Chapter 1 and a little bit more

 

I hope in which ever world this might turn up in, you'll be able to read this. This journal is spelled to make it readable to anyone, even though I'm not sure about blind people. No one from this world will be able to read this soon so I have to send it to another world.

I'm supposed to write down everything that's happened to me in the past for historical recording or something like that. I have no clue where to start but I guess I should tell about myself before my life was completely uprooted.

I was Aven Orphix, now known as the Ender to everyone except for the only person who knew me from before. I was raised by my foster parents, Paula and Daniel Orphix, and originally from an orphanage in country called The Home of Left-Behinds. The name was always depressing even as a kid there. I haven't visited the place for awhile now, which you'll actually get to read about soon, but I won't spoil things like an idiot for you.

The world I was raised in was a nasty one. Not saying that my environment was bad, just the world. I couldn't have been any happier with the home life my foster parents gave me, but we were a world of war and our people were ambitious. We introduced many things to what some called barbaric times, times that were dominated by magic. The mages were the people born directly from magic and our kind were born of earth. The mages were more dominant in the "barbaric times" and we were considered useless compared to the unnatural strength and gifts that the mages had. But it was around a century ago when we "natives" gained our own gifts, technologies. We created many inventions in this era and we considered our selves equals to the mages, but the mages saw our new found power unnatural and saying that we were destroying our world. We didn't listen, instead we got angry.

It was Salusa Ray, the current leader and one of the famous inventors that began our era that began our march towards war. She ordered elf forest to be used as resources to fuel our war and that brought an enemy that we didn't think as much as a threat, but we were wrong. Our conflict had begun with human mages, but now we had the elves breathing down our necks. Elves were usually more reclusive than normal life forms, but they also considered their forest very sacred, and I mean very sacred. They began to take down our armies in large numbers and things only got worst. They drove our people out of many towns and into the main cities. Things were utterly bleak until an ally rose from the ashes of the past.

The Demons were a race of mages that came in various shapes and sizes, once being a powerful empire that despised the non-demon mages. Then some how fell from power and forced to hide as we were about to do. But over the time that they hid, the demons grew immensely stronger. They became our allies and soon we were the equals to even the elves. Our technology only advanced thanks to the unnatural intelligence of Salusa Ray. She felt as though we didn't need the demons any longer to protect us and abandoned the alliance, but by doing this we only made more enemies. Now the Demons were fighting the alliance of non-demon mages, now called the Light, and the Demons and the Light were fighting us. We retreated into to total seclusion and the Natives were forced to live in the cities, any other place and we'd be captured or killed, mattered by which side you encountered with. Guess which one would kill you?

 

That's about it on the whole history thing. Now I'll start to write about all that happened from where I started.

"Come on Aven! Your going to make us miss all the cool stuf!" wined a girl standing in front of a door in an apartment.

The girl shouting, she's my girlfriend, Tiffany, and she is pretty much hot, or was hot. I haven't seen her in years and everybody says it's a downward spiral after high school. I was only a sophomore at my school and she was a junior. Even though she was a year older than me, I was beating her by a foot, as far as height went. She was typically a "blonde" as we called her type back than. You know the stupid girls who highlighted her hair, had that empty void in their eyes, and acted so spoiled. But I for some reason didn't care about those things and we were about half a year into the relationship. I didn't make it all the way home for those of you who are wondering.

I finally came out of my room, only getting to brush my teeth and pulled out some clean clothes out of the closet. I was one of those guys who evidently didn't need to get ready to look good according to Tiffany. The fact was that I didn't really care what I looked like or maybe I was too lazy to care? Probably too lazy. My room was bad and I mean bad as in I hadn't cleaned it since last year and it's not very big so it all builds up. I had trouble walking in their without stepping on something that wasn't made to be stepped on. Every time I opened my door Tiffany would turn away to dodge seeing the "disgusting" clutter.

I was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a plain white t-shirt under a tan cotton hoodie. My brown shaggy hair almost coming down in my eyes. Tiffany inspected me as she usually did before we went out and didn't seem to be disappointed. I just looked too good.

"I can't believe it takes a guy so long to do so little," she sighed.

"Let's see," I said counting my fingers, "It takes me at least half an hour to get out of my chair and at least an hour to get the shower just righ-"

"Oh shut up," she pushed me on the shoulder . That's how we were, way back when. When times were just fun. Nothing important but our lives and only our lives.

