Howizzle And The Case Of The Swollen Eye

 

Howizzle

And

The Case Of The Swollen Eye

 

 

 

 

            One fine morning while I was leaning on a window sill outside at work enjoying the company of Williams The Somewhat Terrible (who was at the time enjoying only his cigarette and certainly not my company), a familiar, bright red car pulled into the lot and came speeding toward us. It was Howizzle, one of my co-workers.  I waved as he passed on his way to his familiar parking spot, but as he went by I thought he looked a bit different  His eye looked very puffy and when I looked to Mr. Williams to confirm he said, “damn, that mother f****r’s eyes was swoled up” and we both shared a laugh at Mr. Wizzle’s expense.

            We headed inside to ask Wizzle about his eye and he said, “Nah, I think I had an allergic reaction or something. You should have seen it the other morning, my eye was swollen shut and I was like, damn”. Then Howizzle, being the giggle monster that he is, let out one of his VERY distinct laughs.

            Yeah right Wizzle, you must think we are some damn fools. We know exactly how you got that big a*s lump on your eyeball. This is the REAL story of (camera zooms in on the narrator as he lifts one eyebrow ridiculously high and says in an overly dramatic voice) The Swollen Eye.

 

****

 

            First you must understand a bit about Wizzle and his relationship with a certain ex-girlfriend of his who we shall refer to as She-Who-Wears-The-Pants. So, to put it as nice as possible, Wizzle was her b***h. If she said lick my toe, he would suck on them things like they were smothered in barbeque sauce. When he would go out, he had to “check in” damn near hourly. And when Miss Pants said to come home, that boy would drop whatever it was that he was doing and come running.  Maybe his name should be Pussywhippedizzle... ha ha, yeah, I think we shall change it for a bit.

            Well, on one dark and stormy night Mr. Pussywhippedizzle had displeased his woman for the last time and she had called it quits. Here is how it pretty much went down.

            “Hey b***h!” Miss Pants screamed.

            “Yes darling?” came the reply from Pussywhippedizzle.

            “Where are my damn waffles?” she barked

            “You wanted waffles?” Wizzle whimpered.

            “That’s it you lily-livered lump of lizard licking lima beans!”

And that was all she wrote for the two lovers...

            But don’t worry, Wizzle moved on and found himself a new girl. And that is precisely why our good friend Wizzle’s eye became swollen. My oh my, when Miss Pants found out that he was kissing other girls... lets just say, hell hath no fury like a woman who’s lost her b***h!

            You see, Miss Pants happened upon Mr. Wizzle putting those same lips that had sucked her toes against the lips of another female... boy did she loose her cool.

            “What in the hell mother b*****s!” she screamed as she shot the two her best crazy eye.

            “wha... uh.. I.. we..” was all that poor Wizzle could muster.

            “Just shut your big, dumb, idiot face!” she huffed as she jabbed a finger straight into his eye.

            Mr. Wizzle let out a scream so high pitched that Mariah Carey would be jealous. His new lady friend threw her arms up and ran off as her arms flicked and flung behind her. Mr. Wizzle dropped to the ground on his side holding his eye and using his feet to spin furiously in a circle, still screaming from the pain. And when poor Wizzle finally regained enough composure to stand up, he looked at her with one bloodshot, teary eye and said, “What the fu..”

   

CRACK!

 

Miss Pants lay upon Wizzle’s eye one of the fiercest open-handed blows in the history of all b***h slaps. Wizzle hit the floor and lost consciousness. So perhaps he received some amnesia of sorts and really doesn’t remember the whole thing. Maybe he really does believe that it was some sort of an allergic reaction that affected only his eye and came from something that he has recollection of and can’t explain. And if that is the case, well then I have to say, Mr. Wizzle...

 

 

 

YOU GOT KNOCKED THE F**K OUT!!!

 

 

            And so the case of the swollen eye has been solved. Of course, I may be wrong, but honestly, which story sounds better?

 

 

 

End

Author's Note

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