So Tyred

A story about an uncoordinated and slightly neurotic person's brief experience with Crossfit.

I often wonder what drives people to do crazy things.  For all my wondering, I have gotten no closer to an answer. This felt particularly true last week as I stood in front of a field full of tyres.  I looked around at the fit, athletic folks next to me, then down at my legs sticking out of the ends of my ‘compression shorts’ like they were being squeezed out of a cookie dough tube, hiding under my “bowl-full-o-jelly” belly and thought: ‘I must be insane.’

I heard about this crossfit thing the way most people hear about things these days; on the internet when someone was taking the piss out of someone debunking someone taking the piss out of the science behind the latest fad.  The events between reading about it and ending up there, ready to be obliterated and exhausted just thinking about it, are a bit hazy.  I’m pretty sure they involved some heavy drinking, a new year’s resolution and a dare, but I don’t like to think about it.

In any case, there I was watching the nauseatingly fit, strong and lithe trainer demonstrating each exercise with ease and thinking ‘Well that doesn’t look THAT hard’.  Then all of a sudden Skinny McFitFit blew the whistle and we were into it.  First round: flipping a giant tractor tyre with SquatsTM A.K.A. The Herniator. I gritted my teeth and got through it. Second round: jumping into and out of a giant tractor tyre A.K.A. The Dental Assistant.  Caught a toe, exorcised a couple of demon-teeth I didn’t need anyway, and moved on. Third round: pushing a tyre along the long grass-covered ground A.K.A. The Faceplant.  Faceplanted. Swallowed a bug.  It was fair to say I was being pummeled by these tyres. I had taken a beating, and a personal vendetta out against my rubbery foe. Fourth round: push ups on the tyre A.K.A. The Fartinator. As what little strength and dignity I had gave way to fatigue, my will to live faded into a sickly indifference. I had never been so tyred in all my life.

Just as I was about to give up hope I saw the fifth and final round.  Now, I am not a violent person, but I had never before been so excited to see a sledgehammer.  Oh sweet Universe! The tables had turned. I was about to get the upper-hand. It was the tyre’s turn to be hammered, pummeled into oblivion. I would have my relief, I could rest in peace tonight knowing I had exacted my revenge on my new nemesis.  We would settle the score, mano a mano.

I picked up the sledgehammer, peed a little, and when the whistle blew I hit that tyre like an otter hits a baby seal. “This is for what you did to me in the first 4 rounds!” I yelled, oblivious to the concerned stares from my peers. “This is for the bug I ate, and all the farts you made me do!” It was one minute and 30 seconds of pure, unadulterated,  white-out bliss.

Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but I can tell you it’s also a drug best served when you’re not already intoxicated on endorphins and sweating so much you can’t see properly.  I also don’t recommend operating a sledgehammer or any heavy machinery in that state.  My crossfit career didn’t last long; the tyres had the last laugh as my inebriated marksmanship turned the final round into The Hobbler. I get the cast off my foot in 4 weeks. On the plus side, today I read an interesting article called “The Science Behind The Anti-Paleo Movement Debunked: Why the Paleo diet is not as bad for you as Monsanto shills want you to believe.”

Author's Note

This is the first non-academic thing I have written for a good decade, so any feedback appreciated. I was aiming for it to be a little funny, but really just wanted to have a go at turning a funny moment into a short story to get something out on paper. This is the first draft.

Reviews

[A. Amos]

Thanks for sharing enjoyed the read...

[Bonnie Hines]

You Have a very clever and comical way of giving words a new meaning. I laughed out loud when the tire turned to fealing tyred and at the faceplanted. Keep on writing! I would deff. love to read more of your work.

[Remembering Love]

This definitely made me laugh. Probably because I have done Crossfit before and I can definitely relate to some of the feelings you expressed. You lost me a little when you were describing the different exercises and giving them each nicknames but the rest was very entertaining to read. I'd like to read about your next (if there is one) Crossfit experience.