My life was rather average at the time. I had a girlfriend like half of my jock friends did that I wasn't exactly in pure love with and I had no extraordinary talents unless you consider unnaturally good people skills a gift. I've been extremely good with people for as long as I can remember. One time when I was lost in the mall about six years ago, I was able to get these guys who now looking back were total thugs to take me back home with out getting hurt at all. All I did was say hi to them and they didn't see a whimpering eight year-old but a cool person. Now I am included in all the cliques of my school which some times can be a total headache, being pulled to ten different places at the same time wasn't exactly fun.

I was about to take her into my arms when a voice said, "You better enjoy it now boy," the voice was an adult male's and a rather smooth one to that fact. I started to look around to see where it was from, thinking for a second my dad had come back from work early, but no one matched the voice.

"Well are you just going to stand there and watch the paint or what?" Tiffany asked rhetorically. I had a tendency to get caught up in my thoughts and she didn't like that too well.

"Sorry," I told her, "Did you here someone?"

"No," she answered confused, "Did you?"

"Maybe," I muttered, "Lets just go."

I led us out of the door into the hallway of the tower. I lived on the 123^rd floor in Sky Tower Apartments, which was one of the tallest buildings in the city. It was pretty expensive so I guess my family was upper-class, but it never really struck me as that. Tiffany was definitely in high living and acted like it. I was a bit more humble or too lazy to consider myself better than someone else. The hall was emptier than usual. Tiffany took the opportunity to grab my arm with both hands and got really close.

"So did James get any drinks for the party?" Tiffany asked. I had been to a few keggers, all of them James's, who's parents, filthy rich, in the past year but I never drank anything or had fun. Seeing people so out of control was pretty disturbing and I also thought myself as one of those guys who would look like a total idiot when hammered.

"I don't care," I told her bitterly. She bringing the subject put me in a bad mood right away.

She glared at me in irritation, "I know you don't like drinking but you don't have to ruin it for everyone else."

"That stuff is crap and it pretty much tastes like pist. I don't even know why you like it so much any ways," I argued.

"It's no big deal anyways. We never get caught and you don't drink," she said defensively.

"You have no clue what you're like when you get drunk."

"I don't care," she snapped.

"Fine than let's see who feels like crap the next morning,"

She turned away with a humph.

We didn't talk until we got to the elevator. The back wall of it was glass so we could see the entire west side of Viniel. We couldn't see much detail because the elevator moved fast but we could see the reflections of the red evening sun off the skyscrapers and a dark patch, like a stain, close to the shoreline of a sparkling ocean. That was an area called the Gutters since all the scum seemed to have washed down in to there. It was dangerous to go in there at any time since the main inhabitants were lower parts of the mafia, street gangs, and on occasions a psychotic homeless man killing people for change. As kids we would dare each other to see how far in we could go before chickening out or hear a gun shot. I hadn't been there for a while now and it was always there in my view, almost as if it was suppose to be there just for me. I put my self in the corner facing out and she went in the corner in front of me, back turned. She was afraid of heights.

The elevator came down quickly to the tops of the skyscrapers and our scenery went to concrete grey. All together I have to say that Viniel was cool place to live in, but like I said we were in times of war and hatred for magic was at its most. In the past year there had been protestors saying we were not violent enough in combat and towards the prisoners that we rarely took. If I remember that day well enough, I think I saw on the news, that two groups were blocking the town hall and things were getting violent.

"I shouldn't have said anything till we got there," she said in an awkward apology.

"Yeah you shouldn't," I barked, "We're in highschool and you graduate next year. Do you really think that you'll want to stay under mommy's and daddy's finger forever? Well that's what going to happen if you don't pull it together."

She turned away, facing the wall. She really didn't want to argue. I could tell just by the silence that had down settled, except for the whirring sound of the elevator going down the shaft. She looked at me again and instead of a glare, she looked at me as if nothing happened. She got close again and I didn't fight her.

"So do you think there'll be a lot of people at James's?" she asked.

"It's James. He invites the entire school except for the nerds," I told her. I didn't use the word nerd as derogatory name but as simply a title. There's jocks, mall-girls, gothic, nerds, artist, and average as I guess I'd be placed in if I wasn't so good with people. I was involved with all these cliques and I was accepted.

"Yeah. Dumb question," she muttered.

1.5

This chapter is not very long and it's not really a time. Sounds weird, I know, but there's little I can do to make it sound any better. There's only one event that really happens but it's the weirdest part of this mini-chapter.

We got outside and we were fighting against a crowd of formally dressed people coming in and out of the building and than we had to fight the mobs that were going to other buildings on the sidewalk. we were about to cross the street when the part that I told you put the cream and sugar on top of the bizarre cake. Time froze, I froze, everything froze. I could see straight in front of me across the street a frozen crowd of people anxiously wanting to get across. But I couldn't even see them breath. It was like being in an outdoors wax musem.

