Hope

Where did it all go wrong
From strong to damsel
Did the stars really flip?
Or was it always the same?

Everyone was beautiful but I
Dressed in the scars of ugly truths
Everyone had dreams but I
Kept searching for lights with closed eyes

They all got stories to tell while I
narrate what wasn't mine
They could see billions of stars while I
Only saw the moon.

When I will see you, I will tell you
Where did it all go wrong
From strong to damsel
Damsel to nothing
When all the stars align.

Author's Note

Edited after helpful reviews. Thank you very much :)

Reviews

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

"Kept searching for lights with closed eyes" This line truly defines the heart of your poem. It speaks from a place of emotional angst that the reader can understand and empathize with. This was a very emotive piece of writing done very well Rifatt. Continued success in your writing journey.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

I see a beautiful, poignant poem here in the first three stanzas...my suggestion would be to stop there, or perhaps after "only saw the moon" maybe just add the last three lines you have here, with the damsel.

Less is more....and often allows more readers to tune in and then relate at the same time.
j.

[JayG]

In this from start to finish, you’re talking TO the reader, about things meaningful only to you and the unknown person being addressed. What’s in it for the reader? Yes, they’re informed, but is it meaningful to a reader who has not a clue of what drove this person to speak. When you say:

• They all got stories to tell while I narrate what wasn't mine

Who are "they?" And what in the pluperfect hells can “narrate what wasn't mine” mean to the reader? Remember, unless you provide it, the reader has no context. And they have no access to your intent as to the meaning of things like that line, or how YOU would read it.

That’s why we must always, always, always read/edit our own work from the seat of the reader.

And when writing, we don’t tell the reader, “I cried at the funeral.” Our goal is to make THEM weep. There’s the joy of reading—the readers emotional involvement.

Visit the Shmoop site. Select Student, and then, Poetry. There are lots of successful poems analyzed there, to give you an idea of what works and why. And take a look, on Amazon, at the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less traveled. It’s a great introduction to prosody.

Sorry my news isn’t better. But since we’ll never address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/