Walking in Existence

Following both a fictional and real person down the path of life...

By the Intelligence and Hands of Eternity, a design for a physical vessel was directed, implemented, and formed in the womb of a woman, who was a way-later descendant from the first human female (the human female who was created from the rib of the first male; the first male who was made from the dust of creation and a Breath from Eternity’s Mouth). This design for the physical vessel came from a group of Thoughts in Eternity’s Mind and a Desire from Eternity’s Heart to create. For you see, Eternity was planning a creation, a new human. With the physical vessel already done, Eternity breathed the soul into the vessel (‘sparking life’).  

I was born. I became ‘existing.’

‘Existing’ meant me being placed upon a ‘road’ that flowed with streams of finite time (in other words, the universe). I took my first step; my mind already begun to think. ‘Existence’, the universe, was new to me. My....well, I did not know the term at that moment, or common language, but...my soul contained two forces within it: a brightly-lit stone and a foggy darkness. I was aware of these forces, but I did not know what they were, how to describe them, and how to fully understand them.

If I could have formed decently structured questions in my mind and language, they would have been something like these: What was the stone? Why is it heavy? Why does the stone light up? What was the darkness? What is this shape I walk in? What is feel? Why do I feel? Why am I drawn? What is drawn? Why do I want? Why do I need? Why do I dream? What is it that I eat and drink? What is sound? What sounds can I make? What are these figures around me? Why do they make sounds? How can I understand? What is walking? Why do the figures walk? What do I really want? What does this and this mean? What is real? Etc, etc...

As I took another step, I found ‘voices’ (voices could come from anything, anywhere, and/or any human, in any shape, in any color, in any form, in any sense, at any time, you get the picture). Each non-human external voice made an off-shoot ‘path’ from the main road of flowing time. Many humans walked; only a few seemed to stay consistently on the main road.  The non-human external voices constantly talked from their paths, but they only really came to my ‘ears’ when I let them and focused on them. The same happened with human voices, in which I chose to really ‘hear’ them or not; however, the human voices spoke only now and then, or if I asked and they allowed themselves to ‘express’ to me. The voices of the two forces within my soul never stopped talking, even in my sleep, but the difference from the non-human external voices, was that the two voices’ ‘sayings’ always came to my ‘ears’, whether I liked it or not. Additionally, there was this weird, unique external voice that seemed to echo across the universe when it willed in any form at any time that I also could not ignore with my ‘ears’. I called that random voice: Mystery. Whenever Mystery did speak, it would say something like: “Stay on the main road, the road that flows with time, or else.”

Apart from Mystery, as I ‘existed’, I noticed the external voices were affecting my two internal voices. An external voice either amplified the volume of the voice of my soul’s force of darkness or the voice of my soul’s force of the brightly-lit stone. Sometimes, the voices of the two forces were amplified at the same time because of an external voice that attracted both or because two external voices came about at the same moment (one voice for each force-voice). Yes, I had pain, not just because of the sounds and pressure, but additionally, I could not decide which voice I should listen to. So, despite Mystery’s random echo of staying on the main road, I decided to explore, dissect, and observe all of the external voices...both human and non-human....hoping for some answer.

I tried everything....every philosophy, every thought, every idealized action, every desire, every pleasure, every ethic, every wisdom, every emotion, every religious ritual, every experiment, every value, every institution, every relationship, every lifestyle, every person, every expression, every location, every object, every creature, every exercise, every program, every diet, every drug, every thrill, every inclination, etc, etc, whatever you can think or heard of (no matter how your language defines it)....except for reading the Bible itself (the Old Testament and the New Testament).  

Unfortunately, these journeys turned out to be mostly futile. All the off-shoot paths ended up at a dead end with a pile of ash showering off a cliff. Some voice-paths did give me now and then happiness ‘highs’, but I could not change the fact that I could no longer continue walking in its direction. When other humans came to the point of the dead end, I noticed they chose to do one of these three choices: just keep walking back and forth on the off-shoot path, let themselves go off the cliff and down into an abyss of ending ‘existence’, or try another path. What about the external voices of the humans? I had a hard time trusting them because they kept on contradicting their own voice...I could not even trust myself because whatever mixture of voices I picked or crafted as ‘my own voice’, I contradicted (in thought, word, and/or deed). 

