Rypee the Earlobian King

This was written for a guy who takes things WAY too seriously. And he will probably get angry about this story haha.

 

Rypee the Earlobian King

 

In:

 

Who the Hell Leaves a Cat in the Forest?

 

By: Christopher J. Dawson

 

 

 

            Deep in the forest of Gorgonzolina, lived a giant of giants by the name of Rypee. Now, he was not so very giant to you or me, but to the Earlobian race he was a tower of wonderful delight. The way he stood tall and proud as the breeze tousled his wild hair. How everything others would consider insignificant were a big deal, worthy of heated debate. But most importantly, his earlobes... my oh my what earlobes did this fella have!

The dangle. The girth! The size of the shiny jewelry which he was able to adorn them with! The Earlobians knew upon first sight that they had found their king. They have worshiped him ever since he stumbled upon them during a trek many years ago that lead him through their tiny settlement.

            The Earlobians are a very unusual race; they are about the size of a drinking glass. Now I know there are many different sizes of drinking glasses (as Rypee would certainly argue!) and so too, do the Earlobians range in their sizes. Their most dominant feature would certainly be their enormous earlobes which they often trip over. They typically live off the pulp of the wonderful shnozberry and bathe in its delectable juice, which is not quite a great idea as it attracts all sorts of wild animals who just love to gobble up those little Earlobians. Their shelters are made up of straw papers from distant fast food establishments and vegetable skins, which need to be replaced regularly due to their inability to remain fresh for more than a few days.

            Rypee lived among these strange folk, helping them retrieve their vegetable skins and straw paper, protecting them from the wild animals who constantly snacked on them and of course he gave them something to worship. In return the Earlobians would groom him and tend to his needs (some of those needs quite unfit to be told in this here story...). They lived happily among each other and there never seemed to be a dull moment.

            The following is the tale of how Rypee met his match one day when the Earlobians were horrifically besieged by a cross-eyed ninja cat named, I-Amuv Noname.

 

           It was the day of shelter rebuilding and Rypee was headed home to Earlobia deep within the forest of Gorgonzolina with his pockets full of straw paper scavenged from the dumpster of the closest McWendy Queen restaurant. He was deep in thought about things like, nuclear bombs exploding in the air and not on impact and how it is exactly that women birth their children, when he heard the tiny squeaky yelps of his Earlobian brethren.

            “Gasp!” He shouted. And his bean pole legs began to kick furiously at the dirt as he sped through the forest. He leaped logs in slow motion (a secret he won’t tell so don’t bother to ask). Dodging dangerously low branches, and rolling like Indiana Jones just for the hell of it. When he finally reached Earlobia all he could see was ruin and wreckage. Earlobians scattered among the dirt, vegetables and straw paper heaped in a sloppy mess. And to his utter bewilderment, he saw only one assailant. A small cat pawing playfully at a poor Earlobians face.

            “Cat!” he yelped, as he burst into his angry flamingo fighting stance. “Come...” Rypee beckoned with a maniacal wave of his hand.

            The cat took one look at him and its tail exploded into a puffy erectness and it’s back arched into a dangerous curve. That’s when Rypee realized that this creature was well schooled in the art of the perturbed feline style of martial arts.

            Rypee cursed, “Tenacious testicles!” and faltered only slightly, but it was enough for the cat to launch its devastating attack.

            With a wicked hiss, it leapt with claws fully brandished and scratched Rypee right across the top of his thigh.

            “Mother Goose!” he shouted as he stumbled back, grasping frantically at his wound. “Gooooood god I’m hit! And it burns like hell fire too!” oh, Rypee was hurt. He was hurt bad.  

            The cat clawed at ground with anticipation, ready for his next attack. Who the hell leaves a cat in the forest? Rypee thought. Then he asked, “What is your name, oh mighty warrior?” And when the cat did not respond he whispered, “So you are of no name... then I shall call you, I-Amuv Noname.” And when that pissed off pussycat heard the name caress its lain back ears as it slipped so eloquent from the king’s sugared tongue, it melted instantly into a lump of snuggly fur. It trotted over with a high pitched “meow” and began to rub itself all over Rypee’s thin leg.

            Rypee smiled as he looked down over this now docile creature and a glimmer sparkled in his eye. He seized the opportunity and struck. Rypee’s foot flew with impossible speed and threw itself with reckless abandon across the cat’s buttocks and he howled with laughter as I-Amuv Noname sailed into the distance, flailing and screaming.

            As Rypee looked around at his fallen empire he could see that none of his Earlobians had survived the onslaught and he fell to the ground grief stricken. After many long seconds of despair he returned to his feet and decided he would wait, perhaps some of his Earlobians had escaped and were waiting for the enemy to be vanquished before returning. So there he sat, waiting, trying his damndest to figure out who the hell leaves a cat in the forest. That’s when he heard a most peculiar sound from the bush directly behind him.

 

 

To be continued...

Author's Note

Don't worry about grammar, only the content as this was written for fun.