Humpty Dumpty the Untold Story

This is a new perspective on an old tale

 

Humpty Dumpty

The Untold Story

 

By Christopher J. Dawson

 

 

 

 

            It is true; Humpty Dumpty did sit on a wall. But did he really have a great fall? And what about all the king’s horses and men who tried to put him back together again? Were they fooled by such street magic gimmickry, or did ol' Humpty have a few of those men in his pocket to turn a blind eye? Of course, the side of the story we are told gives no background on this oversized fated omelet to make any judgments. So we simply take the tale at face value. Well, the following is a delving into the nitty gritty life and rocky past of Mr. Dumpty and is the official conspiracy theory that I like to call: Humpty Dumpty had a great fraud. 

 

            It was the year of the walrus and the third year under the rule of king Gryddle. Humpty was in his mid twenties and already had a rap sheet long enough to pass for a Chris Cringle naught/nice list. Everything from Eggstortion to poaching to actually trying to offer his children as a breakfast entree to high ranking officials. Humpty was a real piece of work. But it wasn’t until he tried to swindle the king that Humpty really got deep into a real vexation. Mr. Dumpty was past due on his taxes and was in no mind to ever make good on his debt, but decided he could persuade the king to grant him immunity to the bothersome requirement of citizenship if he was just granted an audience. Well through some sort of twisted unusualness, he was granted such an audience with his majesty (just another reason to believe he had a few of the king’s men on his salary).

The following is an excerpt from a lost tape that was hidden for many decades, only to recently be revealed for the first time to a person of reality, and only then for the sake of investigative report.

 

“Your kingliesness, my name beeseth the one Humpty Soonees Ide Up Dumpty the first. And I have requestered your magnificous’ audience to request that I be removed from yonder list to yank up my earnings for the sake of paying for the silly pleasures of your prestigious court, and other nonsensicalness.”

“What?”

“The taxes man! The damned taxes!”

“Ah yes, I do believe I have been made awares of your delinquencies Mr. Dumpty.”

“Delinquencies... Sir, with all due respect, I believe you mean my f**k you-esness.”

“I beg your pardon!”

“Now sir, it is not becoming of royalty to beg. But sense you asked politely; granted.”

“Have this man removed from my site at once! And have him flogged for his blatant disrespect!”

“Flogged? You damned old knucklehead! A flogging would crack my shell and send my insides a oozin out!”

“In that case, have the royal chef accompany the flogging party to scramble up Mr. Dumpty and serve him to the court with a side of toast and tea!”

 

The rest of the tape is full of obscenities and foulness as Humpty is removed from the palace (and yes, they did have tape recorders back then, and yes it is quite convenient that this conversation was recorded).

 

Well Humpty was not about to become breakfast. So his cleverly atrocious little mind came up with the devious and fiendish plot of faking his own death. His plot was simple yet genius. Dumpty gathered as many baby eggs as he could find (including some of his own offspring!) and smashed them all over the ground, just underneath the notorious wall from which he supposedly fell (which also happened to be right beside an opening to the town’s sewer system). Then, when he was satisfied with the size of splat on the road, he made his way to the palace.

Small eggs sailed screaming through the air, only to meet their end upon the walls of the palace as Humpty launched his audacious tirade upon the king’s soldiers and front gates. Yellow yolk sloshed and splattered in a defiant burst of protest sending the king’s men in hot pursuit of their suspect. And so the chase was on.

Humpty dashed with surprising speed down the entrance road that led to the wall surrounding the palace. He clambered his way to the top of the wall and, once there, he began to wobble in a chaotic dance of unbalance. Then he turned to see the men coming to a halt just at the base of the wall, and so he made his controlled fall to the ground on the other side where he had previously choreographed the gruesome crime scene.

But that sly devil had no intentions of adding his own yolk to the messy gore he had slewn across the road. Humpty landed on his feet and instantly administered the tuck and roll maneuver. He leapt to his feet and dove away into the sewer below, waiting in its foul shadows to make sure his diabolical ruse had been successful.

Sure enough! Humpty heard the loud gasps and dry heaves as the king’s men rounded the gateway of the wall to bear witness to the carnage. The soldiers immediatley began scooping up the bespattering of egg guts. But the passerby’s had mistaken the soldiers scrambling to retrieve as much yolk as possible as them trying to put Humpty back together. But the reality is they were trying to save their own asses from the king by getting enough egg to make that breakfast he had demanded be made of Humpty.

Satisfied that his plot had worked, Humpty Dumpty weaved his way through the sewers and made for the hills. It’s said he even found his way into several other stories, incognito of course, and astonishing enough, one of those stories is the very one we are all living now. And a major role no less!

 

 

 

I do wonder...

Who could that clever egg-headed egg head be posing as...

Author's Note

Any leads as to whom this egg may be posing as would be most appreciated!

Reviews

[zach h.]

I love this! So funny. The creativity of this is a masterpiece. I love the new take that you took on this story. Oddly, it makes me hungry for an omelette. :s

[James Watts]

I liked this. A pretty nice concept, too. It was written well and I found to be quite enjoyable. Nice work.

[LatoyaEvans]

I cant put my finger on it. But it was very enjoyable.

[Yereziah]

eh...Obama, Obama! lol(joking, but still a good guess)... this is really creative I loved it...

[Victoria Harlequin]

Well that's interesting.
I liked this very much, original idea.
Great write!