My Biradhar Nikhil

A tale of siblings. One the best and the other the worst. How far one would go to bring back another to form. A blistering story of a fallen legend.

It is a Diwali day. The day that most of the kids wait for in a year. The occasion where neighbors, friends and relatives meet and greet each other. It is a festival of light and sound, especially in South India. Everyone goes to temples wearing new clothes seeking blessings from God. I was busy preparing Sweets. My kid and husband were burning crackers. I was trying making some fresh sweets by watching some channels in Youtube. My Elder and only Brother, Nikhil too had woken up early. He was mad at the festival and wanted to celebrate burning lots of crackers. He had a lot in his hand. But there was a small group who were bullying him and snatching the crackers out of his hand. He was adamant on holding it and resisted. They started booing him and snatched a good share of the crackers. He started crying and returned back home. I noticed him and inquired about the incident. He couldn't stop crying and I tried to make him comfortable by offering more crackers. His face was lit up after seeing that he got rockets and double shots crackers. I was glad to see his smile back. It reminded me of olden days when he was the Superstar in studies. I often couldn't believe how he got into this Psychiatric mess. It has been 5 years since he's affected with this psychiatric problem. He was the best once.. And he is at his worst now..

 

He hardly speaks these days. It is like he is in limbo where he had lost control of his mind. He has totally forgotten himself, all of his past. He rarely takes care of himself and his actions. He is mostly silent and has become an introvert. He never meets the outside world. The only respite is that he speaks openly only with me and he totally loves my kid. He plays with him, when he's depressed. His Psychiatrist says he is lost into hyper-depression and the recovery path is long. It is often hard to believe how life takes different turns and how destiny changes. It has been one of a kind in case of my brother. It is about a man how falls into a loophole and is lost forever. Currently he's dejected from the world and the world too has abandoned him. He has fell into the vicious circle of depression and has lost himself. From a star, he has turned an object of pranks. Even a kid pranks and abuses him. For someone who has always been low in life, it isn't hard to digest the facts and reasons. Such kind of people is not targeted. But someone who has been high in life and then suddenly getting down, those are the kinds that are objectified and targeted. It is utterly unfortunate that my own brother has fallen into that trap. His story is nothing short of fairy-tale.

 

I still remember those days when we were kids. Even as a kid, my brother was vibrant. On the contrary, I was dumb and naive. Although naughty most of the times, the questions he used to ask to my parents were intelligent and hard to answer. We found the talent in him even in those early days. He had good gathering and absorption. His memory was excellent. He could catch anything on the fly. He was more dynamic our parents wanted to admit him in the best school. But we were from a lower class family. Even meeting our daily bread and butter was an issue those days. My father's income was very less to enable good education. He was offered very less salary despite being a hard working man. He was not a permanent employee. He was on the contractor payrolls and had a risk of losing job anytime. My Mother was a homemaker. My father never allowed my mom to take jobs in order to take care of the children. They were in a situation. many of my Dad's friends had said that it is impossible for him to give good education to his son. Due to the irregularities and inconsistency in the salary, they advised him to enroll my brother in a Govt. Tamil Medium school. But my parents were determined to admit my brother in the best English Medium school in the town. Despite poor pay and inappreciable economic conditions, out of all the odds, 

finally a fine day, my Dad took the initial step of admitting my brother in an English medium Private convent. It was the first and big step taken in our family. My brother was the first kid in the family to get education in an English medium convent. The entire family went to the nearby temple, sought our Guru's blessings and marked the start of a little kid's dream. It was the most significant decision and action ever in my family.

 

 

First day at school. My parents were delighted even to step inside the school premises. The school was meant only for kids' parents with high income but here they are with the little one filled with talent and dreams into the school. He had a big smile on his face. He assured our parents that he would study well and make them proud. Tears flowed down my mom’s eyes when my bother first stepped into the classroom and was applauded by other students. It was one big achievement but it takes a lot to get there. My Dad started working every night after getting done with his regular work. He worked as a Watchman in an apartment. All the hard earned money went into the purpose of educating my brother. He in fact, was true to his words. In all subjects, year after year he was scoring well. He hardly ever scored less than 98. He was the darling in favor of the teachers there. He has well received, highly appreciated and celebrated. Years passed on. My dad lost his job since he was a contractual employee. Our family was dealt with heavy blow with no one out there to help. However despite those odd and hurting times, they did not miss to pay for my brother's school fees. My Father was without job for more than a year. Time went on. It was my turn. Due to insufficient money, my parents put me into Govt. school Tamil medium. Especially if you are in this part of South India, during the 80s, male children were preferred to go to school and many female kids were left uneducated. But my parents were kind enough to admit me into school. Although they had a reason of not having enough money, the final result was me getting into a Tamil medium school. My parents were not criticized by anyone. They were not questioned either by anyone in our family. It was like okay to have a female child have education in Govt. regional medium. However as many would know that standard of the education offered in Govt. Tamil medium schools were poor. It was my fate to get there and as a kid I hardly gave a thought about it.

