Twenty-five

 Daniel and I sat there in his kitchen talking until around nine o’clock. I had been over there for at least two hours. When we stood up I asked him where his parents were. Apparently, they had gone away on some honeymoon anniversary for the weekend. Well, that would explain Daniel’s serenity. When I used to come over, he would be so tense because his parents were drunks. He wasn’t very proud of them. Especially when his friends had to see them. He always felt ashamed.

 

We walked to my car and before I got in, Daniel pulled me into a hug. Due to his immense muscles, I could barely breathe. However, I didn’t care because he was so warm and it felt to good to have scent wafting in my nose and head. When he released me I looked up at him and flashed my teeth. He rolled his eyes at my giddiness and reached over to open the car door for me. Fluttering my eyelashes I looked back over at him, tilted my head and said, “Why thank you, Daniel.” Trying not to crack up, Daniel said, “Anytime, miss. You better be getting home, though. It is awful late.”

 

I gave in and laughed. “Thank you for your concern. I’m a tough girl, however. I think I can face the darkness.” Daniel beamed and ushered me into the car. When I had settled myself in and buckled my seat belt he closed the door. The key turned the car to life and I rolled down the window. Daniel placed his hands on the rim and leaned in to give me a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Goodnight, Daniel.” I said, smiling. He returned my smile and stepped back so that I could drive out. My arm automatically moved to the headrest and I turned my head around so that I could make sure no cars were coming. When I pulled out of the driveway and looked back up to where Daniel stood, he waved. I waved back and then drove away. 

 

On the drive back, I constantly kept bringing up the thought of Daniel dying in my mind. Not really sure why that kept coming up, but I just couldn’t seem to shake the image of it out of my head. When I turned onto my street, I realized that maybe the reason that thought wouldn’t leave was because I wanted to feel something real. These past months, along with the past year, has felt so dream-like it was unreal.

 

I parked the car and got out. The air was a little misty and damp, but otherwise it was a really nice night. Breathing in the fresh air, I began to walk up to the house. While I was walking into the house, I heard my mum’s voice talking. “Mum?” I questioned, stepping into the room where her voice had come from.  She looked up at me and said, “Oh, Raina. I didn’t hear you come in.”

 

She looked frightened, but not for herself. She looked frightened for me. I cocked my head to the side and began to walk closer to her, “Mum, you’re okay, right?” Her eyes grew big and she seemed so much like lost child being confronted by a stranger. My mum didn’t speak. She barely even nodded. I grabbed her shoulders, “Mum, what’s wrong?” Smiling weakly she said, “I heard about Daniel.” She could barely get out his name.

 

At first, I didn’t fully understand what she was talking about. Then, it hit me. My mum was talking about the BPD. Had Lucas told her? Why would he do that? If she has been so torn over dad for the last couple of months and he died because of BPD, then those memories must be in her head at this very moment. I avoided her gaze and tried to stay strong for her.  “Mum, I’m okay. I went over to Daniel’s house tonight and we discussed things. I don’t mind that he has BPD.”

 

I took my hands off from her shoulders and sat down next to her. She was still staring at the space in front of her. I put my hand under her chin and tilted her head so it was facing me. “Mum, did you know what would possibly happen to dad after he was diagnosed?” She moved her head back so she could stare into space again. Slowly, she nodded.

 

My shoulders dropped, disappointed. Did all BPD people commit suicide? That couldn’t be right. They had to be depressed, and that depression had to be serious. I had never thought of Daniel as being depressed. He always seemed happy in the activities that he was immersed in. This just didn’t make since. Even if he wanted to die, what reasons were there?

 

My mum turned her head to face me once more and said, “It’s okay, Raina. I’m sure that…the same fate won’t happen to Daniel.” Now she was the one comforting me. However, the way that she said that Daniel would not fall into the same fate made me doubt even more. I think that we both knew what was to come of Daniel, whether we wanted to believe it or not.

 

After I had given my mum an awkward hug, I stood and walked up to my room, carrying thoughts of the day’s activities in my mind. Lucas’s door was slightly opened and I decided not to bother him with my constant problems. Instead, I headed to my room and fell onto my bed like it was my last resort of sanity. Which was probably true. Sleep was the only way to escape all of this insanity.

