Bulimia

A poem based around the realities of Bulimia, without the wistful thoughts and more with the disgust and aftershock that the media tries to hide.

I never thought

I'd be that shallow girl

who thinks being skinny

is the entire world

the irony projected

on my opinions on others

I know they're pretty already

they shouldn't bother

but me on the other hand

I'm just a mess

binging and purging

just to fit in my dress

I always buy them

a size too small

so that I feel motivation

when they don't fit at all

Looking online

at the graceful angels

ana and mia

they know my struggle

I want that control

that iron will

but food still controls me

it makes me so ill

I could never really

do moderation

holding out on food

takes too much concentration

I starve all day

to show I have the power

then I run to shops

and eat for an hour

I wont be hungry anymore

but I'll just keep eating

then the second I'm done

comes the internal beating

as I ram my hands down

to remove my shame

knowing I'll never be skinny

and it's me to blame

it doesn't matter

if the scales say I'm underweight

I see my stomach

and I know my larger fate

but I keep on telling myself

convincing my mind

that every purge brings me closer

to the girl I want to find

that tomorrow I'll be beautful

and light as a feather

I can be what I want

me and mia together.

I look in the mirror

and I look at my face

I don't feel stunning

I feel a disgrace

sick glistens on my chin

a grotesque mistake

I wipe furiously

scrubbing skin with my rake

my rake fingers

scrape at my eyes

puffy and red

my blotchy disguise

the room spins

my heart thudds a little drum

jumping in my chest

like a heart attacks begun

I perch on the edge

of the bath breathing softly

praying pain will end

and it will all be over quickly

the room grows stationary

the beat dulls

just like the last time

my penance grows

the things I would do

to be skinny

how disgusting

do they make me

I wash my hands

eyes fixed on my reflection

I look like the worlds most

recent resurrection

I sigh softly to myself

and open the door

This prison I live in

feels forever more.

Author's Note

Feedback much appreciated!