The Girl from the Gap

The poet warns the readers against this heinous phantom.

She stares

from the hellish dark

beneath the chair

longing to

tear apart

whosoever stare.

Beware!

She's there

looking through

black edge

like a lurid lion

she waits for you.

Don't cast your eye

upon her

O my friend!

Unless you desire

to taste the

hotness of the hellish land.

Reviews

[JayG]

I think there's a lot of story here that never made it to the page. And because the part that didn't is in your head it makes perfect sense as you read. But that, and your intent, never make it to the page, and the reader, unlike you, must make do with what the words suggest to them, based on their background, not yours. So from a reader's viewpoint there are addressable issues:

• She stares from the hellish dark

She? Any particular she? She must be pretty small to fit beneath a chair that has a cover making it dark there.

And: why is the darkness under this unknown chair "hellish while the rest of the place isn't?" If I don't know that how can I even guess at WHY she's staring, and at what?

• longing for tear apart whosoever stare.

Honestly, no matter how I parse this it makes no sense. Especially, given that the "she" you're talking about is the one staring. I'd suggest taking more time to edit before releasing your words into the wild, and editing from the viewpoint of a reader who knows only what the words suggest to them.

Sorry.

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you!

[Raj Sahu]

For chair, the Girl from the Gap lives under furniture, bed or gaps. I wrote chair because while composing it in a dreadful night a scarlet chair was before me and underneath it was a horrible darkness.

[Raj Sahu]

I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom. So, it is just obvious after reading that an apparition is staring at you.

[JayG]

•"I wrote in the short description above that author warns the readers against the heinous phantom.

I have not a clue of what is meant by "heinous phantom." Irt's too general; a term. Phantom says ghostly. But there are as many kinds of ghosts as there are storytellers, and evil comes in many flavors.

But that aside, the writing has to stand on its own, and provide its own context, because the reader had no clue of what it means to you, or what your intent for their understanding is. Nor do they care. It's your words, their understanding, and that's it. You're not there to explain and they may or may not read that tiny disclaimer at the top—and shouldn't have to.

Problem is the reader has only what the words suggest based only on THEIR background and understanding. And, that reader is probably from a different area, age group, and even gender, all of which influence their understanding. So unless you provide guidance in the form of context meaningful to them they're lost. In writing, you cannot say, "You know what I mean, because they probably won't.

[EcstaticEuphoria]

Really well written! Loved how you pulled us in, gave us just enough to let our own imagination take over and fill in the vast blanks and let us make your piece our own, to haunt us in our nightmares. Very Poe-ish and impactful. Really great job!

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you so much.

[SilverInk]

The image and poetry inspire a sense of fright, so good job with that!
My only critique is that there are a two or three grammatical errors here, and that I wish there were more meaning behind it. The poem seems to be 'flat', if you know what I mean. I read it, and I didn't walk away from it feeling impacted in any way.
This is just my own opinion, though. Keep writing, my friend!

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you.

[Giulia King]

Damn, that picture really scared me lol. I love how dark this poem is! Great job!

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you.

[Harley Quinn]

This kind of freaked me out. Not completely sure if that was what your were trying to do but great work. When I first read the title. I thought it was about a girl shopping at the Gap Haha.

[Raj Sahu]

Yes, many felt like that. But it is a horror poem. Thank you.

[Neil P]

Nicely done! The picture sets the creepy tone really well :D

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you so much.

[Madeira]

Scary, I loved the imagery this created for me, a haunting write

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you dear! 😃

[Richard McLin]

I came into this piece expecting it to be about someone falling in love with a girl they saw while shopping at "The Gap". That is NOT what I got.

This is quite the piece. Well written, and I loved the "Ju-On" pic.
-Richard

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you very much.

[Pooja]

Oh! I never ever knew such a ghost. The girl from the gap is a nice work of yours.

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you.

[Kleptomaniac]

The girl is too terrible to behold. Horror indeed.

[Raj Sahu]

Thank you.

[.]

Quite interesting is this a story for kids to be scared or...?

[Raj Sahu]

Comprehend it in anyway. Thank you!