Despite my efforts, I was still empty and answerless. I may have had gained knowledge about the voices and their results, but I still did not really know anything objectively or without question. Almost every emotion possible swirled in me....my desires and longings were not completely satisfied...the burdens from other humans, from the consequences of my choices, and from myself as a whole piled onto me until I could no longer breathe correctly....even more questions popped up in my head to replace previous ones. Also, at that point, all the voices of the off-shoot paths and some human voices began to speak together, really loud, in my ‘ears’. Of course, at that same time, the two internal voices of the forces kept on arguing within me. In combination, all of this pushed me to scream incredulously...not just a couple of times, but many times. I was a mess, a complete mess with age and decay spewing from my lips and body.

I chose to lie down on the ground...no walking, no moving...but no matter how much I tried to keep my eyes shut, no matter how long I kept my body on the ground, no matter if I was able to get a few of the external voices to shut up, no matter even if I screamed at the voices all around in ‘existence’ to be quiet, no matter even if I meditated or try to isolate myself, I could not get myself to fully fall asleep. Mystery’s voice kept on waking me up, some humans yelled at me as to why I was just lying there, the sounds of nature kept playing its music, and my internal two voices would not stop arguing!! I even tried to end my life, but some voice, internal or external, kept me from fully going through with it (I either turned away from one of the cliffs or kept the material knife from stabbing my heart).

Soon, despite this chaos, I noticed writing that was etched on the force of the brightly-lit stone. I did not really notice it before....yet that thought was wrong, the writing was always there...all the time...since I was first born into the world...I was so distracted by voices and the physical existence that I forgot about it. I read the writing.

The writing on the stone...it was...truth, real truth. The writing expressed things that were universal to all my explorations...to all the results...a common morality....a real and true objectiveness...but it still was ‘half of an answer’. I wondered: where did the writing come from? Where did it originate? Was there more of these writings somewhere? I told myself that I had to keep searching (my soul thirsted for ‘the other half’).

 I listened and listened...over and over again...as the voice of the stone echoed the writing. The writing really was amazing in how, again, relatable and objectively true it was when compared across all the experiences of the dead end paths and the reflecting dissections I had done to my soul. However, my darkness voice did not like the fact that I was listening to the writing. The force of darkness told me to leave the writing alone, but I ignored the suggested idea. Later though, the force of darkness’s doubts took over my ‘ears’ and plagued me heavily. I re-experimented, going back to each dead end path, in order to reinforce to my mind that the stone’s writing was and is universally objective. My results turned out the same: the writing was universally objective, the truth. Additionally, I also found that none of the dead end paths matched the writing exactly, or even mostly.

At this final conclusion, Mystery echoed its usual warning. I began to think that Mystery was really “letting on to something”. So, I listened to the voice and started walking back on the main road of time. Soon, a different external voice came to me; it sounded similar to Mystery, but not exactly. I called it Mystery Two and it followed me along the path of the main road (I could not pinpoint its origin and it did not have an off-shoot path like the other external voices if it was non-human). After a while, I came upon a group of people on the main road.  They all held a book....a book that I had heard of or about from other external voices in criticism or praise....a book that was briefly mentioned in verse form in other books I had read...it was the Bible. I picked up a copy of it. I observed that some people kept on walking on the main road and reading it, while others just sat with it on the main road. Additionally, there were a few humans who had fallen asleep on the main road with the Bible in their hands.

