the gift of goodbye and the courage of hello

I heading into the city of angels and all I can think about is the love that left me 6 months ago and what am I going to find now that I am going back there. Will I break my heart all over again or when he sees me will we talk. All I know whatever happens in los angeles the year behind me and the time we had lead me to the man that I am and the gifts I got from my broken heart saved me. When he said goodbye it tore me apart and for about a month I could not stop crying. I did not know it at the time but he was too be my first love and he was suppose to break my heart because it lead me down the road to becomming the man I am today. I so grateful for the broken heart because without it the months that follow and all truths I needed to sollow and the honesty I needed to find those truths would have never happen. Over the course of the months that followed the goodbye I sat in starbucks did the only thing I could think of and that was put pen to paper and write. For the first time I had an honesty I never had and because the break up was something I did I got the wonderful gift of wanting to change and never hurting anyone like I hurt him and as I wrote the moments of clarity flow like a river and I woke up. Years of scars and twisted thinking vanished and that feeling being less than human vanished. I found me and for the first time I can ever remember I was enough for me and I learn that the only opion that mattered about me is mine. I stood whole new complete and the days ahead where filled happiness and love. All because he had the courage to leave I would have missed all this had he stayed. Not that I have not missed him terribly at times since then I knew what happen was to give me the gift of change and it was the start of a beutiful and wonder journey. I so thankful he had the courage to say goodbye.
Now I am on my way back to la six months after the break up finally with the courage to face the city once more and see what will happen tomorrow when I knock on his door maybe I will get my heart broken again because he found someone new or he becomes cold and tells me to go I don't know. I hoping for the best but no matter what even if it is the latter I can at least close the chapter and not always wonder what would have beem. I excited and scared. Wish me luck.

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[rastachucker]

This my very personal journey of what a break up gave me.