 

I didn’t even bother getting out of my clothes to change into something more pleasant. Kicking off my shoes and rolling over, a small tear rolled down my cheek. I was just as surprised as someone watching would have been. Why was I crying? Perhaps everything was so overwhelming that I hadn’t realized. My emotions had, but mentally I hadn’t. So I let the tears fall. One after another. Then more and more came, one overlapping the next.

 

It was a good thing the next day was Saturday because I spent half the night counting the tears that dripped off the beak of my nose and fell onto the ground below. The numb feeling clogging my head may have been caused by congestion, but I couldn’t be sure. In fact, I really didn’t care. The tears were making my face raw and I just couldn’t stop them. Even if I wanted to, the salty water poured uncontrollably from my tear ducts.

 

They didn’t cause me to heave in great sobs or anything of that sort. They were just pouring from my eyes, making my view incredibly blurry. Even my mind felt blurry. Things seemed so offset and crazy. There was no way to tell which way was up or down.

 

Wiping my eyes became useless since my vision would cloud over once more in another second. So I just sat there, miserable, staring at waves of water until I finally fell into a nightmarish sleep at around three o’clock.

 

The nightmares were awful and changed frequently. One moment I was standing there alone in the dark, and Lucas would be running toward me, screaming my name. I would try to scream back but my voice was not heard. I had no voice. Then it would switch, and I would be looking for something. I had no idea what it was, but it must have been important because I was frantically searching for it.

 

The last nightmare I remembered having was I was tugging on someone’s sleeve, yelling at him not to jump. This person and me were on top of a cliff. He was looking over the edge, and he told me that he was going to jump. That it was the only way to end his agony. I couldn’t recognize the voice because it was hidden so well. 

 

Whoever it was, I had refused to let them jump. ‘Please!’ I had yelled. Tears were streaming down my face and my breathing was so loud I could barely hear my plead for him not to jump. That was when he had turned around and I had dropped my hand from his sleeve, stunned. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

 

At first, I thought it was Daniel, before I had seen his face. After all, he was trying to jump off the cliff and kill himself, but it wasn’t Daniel. It was Blake. Why would Blake be trying to do this? It didn’t make any sense. Right before I could say anything to him, his face changed.

 

Blake’s face twisted and before I knew it he was someone different entirely. His face was Daniel now. I had reached out for him, my voice silent. Daniel hadn’t said anything, turned, and jumped off the cliff. I had found my voice right after he had jumped, but all I could do was scream. That was how I woke up, screaming at the top of my lungs.

 

Lucas ran into my room, a bat in his hand and yelled, “Raina, what is it?!” It took me several minutes before I comprehended whether I was still dreaming or not. Still a little dazed, I got up from my bed and walked over to where Lucas stood with the bat over his head. I placed my hand on his arm and said, “Lucas, sweetie, what are you doing?”

 

He laughed and lowered the bat. “I heard you screaming, I thought someone had snuck in or something. I laughed, too. “No, Lucas. I just had a nightmare. It was…” The images of the nightmares came back and I had to sit down before I began screaming again. It still puzzled me, though. Why would Blake be on the cliff, too?

 

Lucas raised on eyebrow in confusion, “It was what?” I shook my head, trying to get the images erased from my memory. “They were just scary, is all. And a little confusing. No big.” I smiled. Those nightmares would be one thing I would keep away from Lucas. They couldn’t be important, anyway. They were just dreams, after all.

 

He didn’t exactly seem to believe me, but let it go and dropped the bat on the floor. “Then you’re okay?” He asked. I assumed he was just trying to make sure that I wasn’t going to freak out again. Making an effort, I managed to smile and say, "For the most part, yes. You don't need to worry about me, Lucas. I'm fine. Really." Lucas curled the side of his mouth up and nodded cautiously.

 

After Lucas had left my room I decided that I might as well get ready for the day since I was already up and I definitely did not want to go back to sleep. Out of my small selection of clothes, I decided on a pair of gray skinny jeans and a black shirt with a logo of some band I didn't know. My black converse were slipped on and tied, ready to do. Then, I headed to the bathroom to put on some makeup.