I could not decide which action I should choose. Mystery Two told me to keep walking on the main road with the Bible and so, following the voice’s direction, I did. As I read and walked, I begun to realize that the writing on the stone within me matched exactly to the words, rules, and wisdom of the Bible. It was exciting and wondrous, but at the same time, I felt a lot of guilt. Hopelessness, emptiness, and bitterness were still within me. My internal force of darkness played on these feelings and thoughts consistently. Additionally, the force of darkness kept on reinforcing to me that it did not like that I was listening to Mystery Two and the chapters of the Bible (even some external voices spewed a similar distaste towards me as well). But I kept my stance, pushing myself to read and to understand; I even prayed to this God that the Bible talked about for guidance and enlightenment. The main road did not come to a ‘dead end’ per say, like the rest of the paths, but a wall soon came upon me, blocking me from continuing on, and I could see no way around it.

The wall was called Grace, a concept I understood in my mind, but did not ‘understand in my heart’. I knew that the Bible told me that ‘grace’ was related to God...that it was what Jesus Christ did His work, sacrifice, and resurrection for....but I could not grasp the concept whole-heartedly. I actually questioned its truth and objectiveness because it was not written on the stone. So, I turned away and took another path. ‘Twas a new off-shoot path, yet similar to something I had experienced before.

On this path, my internal voice of the force of darkness was amplified in great measure. The external voice of the path, along with some humans on it, told me there was only the writings on the stone and that the concept of ‘grace’ was a subjective lie. Using these ideas as ammo, the internal voice of the force of darkness fought and took over the majority of my soul. I began to believe I could only save myself and give myself ‘life’ by obeying the writings...since I failed them, I believed there was no hope for me at all, that I might as well accept my damnation or accept the idea that the universe was all that there is. These voices brought me to the cliff of the path, but I stopped myself from going off the edge because I began to remember that I took similar paths of these ‘philosophies’ before....their dead ends and the lack of life they had. The fact that even this ‘new’ path of following supposed ‘objectiveness’ led to a dead end also speared into my soul.

I turned away. I could hear Mystery Two echoing for me to come back. I could see the wall of Grace as it shimmered like a star in the sky. I ran, back towards the main road. Thorns from the off-shoot path unusually just grew out of nowhere and tripped me over. Some humans even latched onto me, trying to keep me from going back. The pressure and a desire to lie and fall asleep....to numb myself again....came over me, but I managed to pull myself back onto my feet, fight the desire, throw off the humans, and run.

Many external voices spoke loudly and/or screamed after me. My internal voice of the force of darkness was yelling into my ‘ears’ and ‘bouncing off the walls’ of my soul to not go to the wall. My wounds of all sorts (past and present) kept cracking and bleeding. Memories crazily twirled in my head. The burdens on my back grew heavier, as if gravity was increasing, and I could barely breathe (once again).

I kept pushing onwards though, until finally, I fell to the ground, face-down, with my palm on the wall of Grace. I cried and cried. I expressed every suffering I had, every shame, every thought, every emotion, and a summary of every voice I had listened to....then I prayed to the God of the Bible for the wall to be let down so I could keep moving. Nothing happened. I then desperately screeched my want to go beyond the wall...my thirst to understand ‘grace’, to have it, to hear it, to feel it, to taste it, anything....and...and...my ultimate desire to be loved by someone...someone who did not contradict...someone who I can trust...someone who...who would really forgive me.

“That person is Jesus. That person is the Lord. That person is the Triune. That person is Us. The Great I Am.”

It was Mystery Two’s voice. The tiny speech had silenced all the external voices and internal voices for the very first time in my ‘existence.’ I responded to Mystery Two, saying that I believed.

After Mystery Two had spoken and before I had responded, a blast of some sort of invisible wind came into my soul. It circulated and circulated, rounding up pressure and cracking open the force of the stone. The writing on the stone became fire and water spewed from the cracks in the stone. The cracks eventually broke down the stone and the stone’s ‘minerals’ were dissolved into the water. The enflamed writing began to flow with the wind and the water across my soul. Even after I responded, I could still feel both the singes of the fire writing and the coolness of the water purifying, cleansing, and patching up my wounds. Additionally, a white seed had begun to form and grow with the beginnings of a tree.

