Chapter Two for "Beginning of A Journey"

The story continues...

2

 

It was, to be honest, maddening that these other people, whom I do respect by all means, began to freak out and fall prey to the worst-case-scenario-victim mode. These were my fellow countrymen (and women) who had planned this raid and yet because the original plan fell apart, they decide to give up. Well, not give up, but do a whole lot of whining.

But I have to give them credit: they pulled it together in the end.

“All right,” said Sarah. “It is time to pull ourselves together and continue. We do have a backup plan and we will use it.”

“Aye.”

“Well, we all know what to do. Go!”

 

There, we dispersed to the two entrances to the castle: the front and the back. I followed Sarah to the front while Bill and Caryn headed to the back. I interlocked my arm with Sarah’s as we strolled to the entrance. She smiled at me lovingly (this was all acting, mind you). As we approached the great doors of the castle, we could hear the murmur of many people’s voices inside.

There was a party, thrown of course in honor of the King.

Suddenly, a guard stood in our way, wielding a spear.

“Why do you come so late to King Wilson’s castle?”

Sarah looked up at him with a smile. “Why, to come to the party, of course. We heard it was the place to be tonight.”

“And may I ask your names?” asked the guard, pulling out a list.

“Barsad and Ferdinand Swan.”

The guard’s eyes scanned the list and saw the names he was looking for. “Ah, I see you here. Party of two, correct?”

“Obviously.”

“Just checking to make sure no one else was to be expected.”

“Why would there be? Anyway, we only travel with each other.”

“I see, m’am.”

“Thank you.”

“Excuse me, miss, but I can’t help but notice that your husband hasn’t said a word here. That would be considered suspicious behavior by other guards, but I am only curious.”

“Oh… yes. About that. About a decade back, he was captured in battle and, while imprisoned, had his tongue cut out. He talks to me with little slips of paper that he keeps in his pocket.”

I pulled out a thin slip of paper and showed the man. He laughed and I smiled, showing him my pearly whites.

“Go right on ahead! Have a good time”

“Thanks. You too!”

 

Phew, that was close. Now into the castle.

Arms still interlocked, we walked into the castle. We entered a large hallway, decorated with many paintings and suits of armor on either side. We walked along the carpeted pass and came to a split in the road. One way led to the ballroom, where the party was. That would be the obvious way to go for most people.

The other way, however, led to the kitchen. On the other side of the kitchen was a doorway that led to a staircase. This staircase gave access to all of the private chambers where the guests slept.

That is, the wealthy guests.

Another doorway, labeled “Royalty Only,” leads to the King’s sitting room and private library. On the other side of the library is the doorway to the King’s bathroom, where a maid is always handy to attend to the bathing King. On the other side of the bathroom, is the grand, huge, gilded door that leads to the King’s lavish bedroom, which is guarded by a hired mercenary on the evenings of special events in case any guests  might want to come in a slit the King’s throat.

 

Boy, that was a lot to tell you. Anyway, that is what the other path provided us. Sarah gave my arm a tug when she started walking to the ballroom. We entered and saw a huge ballroom with a dance floor, and a staircase that rose to the wall and split into two paths, each one connected to a second story terrace that encircled the room and connected at a similar staircase on the other side. In the center of the room, King Wilson danced with a young aristocrat girl. She was about nineteen, only two years older than Sarah and I.

Of course, this was probably King Wilson’s newest choice for a queen.

Time to start working.

The song had finished and King Wilson kissed the girl’s hand while bowing to her. Then, he excused himself and got a small glass of champagne. A servant then came up and took it from him when he had taken a sip. The servant was left with a half empty glass in his hands as King Wilson attended to his latest beauty.

Bingo.

Sarah turned to face me. “I’ll be right back, sweetheart. Stay right here.” Then  she kissed me on the cheek.

My stomach leapt.

Gosh, it was great to be me.

Then, she walked over to the servant. She said a few words to him and began the conversation. Her good looks had his attention immediately. Soon, she had her arm interlocked with his and the champagne glass in her hand. She then set it down on a table near the staircase.

Bad idea, but it had to work so that the plan could continue.

 

I reached inside my pocket and pulled out one of my thin strips of paper, Barsad’s way of communicating with others. But the special thing about this one was that it was made of something special. I walked over to the champagne glass and pretended to drop my paper in the glass. The second it touched the liquid, it disintegrated and became a bubbly liquid, or in other words, a terrible poison. I stole away back to my original spot.

Sarah met me there in a matter of minutes, wiping the smeared makeup off of her face.

“Did he smooch you good?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Nothing. I dropped my paper in.”

“Good.”