 

While I was applying my eyeliner, my mind began conjuring up afterthoughts of my nightmares last night. The fact that Blake was there but then into Daniel...that had to mean something, right? There was no way my mind would have thought that up without some sort of meaning behind it. Whatever the reason was, it was really freaking me out. Did it mean that Blake wanted to die, as well? That didn’t make any sense.

 

I finished with my eyeliner and began stroking on my mascara. I really needed to talk to someone about this. Maybe I could talk to a psychiatrist or something. That could possibly help. Whatever, its not like they could do anything. They would just tell me not to worry. Psychiatrists are liars.

 

My mum was pouring orange juice when I walked into the kitchen. She turned around, “Oh, was it you who was screaming this morning?” I smiled shyly, “Sorry.” She just laughed, “It’s okay, Raina. Lucas told me about you having a nightmare. I thought it was kind of strange, though. You haven’t had a nightmare that has woken you up in about ten years.” My eye twitched. “Yeah. Strange.” I said without feeling and grabbed the apple juice bottle out of the fridge.

 

When I had finished with breakfast, I ran upstairs to grab my purse and my keys. Right before I walked out the door my mum told me to be back at lunchtime. I really loved my mum. She was so laid back. She always let me go wherever I wanted whenever, as long as I told her when I would be back.

 

The strum of the engine under my fingertips and feet reminded me of the night before when I really needed to have a drive to calm myself down. This morning, though, I had a destination: The grocery store. I was in need of some chocolate, like every girl is at least once in her life. Maybe I would get a magazine to read, too. I only wanted to distract myself from my constant troubling thoughts.

 

I zipped into a parking spot and popped the keys out of the ignition. The grocery store trip wasn’t long. I practically hopped in and then back out. When I came out I was carrying a box of chocolate, two magazines, and a really nice smelling candle. The candle was for my mum; she loved them.

 

My mum’s face was the happiest I had ever seen it when I handed her the candle. She gave me a big hug and said thank you about twenty times. “Honey, it’s beautiful! And it smells like gingerbread cookies!” Her giddiness was catching and I had to laugh. My mum really was carefree. Every small thing was blown out of proportion.

 

Lucas walked down; a serious expression painted on his face, and broke up our little celebration. He handed me the phone and said, “It’s Daniel.” Confused at why Lucas looked so sober, I took the phone and walked into the other room. “Daniel, why didn’t you just call me on my cell phone?” I wasn’t even sure he heard what I said because he was so quick to get out what he said.

 

“Raina, I need to talk to you. Now.” He sounded like a teacher who was disciplining a pupil. And guess who the pupil was. “You’re talking to me right now, what’s wrong?” Don’t tell me the moment had come for him to become fully depressed and he was going to try to kill himself. No, he wouldn’t do that. No matter how sick in the head he was, he wouldn’t leave me like that.

 

“No, I need to see you.” What was the meaning of that? This was all so baffling. This world of mine was falling. You would think that it would have already hit rock bottom by now. “Daniel, what is going on? Are you okay?” He didn’t answer. I was about to repeat my question when he said, “Meet me at Mocha at 1.” And then the line disconnected. I looked at my phone lying innocently in my hand. What was this all about?

 

I walked back into the living room where Lucas and my mum were whispering fiercely to each other. When they noticed me come in, they got real quiet. I directed my attention to my mum and said, “Is it okay if I go over to Mocha at 1 to talk to Daniel?” My voice was shaking, and I could feel that my face probably looked very pale. Besides, I didn’t know what Daniel wanted to talk about. Maybe he wanted to see me once more before he killed himself.

 

My mum eyed Lucas and then cleared her throat. “That’s perfectly fine. You stay there as long as you want, sweetie.” For no reason at all, tears began swelling inside my eyes. Maybe it was because both Lucas and her could see through my head and saw each and every thought running through my mind. Did they feel sorry for me that I could possibly lose the one that I loved?

 

I felt horrible. For myself, and my mum and Daniel, and just the entire world and its people. The tears fell before I made it up the steps. I ran into my room and crashed onto my bed, sobbing. This time, the tears were so loud and obnoxious I felt so pathetic and immature. I needed a hug. Yes, that was exactly what I needed. A hug. So, pathetic little me, I rolled off my bed and landed on the ground.

