Pyrrhic

I know that something is wrong
When the thought of death excites me
To know how it feels
To feel nothing at all
In an instant to find release
From the pain that binds me
From the burdens that weight me
In the oblivion I will be encapsulated
And there will be no failure
In myself or my fallen beliefs
The crimson ebbs the hurt
The world is sweeter in cardinal shades
I linger on the precipice
And feel the sway I cannot disregard
The covenant in reverence I cannot dissuade
But I falter to my knees
Crumble beneath the truth of my recreancy
I am not broken enough to fall apart
Not Brave enough to tear myself down
So I fumble my way back to despondency
And convince myself it was my own choice