Choices

God, he's here.

 

Mae has been seeing him quite often lately - twice a week, to be exact. He would be in the canteen a little past 1, having lunch with Liz. This time, she looked down as she passed by their table, pretending to be completely oblivious of their presence. Maybe they wouldn't notice her. Maybe Liz or Mark would call her attention and say hi. As she bought her food, however, her heart made her voice shake, enough to be heard by the friendly lady in the canteen.

 

"OK ka lang ba, Ma'am Ganda?"

 

She smiled and tried to regain her mask of cheerfulness with the quirkiest voice she could muster.

 

"Opo naman, Mommy. Bakit naman ako hindi magiging OK?"

 

She winked at the lady, who laughed at her as she walked away. She returned her gaze to the floor, skipping a little as she walked past them again. As she strode the green lawn, her face grew tired of the mask she wore. Tears threatened to pour from her eyes as she silently cursed herself for being so weak - for letting the sight of them affect her.

 

~o*o~

 

Somehow he knew that Mae was there. He felt that all too common tug in his guts. True enough, seconds passed and she swung into view. She was wearing ridiculously baggy pants and a tight shirt that emphasized her curved waist. A flashback came to his mind - something that happened barely a month ago - which made him hastily return his attention to the girl in front of him, who gave him an expressionless stare.

 

"Well?" Liz said.

 

"Well what?" Markin replied as he attacked his lunch.

 

"Hindi mo ba s'ya babatiin?"

 

Markin gave Liz a sly look and smiled. "Birthday ba nya at kailangan ko syang batiin?" Liz gave him a small shrug and returned to playing with her food.

 

While Liz was absently toying with her food, he stole glances at Mae every now and then. It seemed she lost a little weight, judging from the size of her waist, but the baggy pants really made her look huge. Her voice filled the canteen as she spoke - her perpetually cheerful voice that had a little extra on it, a sort of "lambing" to whoever she was talking to. Another memory flashed in his head, her voice sounding very different from her usual perky one. He distracted himself from the memory by imagining himself grabbing her waist. He could almost hear her surprised gasp, and her wild laughter as she would hit him playfully. He almost smiled at the thought.

 

He swallowed his last piece of chicken, just as she walked past again. She smelled differently this time - maybe it was a new perfume? He liked the old one better, the one he often used to piss her off by saying it smelled like fresh panties. It suited her, the old perfume: subtle, but very sexy.

 

"Tapos ka na?"

 

Mark nodded. "Tara?"

 

As they walked back to the department, he thought how lucky he was. He had Liz - his new-found best friend and with whom he had all the intentions of starting a daring office romance. Liz was pretty, quite hot, smart, funny and could understand him more than anyone else could. Mark knew that he already hit the jackpot this time, and that he should be really happy. But no matter how many times he smiled, no matter how loud he tried to laugh, there was a part of him that was stuck in melancholy. And it's that part of him that Mae occupied every now and then.

 

~o*o~

 

"Oh my God. Ma'am, si Mark ba yon?"

 

Mae rolled her eyes at Regine, her co-teacher and friend. "Yes, Reg. Can we not make a big deal out of it? Please lang?" Regine looked at her, puzzled. "Pero Ma'am, bakit kasama nya si Liz?"

 

Mae could only sigh. It was a week after the last time she saw them. Now, it was another Tuesday, and instead of being alone, she was with Regine. They were going to buy lunch in the canteen, much to her dismay. She had thought that they were going to order fast food today, but no one felt like it. And so, she found herself walking to the canteen again, and there she found Mark again. With Liz. Again. It must've been the first time Regine saw them together, which explains the unnecessary exclamation. Which meant she had some explaining to do.

 

A month ago, the entire university was witness to the budding romance that was Mae and Mark. Almost everyone agreed to the fact that they looked marvelous together. They met at the new professor's acquaintance party, where they found out that they had a ton of things in common. Numbers were exchanged, and they started texting. They went out a couple of times, and they were very public. Both of them sang, so they were always the ones asked for in university events. They also were great hosts - they complemented each other with a chemistry that was almost impossible to believe. And every time they were on a school activity, they publicly showed affection towards each other. Mae rode on Mark's bike with her arms around his waist. They were seen by their students laughing together, walking together, eating together, and singing on stage together. They became the university's favourite love team - Miss M and Sir M. Even their names seemed so perfect for each other.

 

Then, all of a sudden, the dream ended. The story was cut short. Because Mae called it quits.

 

Now, the entire school was left wondering - what ever happened to the love team? Mae believed that Mark and Liz were public, too, and she could only imagine the thoughts of the students. Why is Sir M with someone else? Does Miss M know about Ma'am Liz? Did the love team just split, only after a month?

 

She was snapped out of her reverie when she tripped on a huge root. Regine caught her, Thank God, and was saved from an awfully huge embarrassment. Mae quickly turned to look at Mark, to see if he saw her. He didn't. Mae exhaled a sigh of relief and straightened up. "Thanks, Reg," she said. They continued their walk to the canteen in silence. She kept whispering to herself not to look at Mark's direction, but her eyes always seemed to snap back at him. She could hear his voice, now that she was much nearer. She smiled beside herself; she missed the sound of his voice. Mae had always admired Mark's voice - whether he was hosting, singing, or just talking to her. There was something about his voice that made her want him every second she heard it. It was a voice that never failed to make her smile.

 

They bought their food and exited the canteen without Mark or Liz noticing them. Mae whispered a silent prayer of thanks, but also felt like probing her heart again. She wanted to ask herself: was he that into her that everything around him disappears? She shook these questions off her head. She kept reminding herself that this was HER choice. She was the one who let him go. And she really couldn't blame him if he found himself a new "best friend".