 

My original thought was to give myself a hug but my arms were under my body and I really just didn’t feel like moving. Good thing Lucas walked in at that moment and saw me in a mess on the floor. “Raina.” He said. I could hear the sympathy in his voice. This made me feel even more terrible for some odd reason. Perhaps it was because I had no sympathy for myself.

 

Lucas lifted my up by putting his hand on the small of my back. He pulled me into a hug and kept me there in his secure arms. He always knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. I loved him so much and I would literally die if I didn’t have him here to help me through all my problems. I pulled away from the hug and just looked at him. He returned my gaze and rustled my hair a bit.

 

“Raine?” He asked. I stared at him and waited for him to continue. “You’re going to be all right.” He didn’t say it like a question. It was a statement. But I felt the urge to answer anyway, “Yes. Eventually, I will be.” I stood up and walked to my bathroom. My face was puffy and red. I sighed and grabbed a makeup remover wipe to get the excess mascara off of my cheeks.

 

Lucas walked in and was about to say something else when our mum called from downstairs that it was lunchtime. We raced down the steps and into the kitchen right as our mum was placing a bag of salad and a tray of lasagna on the table. We all took our seats and began to dig in. No one spoke and the only sound came from forks scraping and food being chewed.

 

It was 12:30 when we had finished and I was beginning to get worried. I helped my mum wash everything up just to calm my nerves. My legs were weak and I had to concentrate really hard to get up the steps without fainting. When I reached my room I sat on the floor and closed my eyes. “Just breathe, Raina.” It helped to calm my nerves when I talked to myself. After several minutes of doing breathing exercises, I had calmed down enough to stand up straight.

 

There was nothing I could do until the time to leave rolled around. And I didn’t want to stay in the house moping around. My fingers were a little sweaty from me being nervous, but I handled it and once again got my purse and keys and headed to my car. “Mum, I’m going. Be back as soon as I can.” I told her as I passed her room. She ran out into the hallway and said, “Good luck. Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s nothing.” Her eyes said it all. She was lying to make me feel better. It didn’t work.

 

I checked the clock on the dashboard when the car turned on: 12:50. My breathing had mostly returned to normal from my loss of air earlier. Mocha was about three minutes away from my house. I wouldn’t mind it if I was early, it would give me some time to think about what Daniel wanted to discuss and what I would say in return.

 

By the time my car was parked and I was walking to the building, I was rather eager to get this over and done with. I was finished with worrying and being anxious. They really were useless emotions, only meant to put you in a spot where you would constantly rethink your original plan of action because you began to worry about it.

 

Daniel wasn’t there, but I didn’t mind. It was still only 12:54. He had six minutes. I placed my bags down in the same seat that we had sat at two days before. This week had gone by so slow, it felt at least a week ago that I was sitting there carefree chatting it up with Daniel. There was no one in line so I decided to go ahead and get myself something to drink.

 

The cashier, whose nametag said Jackie, wasn’t too pleasant. She either had a hangover or just really didn’t want to be there. Probably both. “Welcome to Mocha. How may I be of your service today?” I tried to smile at her to brighten her mood but her bored face did not look like it was going to change at any moment. “Can I have a French vanilla coffee?” It was the only coffee flavor I would bear to drink. The original taste of coffee disgusted me.

 

I received my coffee and handed her the money. After I had gotten my change back, the bell on the door chimed. I expected it to be Daniel, but when I looked over, it was some lady. Sighing, I headed back to the table. I slowly sipped at my coffee and stared out the window, thinking.

 

I hadn’t notice the time until the coffee in my cup was gone. Stunned, I checked my cell phone. It was 3:00! Where the hell was Daniel? I can imagine having an excuse for being fifteen minutes late, but not two hours late! This was too obscure to be an accident. At that moment my phone began to ring. The caller ID was a number I didn’t recognize. Realizing it could be Daniel at a payphone, I picked up. “Hello?”