After I had responded, my face was still plastered into the ground, but I could sense His presence...the One who was and is and will be the origin of revival. His invisible, airy, yet warm-fleshed and-wet hand touched my physical body’s hand. I could feel Him removing the burdens off my back and lifting me to my feet. My face faced His, but I could not ‘see’ Him because a light similar to the sun blinded my physical eyes. I could hear Him though...a voice that was not exactly Mystery, nor Mystery Two, but a mixture of both, along with some other toned voice I never heard before.

“Welcome, my child! My Voice celebrates at your return! I am the One who has loved you since I first thought of creating you. Your life has only just begun. Keep your eyes on Me and you will not lose the truth. You will find the good end, eternal and beyond existence, with no abyss and no more suffering. I am the good end. You will find everlasting Love. I am everlasting Love. You will not be forsaken because I have saved you and because I love you. I will be with you always. You can trust Me for I am what I am, the Great I Am.”

There was peace....there was joy....there was love...there was hope...there was, what is the point? I cannot even describe it, His freedom, His salvation, His voice, His goodness, His righteousness, His glory, His life....He was and is and will be forever real and full Life!

The blinding light disappeared and I slowly regained my ‘vision’ back; I am guessing His visible form disappeared as well, but I knew and trusted that He was still looking out for me. Even though the external voices had started talking again and the voice of the force of darkness was stirring in me again, my soul was different. A piece of Him indwelled inside of me; He was the life flowing with the wind, the fire, the water, and the growing seed. He...this intelligent piece of God, this speaking God-head-essence-filled ‘person’....became a new voice and a new force inside my soul.

Though the new force did not eliminate the writings on the stone and still had a few inkling-intonations of the old voice of the stone, the new force replenished me because there was fire to purify, water to cleanse, wind to guide, and a seed to grow. When I just had the force of the brightly-lit stone, I had none of these ‘elements’. Even when I found these ‘elements’ in nature, they were still missing something, because they were not in a soul, a soul that was made to be filled with His Spirit, a soul that needed His voice to put them back on their feet. Without grace, without Him, without His voice, there is no life in a soul, there is no true and full light, there is nothing but darkness and a heavy stone....there is only an ‘existence’ in the ‘existent world’ of voices, chaos, and internal emptiness....and I have travelled that path before in where there was only a dead end with a cliff dripping with ashes into an abyss. I was so ecstatic and joyful because I found the full answer and my soul was filled with real life.

The ‘physical’ wall-obstacle of Grace disappeared (later, I understood ‘Grace’ became a ‘physical’ obstacle of sorts because I had refused Grace for another path and my ‘heart was hard’, which led to non-understanding/blindness/whatever-how-one-describes-it...a dead end path). I noticed that His footsteps were imprinted on the main road of time....I never noticed it before...no, that thought was wrong, I did notice them before, when I was born, but I did not know what they were and of course the other voices of existence distracted me. I began to step on the etched footprints, walking, following them on the main road of time, with the Word in my hands and a new voice in my soul.

And I will keep walking. I will keep moving forward until I reach the end of my journey, the end where He lives, where His singing choir is calling me to: my true home, everlasting life, the shining glory, the pleasant paradise, the holy presence of the Great I Am. I just need to keep trusting in His grace...to keep praying to Him to help me to stay focused and to keep walking in His footsteps...to keep my ‘ears’ listening to His voice whenever He speaks (Word and creation)...to keep leaning on Him...to keep fighting and ignoring the voice of darkness...etc, etc...and maybe, just maybe, the new voice of His within me will bring people with me...maybe they will join me, having the new voice within them as well....but besides them, besides the voices around me, besides the scars from battling, I know I must keep moving forward...focusing and walking...towards that beautiful three-in-one mystery....that Beautiful Three-In-One Mystery.

Author's Note

This work is both fiction and real; it also contains analogy. The story holds within itself my testimony on one level because of my own ‘explorations’ and faith, but it also contains my theoretical ‘idea’ of what a testimony might be like coming from a ‘fictional’ person who has enough time to explore, dissect, and observe all ‘voices in existence’ (explained in my writing above). I know, just like any finite ‘theory’, there will be people who may not agree, but this is a story I chose to create with a message (just like any story has a message and ‘the author speaking behind it’).