Twenty-six

 There were hands on my shoulders, shaking me. Telling me to wake up. Was I dead? No, these feelings and noises were too realistic. My eyes opened to a light too bright for me to bear. The shape of someone in front of me came into view. As my eyes became more and more accustomed to the light, the more details became of the person.

 

It was Lucas. I wanted to cry I was so happy. For some reason, I had felt that he was dead too. Since I had lost one person I cared about, why not take another one? It would make sense to me if I were the one stealing lives. “Rainey, you’re okay. You’re okay.” Lucas said, hugging me to him. I wrapped my arms around him and said, “Yes, I’m okay.” He kissed the top of my head and took his arms off from around me so that he could look me in the eye.

 

That was when I noticed the throbbing in my head. I yelped, clutching my hand to where the pain was coming from. Lucas’s eyes were so full of sorrow that I wanted to give him a hug, but I didn’t. “Rainey, you hit your head when you fell.” I didn’t remember falling. Oh wait, yes I did. I hit the tile on the floor of the hospital. It was all coming back to me now.

 

“Where’s Daniel?” I said, my voice sounding frantic. I began looking around the room and noticed that Lucas and I were the only ones in there. Lucas shook me and said, “You can’t see him, Raina.” I grew scared. Why couldn’t I see him? Was he dead? No, I had to see him. I threw Lucas’s arms off of me and hopped down from the bed. “Where is he??” I yelled. I needed to see him.

 

Lucas sighed and said, “Raina, you can’t see him. We all agree that you can’t handle the situation at the moment. Just sit back down and relax.”  I could not believe this boy. This boy that knew me so well. Didn’t he know that I needed to see Daniel? “Relax?!” My voice cracked, but I ignored it. “How can I relax when someone I know is dying right as we speak? How can you keep me from seeing someone I love!? What gives you that right, Lucas?” I felt horrible for yelling at him, but it was the only way I could get past him and leave him there in shock.

 

I apparently wasn’t wearing shoes because the floor was chilly beneath my feet. The hallway I was in I didn’t recognize and I definitely had no clue what room Daniel was in. A nurse passed by and I asked her if she knew where Daniel Toren was staying. She directed me to turn left at the end of the hallway and then take another left at the end of that hallway. He was in room 20. I thanked her and ran off.

 

My feet pounded loudly against the tile and I was about to take the second left when I heard Lucas call my name from behind me. I didn’t stop and kept running. When I had reached Daniel’s room I knocked and didn’t even bother waiting for someone to open the door. I turned the doorknob and let myself in.

 

Lucas stepped in only a second after me. I was lingering in the doorway, however, soaking in everything that was going on in the room. Daniel was awake, even paler than before, and sitting on his hospital bed. My mum was sitting in a chair leaned over with her hands clasped in front of her. Dr. Chill and Blake were muttering softly to each other.

 

“Daniel.” I said his name like I hadn’t seen him in two years. He looked up at the call of his name and when he saw me he smiled awkwardly. Ignoring everyone’s stares, I ran to the side of his bed and threw my arms over him. He felt so frail. I was worried I would break him if I squeezed to hard. He moved his arms so that he could hug me back, but it was such a weak hug it felt as if he didn’t want me there at all.

 

When I released him and looked at him in the eyes, I was stunned. His eyes were yellow. In fact, his skin was a faint shade of yellow as well. Was this an effect of his liver failing? I turned to see if the doctor had noticed that I had become aware of his color changing.

 

Dr. Chill stepped forward and said, “You have probably noticed that his eyes, along with his skin, is a faint yellow.” How did doctors stay so calm? Here I was, likely looking like an insane freak, blowing all the new information I received way out of proportion. “What does it mean?” I asked, trying my best not to sound like I was overreacting.

He sighed, “It has to do with his liver failure.” I looked around at everyone else in the room. No one else seemed surprised by the news. I assumed everyone else had already been informed by everything before I had arrived. Once more, I looked over at Daniel. He seemed so out of it. He probably didn’t care whether he died or not. He wanted to die, didn’t he? That was the reason he jumped out of the window in the first place.

 

Why was everyone sitting here, pretending to be mature about the situation and looking at me like I was the little kid that didn’t understand what death was. I walked over to Daniel and placed my hand on his cheek. He used to be so warm. His eyes were closed. He must have been exhausted. His body was working hard to restore itself, although it was useless. It was only a matter of time before the pain would stop.

 

That gave me the thought. “Dr. Chill?” I asked him while still gazing down at Daniel. “Yes?” He asked. He was behind me now. “Is he…is he in pain?” Dr. Chill didn’t respond and when I turned around to face him his face was thoughtful. “It varies. Some people cope with pain better than others. He doesn’t act like he’s in pain and when we offer giving him any painkillers; he refuses. Perhaps he wants to have a painful death. I’ve heard of people with BPD doing that before. They want to know what the pain of death feels like.”

 

The most emotion I had ever seen Dr. Chill express was when he had told me that. It actually seemed like he cared for a minute or two. I didn’t say anything and I stared back down at Daniel. His chest lifted and fell slowly. It seemed slower than before when I had seen it. I looked up at the heart monitor. The heartbeats were slower, as well. One single tear rolled down my cheek.

