天晓得...

...I wanted to break free

You either sleep at 11, have crisis at 11, or start remembering something you've had always want to forget.. there's no in between. 

One morning, you woke up and found you could not stand...the only thing you were certain of was that you could not get out unless someone help you.

The fortunate things you have received for 19 years didn't seem to make you the person you're supposed to be, the way you expected you to be; who could do anything, if not for everyone, at least for you...

...who were like everyone else- normal, quarrelsome, full of plans, until all of a sudden, something happened that you became a stranger. Irrelevant to yourself, even your dreams didn't know what they ought to let you do.

Having explored all the places, you found one thing missing in them all; a full understanding in one's own thoughts. Just as metaphors lose their metaphoricity. 

Falling on water going down on an open drain, you could not move quickly enough. You want to bury yourself with accomplishments because you believed once, you'd have the power to control everything.

No more playing music, no more writing piece that no one would ever hear. 


With all the strength you have in physical, you got up and learned to walk again, you went to a long mirror to look at yourself, the fear of not seeing anything did not make you scream, you didn't scream with rage, no noise.

Just numb.

"This could not be me", surprisingly.

Because you felt inside like a healthy, ordinary human.. and it's not what you see in the mirror. There were your eyes looking back, hot with shame. A little, pitiable, hideous figure and a face, as you stared at it, became painful and confuse. When you didn't make any sound, the confusion and the panic of your discovery were locked inside you, to be faced alone, for a very long time.

You suddenly had conflict of a lady leading a double life. It was unreal and it puzzled you and you could not help dwelling on it.

Until nothing seems to work. The least you can do is not to succumb to fate.