In another flash of a second I could move too. I just kind of fell out of the pose I had as if I had been dropped. I was a little too phased to walk but then an uncommon boost of curiosity came upon me. I wanted to see what was going on.

Across the street there was a café with tables outside and there were people frozen there but most were dressed pretty artsy so they were standing out a bit from the crowd of cubical workers. I thought all of them were frozen too till I saw a movement. There was a man dressed in a long, navy-blue robe that dragged on ground drinking from a Styrofoam cup. His hair was hay-gold coming down to his shoulders and a thick gold beard that finished his mane.

"So are you enjoying what time you have left?" he asked, his voice the same from the apartment.

"What are you? A mage?" I asked. I found myself to be strangely mellow. I don't think I had control of my emotions during this time. Other wise, I'd be kicking and screaming trying to get away.

"No. Not quite. It might be an insult to call me such a low rank," he repliedm

"Than what are you?" I now realized that we weren't talking. This was all in my head. But not in a crazy way, more like telepathic.

"I'm a higher being, though I have no authority over earthly beings. I'm only a messenger."

"So what's your message?"

"You are going to end this world."

"What?" his words hadn't really sunk in yet.

            "That's all I have to say. You'll have to wait in about three weeks or so when most of the drama will be settled."

            "What's going to happen?"

            "I can't say. I am a messenger and that was my message. You'll have to pay extra for that," he started to laugh as he faded away along with everything else I was seeing. It all went blank and was left in a world of nothing. All that was in this world was a faint echo of the man's laughter. As soon as the echo faded away, I was back in that spot next to Tiffany across the street.

Reviews

[Jocelyn Elizabeth]

Wow. Some people are so incosiderate of creative thought. This work is your own and you can write about whatever you want. A journal does not have to be a chronological log of events, it can be written from the future looking into the past, an autobiography of sorts.

I would say that you should plan where this story is heading, if you have not already. Ask yourself, why is he living in an apartment in the modern world and how is he going to become a part of this monumentous battle for the planet? How is he going to live long enough to see it through? He talks about the past as though it were a long time ago, so he must be either older or immortal.

Even though you are writing this in the form of a journal, I would take a few steps out of the story. The flow begins to progress and then the character steps in to take it somewhere else. Show only scenes that are significant to the story. If Tiffany is only there because she is "hott", and serves no place in the future of the story, I would spend a little less time carrying on with her in the bedroom. Describe her as the girlfriend, maybe throw in a few words about her blonde hair and air-headed demeaner.

Also, you need to spend a little less time telling and a little more time showing. Your character seems arrogant, but after being the cause for the destruction of the planet, I would assume him to be a bit more humble. Maybe he can reflect back on himself as being cocky and arrogant, standing in front of the mirror and smiling at himself, styling his hair and practicing his pick-up lines. Or something like that. And your future character could be looking back on that, maybe now he has a scar on his face, long and unruly hair pulled back in a ponytail.

You get the idea. Never let one person's opinion get the best of you. Some people are just full on themselves and get off on the idea of tearing someone else down.

[Patrick Gerlits]

I don't think labeling yourself as a concept maker does in anyway alleviate the responsibility you have as a 'writer' to edit what you've written. Really you edit in consideration of others so they can read your work. The fact that you've said this really makes you seem arrogant. This aside I'll tell you what I thought about this literary piece.

Uprooted, not the best choice of words in the second paragraph. Maybe, 'before my world became the pademonium it is.' or something of the sort.

Aven Orphix is writing a journel and not a book so when he says 'I won't spoil it for you like an idiot', you've not only gone out of character but out of order of events.

The one completely overused term in Fantasy is magic, this isn't a concept, its a remake.

Stupidity is evident in the plot line, clearly evident. The fact humans would destroy trees Elves found sacred therefore creating a new enemey? Dude, please atleast throw in a little realism. I did notice you went out of your way to note "they didn't see them as much of a threat", but come the hell on. I would assume mages have GREAT power so provoking another enemy would seem completely idiotic. Now my question is, how did such an idiotic race of humans create technology that was capable of fighting back against the mages? The fact they created technology capable of this hints to their intelligence being grand but with provoking a race that didn't seem to be threat but knowing that this act of provacation would bring out a new enemy... I have to say, what the hell?

I gather the timeline is 'old' and when you convert from 'history' to 'present', you say apartment? You know, I can't read any more, it's a waste of my time and waste of yours.