letter from a pedophilia’s surviver

I’ve been through hell

I’ve seen the skies turn red and fresh blood falling on my head
don’t tell me it’s okay it’s not it’s not it’s not
when he first touched me, I promised myself the next time
I would make him burn and I had daydreams where
I’d make him cry and scream
and go blind because of the darkness and he’d
scream my name, but he’s too stupid to realize
I’m the real darkness
I’m pure darkness, and it’s all his fault
I wish I could really want to kill him, but I’m not like this
I’m weak I’m weak I’m weak

I’m sorry
you are right, it’s been so long; you’re right, the darkness is gone
but why do I still cringe?
why do I still step back?
you’re light and you’re beautiful, and I know you truly love me
but I love you from my lungs, from my insides, I love you so much
because you’re an angel
you’re everything I need
but do not belittle my pain
he made me bleed, literal blood
I cried 
I was only five-years-old, he’s the worst, and I hate it I hate it
I was alone
and he was there
sorry, this is a nightmare

do you understand now why I keep waking you up
at night? do you see why I hold you so tight? I don’t want you to leave
I once was a monster, but the light you have
the light you bring into my life makes me think
I’ll bloom too
makes me think I’m also a flower
makes me think I’ll grow, but I need your water I need your water I need your water