I think there's a lot of story here that never made it to the page. And because the part that didn't is in your head it makes perfect sense as you read. But that, and your intent, never make it to the page, and the reader, unlike you, must make do with what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not yours. So from a reader's viewpoint there are addressable issues:
• She stares from the hellish dark
She? Any particular she? She must be pretty small to fit beneath a chair that has a cover making it dark there.
And: why is the darkness under this unknown chair "hellish while the rest of the place isn't?" If I don't know that how can I even guess at WHY she's staring, and at what?
• longing for tear apart whosoever stare.
Honestly, no matter how I parse this it makes no sense. Especially, given that the "she" you're talking about is the one staring. I'd suggest taking more time to edit before releasing your words into the wild, and editing from the viewpoint of a reader who knows only what the words suggest to them.
For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while com.. read moreFor chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while composing it in a dreadful night a scarlet chair was before me and underneath it was a horrible darkness.
6 Years Ago
I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So.. read moreI wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So, it is just obvious after reading that an apparition is staring at you.
6 Years Ago
•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.. read more•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.
I have not a clue of what is meant by "heinous phantom." Irt's too general; a term. Phantom says ghostly. But there are as many kinds of ghosts as there are storytellers, and evil comes in many flavors.
But that aside, the writing has to stand on its own, and provide its own context, because the reader had no clue of what it means to you, or what your intent for their understanding is. Nor do they care. It's your words, their understanding, and that's it. You're not there to explain and they may or may not read that tiny disclaimer at the top—and shouldn't have to.
Problem is the reader has only what the words suggest based only on THEIR background and understanding. And, that reader is probably from a different area, age group, and even gender, all of which influence their understanding. So unless you provide guidance in the form of context meaningful to them they're lost. In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean, because they probably won't.
Hi Raj. great poem you have written here my friend, Great images you have painted here with your scary words. You wrote this very well, mate. I enjoyed the read...Pete
In that hellish land is where many truths burn to be heard and seen but only allowed to be seen and heard by certain beings- the heat is controlled by love received- not dangerous but gentleness to be found- interesting- many thoughts and emotions hiding here- very enjoyable🌹
"Longing TO tear apart"......I have to agree with Jay about one part, though: What chair? Where's the chair? Why a chair? Other than that, this is quite the spooky tale. Well done!
Posted 6 Years Ago
0 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
Thank you dear. For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair b.. read moreThank you dear. For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while composing it in a dreadful night a scarlet chair was before me and underneath it was a horrible darkness.
I think there's a lot of story here that never made it to the page. And because the part that didn't is in your head it makes perfect sense as you read. But that, and your intent, never make it to the page, and the reader, unlike you, must make do with what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not yours. So from a reader's viewpoint there are addressable issues:
• She stares from the hellish dark
She? Any particular she? She must be pretty small to fit beneath a chair that has a cover making it dark there.
And: why is the darkness under this unknown chair "hellish while the rest of the place isn't?" If I don't know that how can I even guess at WHY she's staring, and at what?
• longing for tear apart whosoever stare.
Honestly, no matter how I parse this it makes no sense. Especially, given that the "she" you're talking about is the one staring. I'd suggest taking more time to edit before releasing your words into the wild, and editing from the viewpoint of a reader who knows only what the words suggest to them.
For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while com.. read moreFor chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while composing it in a dreadful night a scarlet chair was before me and underneath it was a horrible darkness.
6 Years Ago
I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So.. read moreI wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So, it is just obvious after reading that an apparition is staring at you.
6 Years Ago
•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.. read more•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.
I have not a clue of what is meant by "heinous phantom." Irt's too general; a term. Phantom says ghostly. But there are as many kinds of ghosts as there are storytellers, and evil comes in many flavors.
But that aside, the writing has to stand on its own, and provide its own context, because the reader had no clue of what it means to you, or what your intent for their understanding is. Nor do they care. It's your words, their understanding, and that's it. You're not there to explain and they may or may not read that tiny disclaimer at the top—and shouldn't have to.
Problem is the reader has only what the words suggest based only on THEIR background and understanding. And, that reader is probably from a different area, age group, and even gender, all of which influence their understanding. So unless you provide guidance in the form of context meaningful to them they're lost. In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean, because they probably won't.
Myself Raj Sahu from the historic town of Burhanpur, Madhya Pradesh, India. I had completed my high schooling with flying colours from Choithram School, Indore in Humanities stream and was first in or.. more..