Under the Smile

This is dedicated to a close friend of mine who lost her battle with mental illness. I must warn you that it is a little triggered if you have recently suffered a bereavement.

You smile and my cheeks would twitch back

with you it was impossible not to emulate

that shining light and a grin would crack,

We all thought we were with you.

How good was your mask for none of us

to notice it fade, just hours before

On the phone I could so easily trust

that the light would never dim.

Is it right for me still to be in a state of shock

I don't believe it, after 3 months I still

wait for you to approach me and knock

telling me it was a joke, with a little poor taste.

They tell me there are five stages, but

spiral I do across the first four endlessly

I wish that I could just cut

it out, skip to five, let it be done.

I keep racing over the same thoughts,

how could I not having known?

As you went through your list of witty retorts

and grinned that grin you beamed

that inside you were fade away?

I replay that last phone call just hours before

how bright you sounded, just to slip away

and leave me questioning without an answer.

I can't stop asking myself what I could have done

could I not see, or was I choosing not to look?

I just want to know now if I can go back and run

after you, and tell you I understood.

My oblivion makes me feel cast a blame

for not thinking to peel the smile and see

the candle fade, my biggest shame

that I did not stop it.

Did you simply think you could just slip away

with that infectious grin and not leave us hollow?

The world has been empty since that day

that you left us. How did you think we'd feel?

I've never been one for religion, yet I'd

bargain with any god you could quite imagine

believe me, I have tried,

but these gods stay silent, I'm helpless.

How did we never see behind that grin

or that laugh that fluttered through the breeze

to that dark feeling you held so deep within

you, that stole you away from me.

Author's Note

Trigger warning for those who have recently suffered a bereavement.