 

The minute they stepped into the faculty room, Reg burst a million questions at her.

 

"Oh my God, Ma'am! Bakit sila magkasama? Sila na ba? E di ba kayo yung lumalabas dati? Oh my God talaga. What happened sa inyo? Hindi na ba kayo lumalabas? Nag-away ba kayo? Anyareee?? Tell meeee!!"

 

Mae couldn't help but laugh at her friend. Regine may be tactless and too cocky sometimes, but she was as funny as hell. She threw herself on the faculty couch, and Regine followed suit. With a heavy sigh, she launched the shortest version of the story.

 

"Hindi na 'ko single."

 

Regine rolled her eyes. "Malamang, di ba? Witness nyo ang buong unibersidad."

 

"No. Hindi si Mark. It's... someone else."

 

Regine's jaw dropped, and she fell silent. It took her a few seconds to recover. "B-bakit? Teka lang, Mae, ha. You're telling me na after that whirlwind romance with Mark, biglaan ka nagka-boyfriend?" She threw her hands in the air. "Ano yan, kabute? Biglang andyan na? At bakit hindi ko alam to, aber?" She raised her eyebrow at Mae. "Ikaw Madam. Hindi na ata ako ang best friend mo."

 

Mae laughed at her friend's reactions. "'Te, alam mo namang ikaw lang ang BFF ko," she said, playfully hitting Reg's shoulder. "Hindi ko lang nasabi kasi…" She then stopped. Why didn't she tell Regine about Robert? In fact, why didn't she tell Mark that while she was dating him, there was someone else courting her? Wasn't that the "right" thing to do? God, I've been unbelievably stupid.

 

Realizing that there was no other way but to tell her the entire story, she sighed and told her side.

 

~o*o~

 

"Mark, 'di ka nanaman nakikinig."

 

Mark looked up and found Liz frowning at him. They were having dinner near his place, where he had planned on taking her and making her spend the night. However, all his thoughts were suddenly interrupted when he decided to look at the messages on his phone. He found Liz's messages - there were about 30, and then he saw the last message she sent him.

 

"Happy birthday, soulmate. I love you."

 

He knew that he shouldn't be bothered with it, and he shouldn't allow it, but memories quickly flooded his mind. Mae's laughter, her amazing singing voice, the feel of her hands on his on that stage, the taste of her mouth while he was on top of her, her moans and her laughter when they were jumped by Fudge, his annoying and nosy cat. Their first and last were in his pad, and in the heat of the moment, Fudge decided to jump on the bed and plop himself on Mae's tummy. They both screamed and laughed. Mark tried to make the cat leave, but he settled himself on the corner of the bed, his beady eyes looking at them like they were a reality show. They decided to give him a show and continued. Only after they were done did the cat leave. This made Mae laugh even harder.

 

"May katext ka ba?" Liz already sounded pretty annoyed, and there was only one thing that annoyed her.

 

"I'm not texting her, don't worry," Mark took her hand across the table. He stroked her hand with his thumb, searching her eyes. "Wag ka na mainis, papangit ka. I was just deleting messages."

 

Liz raised an eyebrow. "Why were you smiling then?"

 

"I read your messages kasi. So sweet." He gave her hand a little squeeze while he smiled at her. He knew her weakness was his smile, and it worked. Liz's face became light again. Although, now there was something in her eyes. Something that wasn't there last week.

 

"So.. Ihahatid mo ba ako?"

 

Mark studied her hand while he thought of all the possible reasons why he shouldn't sleep with her. The school wasn't exactly prohibiting office romance, as long as there were no public displays of affection - something Mae and him violated. Now he knew why things like those should've been kept a secret. Her face suddenly came up at the back of his mind, clear as a cloudless sky. Why did you have to choose him? Why didn't you choose me?

 

She did, remember? You just didn’t let her.

 

"Do you wanna hang out muna at my place? Have a drink or two?"

 

~o*o~

 

Mark lit his cigarette and stood by his balcony. He took a whiff of smoke and created little smoke rings. It was half past three, and Liz was sleeping soundly on his bed. She was definitely hot, and the sex was better than he expected, but he felt disconnected, somehow, like how he felt before with all the other girls he slept with. He'd been with all kinds of girls, mature women and barely legal teens, and he always felt satisfied after. Satisfied, but somehow empty. That was before Mae. Now everything was back to normal. The hole inside him threatened to grow, but he had it under control. He had no choice but to control it.

 

He threw the last bit of his cigarette and went back inside to get his phone. His inbox used to be filled with Mae's messages - sweet nothings, morning greetings, good nights, and even a fight. There was a saved conversation he decided not to erase.

 

Will you fight for me?

 

I don't understand you, Mae.

 

I could let him win, but I don't want him to. So will you fight for me? Just tell me what you feel and I'll let him go. Are you going to let him have me, just like that?

 

Mae, it's not that simple. Hindi mo ako pwedeng papiliin ngayon. It's too soon.

 

Is that all you have to say?

 

I don't have to say anything.

 

He knew he had to erase this sooner or later, and so he did. He cleared his gallery of her pictures a week ago, but he forgot to clean his messages. After removing Mae's traces on his inbox, he then opened his drafts folder, where a single message was saved. He knew he should erase this, too, in case Liz opens his phone. But before he erased it, he read it over and over again, wishing he sent it. But now, it had to be erased, and then everything will be reduced to a memory. A bittersweet memory that he would soon forget.

 

Thanks, Mae. I love you.