I think there's a lot of story here that never made it to the page. And because the part that didn't is in your head it makes perfect sense as you read. But that, and your intent, never make it to the page, and the reader, unlike you, must make do with what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not yours. So from a reader's viewpoint there are addressable issues:
• She stares from the hellish dark
She? Any particular she? She must be pretty small to fit beneath a chair that has a cover making it dark there.
And: why is the darkness under this unknown chair "hellish while the rest of the place isn't?" If I don't know that how can I even guess at WHY she's staring, and at what?
• longing for tear apart whosoever stare.
Honestly, no matter how I parse this it makes no sense. Especially, given that the "she" you're talking about is the one staring. I'd suggest taking more time to edit before releasing your words into the wild, and editing from the viewpoint of a reader who knows only what the words suggest to them.
For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while com.. read moreFor chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while composing it in a dreadful night a scarlet chair was before me and underneath it was a horrible darkness.
6 Years Ago
I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So.. read moreI wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So, it is just obvious after reading that an apparition is staring at you.
6 Years Ago
•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.. read more•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.
I have not a clue of what is meant by "heinous phantom." Irt's too general; a term. Phantom says ghostly. But there are as many kinds of ghosts as there are storytellers, and evil comes in many flavors.
But that aside, the writing has to stand on its own, and provide its own context, because the reader had no clue of what it means to you, or what your intent for their understanding is. Nor do they care. It's your words, their understanding, and that's it. You're not there to explain and they may or may not read that tiny disclaimer at the top—and shouldn't have to.
Problem is the reader has only what the words suggest based only on THEIR background and understanding. And, that reader is probably from a different area, age group, and even gender, all of which influence their understanding. So unless you provide guidance in the form of context meaningful to them they're lost. In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean, because they probably won't.
"Beware!
She's there
looking through
black edge
like a lurid lion
she waits for you."
I came across this character from your work now and found it quite spooky!!!
The rhymes 'chair'; 'stare'; 'beware'; 'there' are really musical when read with a proper intonation. The description you gave here is also enough to set up a terrified image of this apparition in someone's mind. I quite enjoyed this work. This is first horror poetry I have read on this site and I am fully agreed that it is one of the best I read till now. Looking for more of your works.
Posted 6 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
You are a good reader and analyser. I love how deep you study my poems. Thanks a lot.
Oh darn! I've been discovered! *wink! wink!* This is a very fun & spooky message. You are very imaginative in the things you choose to write about & the different styles you use to write. Even tho this seems to sound like a dangerous situation, I'm also getting the fun tongue-in-cheek idea that you might be describing someone's cute kitty cat about to pounce on a random wiggling toe -- yet another example of how creative your thinking can be (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie
I am glad to see you reviewing my work again. Thank you so much for your praises. (((HUGS)))
6 Years Ago
I just re-read your poem about the circus animals, which I enjoy very much. I can't even remember wh.. read moreI just re-read your poem about the circus animals, which I enjoy very much. I can't even remember why I didn't want to be friends with you. Something must've happened, but I've forgotten it now! I'm glad you kept knocking on my door becuz I really like your writing *smile*
6 Years Ago
Thank you and I am hearty regretful if any of my actions ever hurt you. Pardon me!
I find the legend quite interesting and your words, or should I say horrified words made it alive...I should give you nice rating for such a horrid work...(Now I fear how I gonna sleep tonight! Hahaha)
Posted 6 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
I am sorry that I snatched your sweet sleep from you.
Thanks a lot for such rating.
I liked the poem as a starter, would like to see the character developed more, why should I fear her.. read moreI liked the poem as a starter, would like to see the character developed more, why should I fear her. Why am I there. Nice job though.
Myself Raj Sahu from the historic town of Burhanpur, Madhya Pradesh, India. I had completed my high schooling with flying colours from Choithram School, Indore in Humanities stream and was first in or.. more..