sadness came
all i wanted to do was talk to you
but the anger
too much music
can't i just punch you
what an a*****e
what a jerk
white knuckles

february
february was concerning
i could get you out of my mind
i smiled
and laughed
you were gone
but still
an echo of your voice.
it was poignant
and as the ashy violets started growing in my lungs
you came back
does progress revert
like the first day of school after a long summer
who will force me to remember what i learned in the past
how to move on
how to say no
how to build a brick wall without finding a way over it
i cannot