Now it was a waiting game. Waiting for King Wilson to take another sip.

The only problem was, the song they were dancing to currently was an unfavorably long one.

When it was over, King Wilson’s aging body was tired and he needed a rest from his nineteen-year old beauty. He walked over to the table and saw his drink. He took a hefty sip from the glass, too hefty for drinking champagne that is. When he set the glass down, he took a step forward and then he began to sweat.

Oh boy, this was going to be fun.

He put his hand to his forehead and panted. Miss Pretty, the King’s Girlfriend, came up to him and asked him what was wrong. H shook his head and told her nothing. I could see the words forming on his lips: “I need some rest.”

She asked if he needed a bath.

He said no, just rest.

He exited through a side door and left the party and his pretty girlfriend.

Sarah and I leapt up and left the ballroom as a trumpet announced dinner was going to be served. That meant that all of the cooks would leave the kitchen and bring out food.

 

As the cooks filed into the ballroom, Sarah and I filed into the kitchen. She had drawn a bow and me a sword. We hustled through the messy kitchen and made it to the door. I reached and saw the door was locked. I raised my sword and brought it down hard to make quick work of the lock. As soon as the door was busted open, a click was heard.

The clean-up boy. With a pistol.

“Don’t move, or I’ll fire!”

“Listen, son, you don’t want to do this. Just set the pistol down and walk away. We were nothing but ghosts.”

He seemed to want to listen for a moment, but he didn’t let up. Instead his hand only tightened.

“I’ll do it! I promise you, I’ll-”

TWANG!

A grunt.

Thud.

He was down on the ground with an arrow in his right lung.

He didn’t have a chance.

We ran out through the door and faced the challenge of the spiral staircase. We ran up three flights of stairs and then proceeded to the hall of rooms that were prepared for the guests. After passing about twenty doors on either side of us, we turned to the right and saw another doorway. We opened it slowly and saw the sitting room. It was…

Empty.

Lucky for us.

 

We stole through the sitting room and the library and saw the door to the bathroom.

“Okay, Kedren. Are you ready?”

“Sarah, I was born for this.”

“You say that as if seducing people was a noble thing.”

“Well… right now it is.”

“I see.”

She opened the door a crack for me. “In you go.”

I took a deep breath and walked in.

 

The maid nearly had a heart attack when she saw me enter. When she recovered, she asked, “Who are you?”

“Don’t you know?”

She shook her head. I do have to admit, she looked pretty.

But Sarah is by far more beautiful than she was. But, business is business.

“I am Richard. I have come back to you to become your lover again!”

“Richard? Is that you?”

“Aye.”

She took a tentative step forward.

“Richard?”

Why can’t she just say, “Oh Richard, it’s you! It’s been so long, so let’s catch up sometime. How about some tea?  Or maybe-”

My thoughts were interrupted when she said, “Oh Richard!” and then kissed me full on the mouth while wrapping her arms around me. I kicked my leg back on the door, imitating a convulsive reaction that comes from a full on kiss. But it signaled Sarah’s entrance.

She came in and saw our passionate lovemaking and was taken aback.

“I didn’t say to go that far!”

We broke apart and the maid was completely full of shock.

“What…?”

She never finished her thought due to an unfortunate contact between the pommel of the sword and her head.

She was out cold.

I then turned to Sarah.

“You don’t even kiss me like that!” she exclaimed.

“Hon, I wasn’t the one kissing there.”

“Right,” she said sarcastically.

 

The door to King Wilson’s bedroom opened slowly. We looked around slowly, but saw no mercenary. But he was there all right. There was no doubt about that.

Sarah strung her bow and nodded.

It was time. I drew my sword slowly and rolled  across the floor towards the side of the bed.

I rose up.

I pulled the sword above my head.

I gulped.

I plunged…

Only about an inch into the air. I didn’t even make it to the King’s chest.

I sighed again.

“Come on!”

That was Sarah, of course.

She could get a little impatient sometimes.

 

I plunged down and met up with something hard.

And it wasn’t a human body.

It wasn’t a body at all, for that matter.

 

It was a sword.

King Wilson pulled out his sword from the sheets at the last moment. He was the mercenary. He never slept completely.

“You were going to kill me, weren’t you?” he asked.

“That’s kind of obvious sir.”

“Well-”

 

Suddenly Sarah entered the room and discharged an arrow. This one was aimed straight for the heart. She wanted to ensure his death.

It flew…

And struck true.

 

It was such a clean shot that he was dead instantly. But the door suddenly opened and the infuriated maid from earlier leapt onto Sarah, screaming. The maid dealt some serious blows to Sarah but not before Sarah kicked the maid across the head, rendering her useless.