 

I didn’t say anything as I turned on my heels and ran out of the room. All of the sudden, for no apparent reason, a song that I hadn’t listened to since I was in the 9^th grade came into my head. The first lyrics resembled the situation so much that more tears came as I ran down the hall. The background music of the song came into tune and those first lyrics played over and over in my head as I ran:

 

We walk through the doorway,

Heard you calling from the hall

To find you in the bedroom

Not breathing at all

 

My tears made my throat sore and my breath run weak as I ran down the hallway. People moved out of the way and I almost ran into the automatic doors that led outside. When they opened and I was free from the hospital smell, I fell to the ground, gasping. The pain was too much to handle. There was no possible way for me to endure this. Was there no one that I could talk to, to share my feelings with? At that moment the last line of lyrics from that same song popped into my head as I curled into a ball on the hard concrete:

 

And down below your veins run dry

Your vacant eyes,

I lost control

 Your face is pale,

Your body’s cold

 

I wasn’t on the ground for long. Both Blake and Lucas had followed me down and were now picking me up from the ground. I didn’t protest. I just felt so weak. Maybe I was overreacting at the fact that Daniel was dying, but I had never been involved with anyone dying before. Sure, my dad had died, but he had felt so unreal and dream-like before he had died. He had never actually felt like my father, just a man who lived, breathed and ate with us. A stranger, really. But Daniel? He was no stranger.

 

When Lucas, Blake and I reached the room and entered once more, everyone didn’t look like statues like before. They all looked alive and actually worried. I was happy, happy that they were finally showing some emotion on the situation. Maybe they would finally see why I had overreacted at least twice.

 

Once Blake and Lucas had set me down on the floor and made sure I wasn’t going to topple over or pass out they let me go over to Daniel. I grabbed for his hand and held it close to my heart. He opened his eyes and looked at me. He smiled, the smile I remembered from two years ago and I fell in love with him all over again. I realized then that I wanted him to live. I wanted him to live more than anything that I had wanted before.

 

When Daniel spoke his voice was faint and weak, “Raina. Listen to me. I just want you to know that, I regret every moment that I ever hurt you or made you jealous or left you feeling unwanted. I just want you to know, Sunny, that I love you. I love you more than anyone. More than my parents, more than my friends, more than life itself.” I tightened my grasp on his hand.

 

The tears came too soon. I had promised myself that I wouldn’t let Daniel see me cry. That I wouldn’t cry until it was over. The pain. The agony. Everything. “Daniel, please. Stay strong. You’ll get through this, I know!” My voice was so loud compared to his, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care whether the others were listening or not. The only one I cared about at that moment was Daniel.

 

He shook his head, “Sunny, you have to let me go. You need to move on from me. I’m not going to live. You need to face that and accept it.” His words weren’t the truth. They were lies. He wanted to make me hate him so that I wouldn’t morn. It wouldn’t work. I loved him. I didn’t want to lose him. I let out a sob. The tears were too much. I couldn’t speak. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. I couldn’t, though. The tears were choking me. I was drowning. Drowning in my own tears. I love you, Daniel! My mind screamed. My voice wouldn’t allow it, though.

 

I could hear the heart monitor above my head. Beep……….Beep……….Beep. His heartbeats weren’t supposed to be that slow, that steady. Why was this happening to me? Better yet, why was this happening to Daniel? I managed to find some kind of air whole through my tears and I yelled, “Daniel, please! Stay with me! I need you. I love you!” My protests seemed like nothing to him.

 

He just looked me straight in the face and said, “Raina, you mustn’t love me. I don’t want you to. I don’t want to die, knowing that I’m putting you in pain. Please, do this for me. Tell me that you hate me.” The thought of saying that to Daniel stopped my tears for a split second.  “No, Daniel! I won’t lie to you! Please. Please, Daniel. Stay with me. I beg of you.” The entire world had withered away. It was just Daniel and I.

 

Slowly, he reached up his hand and placed it on my cheek. His skin was cold and frail compared to my heated body. I placed my hand over his and grasped onto it. My tears rolled down my cheeks so frantic they were like raindrops that were urgent to give to a drought. Daniel brushed away a couple of tears and said, “Don’t cry, Raina. This isn’t the last memory I want of you. I need you to smile.”

 

I couldn’t do it. The ache in my heart tugged on my smiling muscles and refused to release their hold. I shook my head, “I-I can’t, Daniel. Not now. Not like this.” Daniel’s voice shook, “Then when, Sunny? There isn’t much time left…” I new set of tears tromped down my face. My cheeks were so raw from crying the new tears stung sharply. But it just made everything seem so much more real.

 

“Don’t say that!” I screamed. My voice wasn’t my own. It was hoarse from crying. I sounded hysteric and I needed time to think. But there was no time. Each minute was slipping by too fast. Why couldn’t everything just pause and stop moving? I needed time. There was no time. No time for anything.

 

Daniel’s hand began slipping from mine. The heart monitor was only background noise but I still heard it. “NO!” I screamed. And then I screamed again. And again. Refusing to believe what was right before my eyes. “NO! NO! Daniel, stay! DANIEL! PLEASE!” The monitor had to have been moving in slow motion. It was the only thing that could explain the slowness of it. Beep…………………………………….Beep. I couldn’t, no I wouldn’t, accept this. I would not lose Daniel like this.

 

“Raina” He said in a hushed whisper, his eyes fluttering. I grabbed for his hand that was slipping more and more from my face. “Daniel.” I said, quieter than he had spoken my name. “No…” I whispered. His eyes tried to stay open but they looked so heavy. “Please…” I muttered. There was no use yelling anymore. I had given up all hope. “I love you.” Were his last words he uttered, and then he gave in. His eyes dropped and the monitor ceased to make any noise.

 

I screamed out in agony. It was the only way to make things seam real. No one moved or tried to comfort me. I collapsed onto Daniel’s cold body and let the tears run. I released all my emotions out and just let them intermingle with one another to form into one big knot in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to breathe. Was I still screaming? There was no way to tell, my throat was scarred up either way.