 

My brother was smashing records at school. Good in football. Best in elocution and Essay writing/Poetry. He was a star and favorites among students and teachers alike. He was a role model for other kids. He always kept our parents satisfied. Me, however was poor in studies with no expertise in reasoning and analytical skills - Poor in English, Mathematics and public speaking. The quality of education as you would know is worst. Most of the times teachers either don't teach or were absent.  It would be crazy if I say that I don't know even the basic addition in Mathematics even today. My brother was well taken care and monitored for his performance, by my parents but I was often ignored. I was poor and poor - scored less marks, failed - but I wasn't punished for them - for they didn't even have time to look after me. I was free - from all punishments and worries - hardly I ever studied at school. My brother was taught Hindi privately while I was even suffering from proficiency in my first language. Years passed. My brother grew up and started abusing me. Playing pranks on me for my low/no knowledge on many things. He used to try to teach me but often end up beating me for my disinterest in studies and my inability to understand and grasp things. In short, he was well celebrated and I was nowhere in the picture.

Today things are different. Especially in South India, the trend has changed a lot. People are educated enough to understand that even females need quality education. The standards of the Private schools have gone up and increasing number of female students is performing well in the exams. Although in regional/villages of the South and the North, still the differentiation exists, to a greater extent - the awareness is spread these days. The quality of Govt. schools has gone up substantially. The society has absorbed the necessity of education for females and the stress by the Govt. to enroll females into schools is widespread. However we didn't have the awareness in the 80s and lots of girls like me were affected. It was usual for parents to think that only male kids need education and females were for maintaining family. My parents too felt that there would be lots of expenditure for my marriage and my brother would help when the opportune moment comes. So they felt education was not special for females then in view of my parents. Anyways - I was devoid of quality education.

 

The feeling of imbalance between us cropped up and my brother was filled with superiority complex. He felt me weak and inferior and started abusing me. He used to avoid my presence with him in the public places. There was one incident when we both were walking towards our schools and few of his friends were coming behind. He started to maintain distance between him and me. While I went near he said that his friends were coming and he didn’t want to introduce his sibling as the one doing studies in a Govt. school. I was teared apart. Tears rolled down. It's that day when I felt I lost my dear brother. I started to slow down my speed so that he walks ahead of me and I became a complete stranger then. Even today when I remember the incident, I break down.

 

Years went on. I stopped my studies after 12th while my brother pursued his Engineering. He was great as usual and went on to win several awards. His technical knowledge was great enough to make him pass with distinction. He then got into a good IT company where he was paid well. He went abroad and earned well. Just like many others he fell in love with his team mate. He was mad at her. He used to have long conversations with her. As far as I recollect, she was a North Indian Girl. Both used to roam together many places in Chennai. Since her being new to Chennai, they shared good moments together. One fine day, she had revealed that already has a Boyfriend from Pune. My brother got broke down. He couldn't digest the reality. He tried to convince and win the girl but unfortunately he couldn't. This private loss was immense for him. From then on he started exhibiting unprofessional and unhealthy behavior in public. He was no more vital in his organization. His code was no more a trusted one. His ethical and business behavior were questioned. He was finally sacked by his organization despite winnings several awards in the past. Within the family as well since he was hell broke, he was no more friendly and supportive. He was into drinks and drugs. The respect he had earned over the years went off in a moment. One who was everybody's favorite turned the one who was ignored. He couldn't digest this fact either. He was mad at all. His life turned upside down. He became a schizophrenic.

got married to a middle class family guy and we started our life positively. My husband was a genuine and a good person. He was good by heart. My parents died due to old age and my brother was left alone. Just like a kid I received him back. He was desperate - lost. My husband was kind enough to have him in our residence. I started to take care of him - his treatment for hyper-depression. Quite a lot of money was spent on his treatment and he showed some significant signs of improvement although absolute cure didn't happen. Sometimes he used to play with my kid - forgetting all of his accumulated worries. At times he tends to be silent - like hell. At times he cries and wishes to end his life. He was exhibiting mixed emotions while we were completely unaware of how would he respond next. While I pray everyday to God, that I want my dear old brother back to his old self - the eventual winner - but not sure of how the destiny plans for him. My husband at times loses his patience and calls him 'Mental'. But for me he is my buddy - my dearest one - for I will take care of him till the end of my life. I will work hard and get paid well and bring back my dear brother to his best. I will not stop, no matter however massive the force may be against me. I will tend to bring back him from death - from limbo. For others he might be a psychic but for me he is -- 'my Biradhar Nikhil'