But her scream got some action going. Twenty guards showed up in the room, crashing through the doors. Sarah had her arrows through a few chests and maybe one throat, but not before they pinned her down and disarmed her.

I stood helpless for a moment, until a pommel flew to my face.

 

After that, all I remember is darkness.

 

Well, I didn’t remember it of course, because I was unconscious, but there definitely was darkness.

 

Pure darkness.

Author's Note

Talk to me... what does this need?

Reviews

[Summer D.]

Wow, this certainly picked up. I look forward to seeing what else your story has to offer! It would be my pleasure to engage in amiable chat. Here goes brutal honesty-

It's probably just me but I feel that your story is too fast paced. Maybe that's because your writing style is much different than mine and it's putting me on edge. No one wants a boring exposition and no one wants a fast-paced and blazingly blunt and confused jumble of turbulent romance, incredibly epic sword and fist fights, and deep hate and betrayal without knowing what the heck was going on.
I suppose you did do an exposition but I still feel a tiny bit rushed into this.

• Sarah: Sarah seems like an interesting enough of a character. I don't know her all too well yet so I can't really say much. She seems confident and appears to take charge in a lot of the situations. Seeing a bit more about her background and getting to know her better would be nice. I guess it's all a matter of character development, same applies to your leading male role :)

I'm a little bit confused at the relationship between the two... Kedren and Sarah..
For a second, I was thinking that it was one of those cases.

a) Kedren is in infatuated with the gorgeous, clever, graceful, and warrior-like Sarah who doesn't so much as spare him a second glance. Has a friendly yet business-like relationship with him!??!

I was just plain confused. Maybe, I'm used to more playful and flirtatious banter with people who are in a relationship. Even on a dangerous mission there wouldn't be any harm with cheeky comments... would there?

--
"She came in and saw our passionate lovemaking and was taken aback.
“I didn’t say to go that far!”
We broke apart and the maid was completely full of shock.
“What…?”
She never finished her thought due to an unfortunate contact between the pommel of the sword and her head.
She was out cold.
I then turned to Sarah.
“You don’t even kiss me like that!” she exclaimed.
“Hon, I wasn’t the one kissing there.”
“Right,” she said sarcastically."

----

To say the least, I was utterly confused. I dunno. Again, I might be alone on this befuddlement of the mind... The peck on the cheek, again, made me think of option a. I dunno. I hope that made sense.

I was about to say that " lovemaking " wouldn't be the proper term.... but it isn't limited to just one definition. I dunno. That stuck out for me. Weirdly enough, the scene between Kedren and the maid sort of made me laugh, it was still funny even with my confusion. Here's what I would've done though- Err, I completely understand it isn't my story and the description of the maid was purely random!

-----

The maid nearly had a heart attack when she saw me enter. When she recovered, she asked, “Who are you?”
“Don’t you know?”
She shook her head. I do have to admit, she looked pretty.
But Sarah is by far more beautiful than she was. But, business is business.
“I am Richard. I have come back to you to become your lover again!”
“Richard? Is that you?”
“Aye.”
She took a tentative step forward.
“Richard?”
Why can’t she just say, “Oh Richard, it’s you! It’s been so long, so let’s catch up sometime. How about some tea? Or maybe-”
My thoughts were interrupted when she said, “Oh Richard!” and then kissed me full on the mouth while wrapping her arms around me. I kicked my leg back on the door, imitating a convulsive reaction that comes from a full on kiss. But it signaled Sarah’s entrance.
She came in and saw our passionate lovemaking and was taken aback.
“I didn’t say to go that far!”
We broke apart and the maid was completely full of shock.
“What…?”
She never finished her thought due to an unfortunate contact between the pommel of the sword and her head.
She was out cold.
I then turned to Sarah.
“You don’t even kiss me like that!” she exclaimed.
“Hon, I wasn’t the one kissing there.”
“Right,” she said sarcastically.

---- Edited -----

*- Italicized

The maid's hand flew to her chest, her pink lips forming into a soft " o " at my entry, her dark lashes fluttering wildly. When she recovered her wits, she paused ,studying me curiously before she asked brazenly, “Who *are* you?”
I licked my lips, my eyebrow creasing into mock desperation, “Don’t you," I let my voice waver my eyes drinking in her innocent and doleful appearance, " know me?”

She shook her head emphatically her eyes casting to the wooden door behind my tall frame, slightly cracked door behind me, a ray of light filtering in to the slightly darkened settings. I do *have* to admit, she looked pretty. Her crown of fiery red hair was piled tightly along her skull secured with pins, wisps of her flaming halo, framing her soft face. Her bright hazel bore into mine, studying me closely, as if looking for something askew to call my bluff. She is no Sarah but, business is business.

I stepped forward boldly my eyes shining alight with such practiced happiness, “I am Richard. I have come back to you to become your lover again!”
“Richard? Is that you?”
“Aye.”
She took a tentative step forward.
“Richard?”
I struggled to retain a sigh of annoyance at her hesitation, damning her and her insufferable shyness. *Why can’t she just say, “Oh Richard, it’s you! It’s been so long, so let’s catch up sometime. How about some tea? Or maybe-”*
My thoughts were interrupted by her startled cry of happiness as she flung her arms around my neck exclaiming loudly, “Oh Richard!” I didn't have time to process the words being said before she pressed her mouth full onto my lips. My weight shifted slightly struggling to adjust to the new addition of weight as my lips gently moved across hers.

Skillfully, I kicked my leg back in the direction of the door, imitating a reaction of surprise from her sudden kiss. But it signaled Sarah’s entrance.
The door flung open as Sarah glided in, her eyes widening slightly from the intensity of our kiss.
“I didn’t say to go that far!” Sarah's lip curled in disgust as she eyed the maid coldly.
Without a moments wait of hesitation I pushed gently on the maid, severing our embrace, slightly amused at the complete look of shock etched upon her pretty features.
“What…?”
She never finished her sentence, due to a * most unfortunate * contact between the pommel of Sarah's sword and her head. ( I'm not sure who's sword knocked her out but I think it might've been Sarah's? it wasn't specified)
She was out cold.
I then turned to Sarah a small grin spreading to my lips.
“You don’t even kiss me like that!” she exclaimed, her eyes narrowing at my sudden grin.
“Hon, I wasn’t the one kissing there.” I defended, flashing her a cheeky grin, stepping smoothly over the crumpled body of the maid.
“Right,” she said sarcastically.

------

I probably made Kedren seem a little bit evil for just stepping over her >_> I dunno.

• Detail! Your detail was okay but... I didn't feel like it was enough. Not an overdose of it... but mixed into the tension.. dialogue.. and what not- It'd be a nice fix.

Anyway. I did enjoy it and I can already tell this shows promise and will be something great. Nice job, love. * thumbs up * Keep writing.

( WOOT. 48 points and I think this is the longest review I've ever done.. It is.. Teralyn's gonna kill me... I have yet to write a long one for her.. Sorry, I totally got into this one )

Summary:

- More Character Development. :D I want to know them. So I can be like- Best Friends with them. Not - bore you to death with history - but work it in there slowly. Not too slowly.. I might get antsy.
- Maybe More Exposition? I dunno..
- Tiny Bit More Dialogue
- A Good Dose Of Better Description ( Not overly boring but a good blend with everybody else)
- Kedren's thoughts are sort of humorous. I find them cute but italicizing would * really * help me ( I might be alone on this ) follow him better.
- Again, I was totally mislead in my train of thought with Kedren and Sarah..
I was thinking he was just that goofy love-sick guy... In love with the ever graceful girl.. Like... * searches * Annabeth and Percy ( PJ reference )... Sort of.. Yeah. That's a perfect example.. Maybe I missed something..


Otherwise.. I love it. Unique story plot ( to the best of my knowledge ). Good job KP! Keep it going :)


YT,

Summer.

[ P.S I hope some of that rant made sense! :D ]

[Kyle P.]

After that big rant (which was very helpful) my only question is "What the heck does YT mean?"

Yes that is Sarah's sword that hits the maid. Also, as to their relationship, they are supposed to be a romantic couple, but not your usual young love kind and also not your usual bickering-like-an-old-married-couple kind., more like something in between. (Yes, I got the PJ reference)

I liked your rework of the maid scene, but maybe this is just a battle of the tastes as I feel it was definitely better (hand over plate of cookies) but I might end up using less description. The point was to throw readers into the thick of the story to get them involved, and then in Chapter 3 start explaining the backstory and allowing readers to breath and look at the land around them. (I might not be posting Chapter 3 up for a long while as I am currently very busy with another project and school, and other obligations...)

Anyway, that was a much needed kick in the seat. I also have another killer (and I don't really ever call my stories "killer" as I feel they are a bit... well cheesy from my POV, but this new one is something that I love) story idea coming soon.

-Kedren

P.S. I meant to edit out the word "lovemaking" but there must have been a glitch when I transferred it to Writers Cafe. It caught my eye as awkward also.

[Summer D.]

Also- Again, I beat you. Epically. At long answers. :3
You're loooosing it KP * sticks out tongue *