 

There were many background noises as the other person spoke. I could barely focus on the words. They apologized a multitude of times and then spoke more bad news, making the situation worse. My hand cringed around the phone like it was my lifeline. Too bad nothing was saving me from the pain that was burning like a wildfire in my heart. The other person told me to come immediately.

 

I couldn’t speak. At least, I thought I couldn’t, although I heard myself say okay and hang up. My hands grabbed for my bags and my legs carried me out of Mocha and to my car. Why were things so terribly horrible? Why did all these messed up issues always have to happen to me? WHY?

 

My hands fumbled and it took me three times until I could finally turn the key and start the car up. The way to the hospital seemed to take ages and my mind was barely conscience for it all. I was too deep into my thoughts that I barely knew where I was going or why I was driving there.

 

There seemed to be at least five nurses waiting for me in the main lobby. One nurse, the one from earlier in the week that I had said looked like a Barbie, grabbed for me and told me to follow her. What else could I do? We walked down one hallway, and then another, and then three more. At last, she stopped in front of a door and knocked lightly.

 

It surprised me even more that Blake was the one who opened the door. He didn’t look surprised to see me, though. He held open the door farther to let the nurse and I in. It took my eyes several minutes to soak in the enter view and my brain to compute everything. The same doctor, Dr. Chill, was there.

 

My eyes wandered all over the room and then landed on the bed. I would have recognized Daniel’s face no matter how pale he looked, and he was so pale. My mouth dropped a little and no one uttered a word as I walked forward. The sound of my shoes clomping on the floor was the only sound.

 

I could tell my eyes were wavering because the view of Daniel was shaking. He was white and his eyes were closed. A heart monitor and an IV were hooked up to him. The heart monitor beeped away with a steady rhythm. I let out a breath that I had apparently been holding. At least he was alive. That was all I cared about.

 

Then, I noticed the blood on his clothes. And on his hands, and the top of his head. Everywhere. Blood. I felt frantic to get out, to breathe, to just sit down and scream. I wanted to blur out this entire world and die. How could Daniel have done this to himself? How could he have purposely hurt himself? What was going on? Why?

 

I whipped around and my eyes stared at one person and one person only. Dr. Chill. I had to swallow several times before I could ask my question. When I did speak, my voice was so soft but sounded so loud in the quiet room. “What…happened?” No one spoke as Dr. Chill straightened up and cleared his throat once. Twice. Once more.

 

“Due to Mr. Toren’s BPD illness, he was clearly in a depression state, he attempted suicide.” I wanted to tear out the doctor’s throat. Did he think that I didn’t know about Daniel’s BPD? Of course he was here because he attempted suicide. What I wanted to know was what did he do.

 

Obviously, this doctor was going to say too many medical terms and not give me the facts I needed. I spun in a semi circle and found myself looking directly into Blake’s eyes. He stepped back a bit. “What happened? What did he do??” Once again, no one spoke. It was Blake’s turn to be under the spotlight.

 

“Well, you see…” I was so infuriated. At myself. At Blake. At life. “No, I don’t see! Tell me what the f**k Daniel did to himself!” I heard my mum gasp behind me but I ignored it. I could deal with her later. Blake looked taken back, but he tried to hide it. Blake opened his mouth to speak and a thought darted through my mind. Had Daniel jumped off a cliff? Was Blake there when it happened? Maybe he pushed him…is that what my dream was trying to tell me?

 

“Raina, try to understand that it wasn’t Daniel’s fault. It was all because of his illness.” Lucas’s voice said to my left. I ignored him and continued glaring at Blake, waiting for my explanation. Blake caved and said, “He was at Caleb’s apartment. He went up to the 4^th story and jumped out the window.” Without meaning to, I took in a breath of air. I turned so I could see Daniel’s face. He looked so weak lying on the hospital bed, slowly but surely breathing.

 

 

Blake began to speak and I aimed my eyes back to where he was. “He hit a car when he landed.” I was so angry with Blake, he was telling me this story with no pity or sorrow in his face or eyes. He could at least feel bad for Daniel’s family or me. Daniel’s family…where were they? Did they even know that Daniel was in the hospital? If they did, they probably didn’t care.

 

I walked closer to Blake and said, “What’s the damage.” Blake shrugged and pointed to the doctor. I turned on my heels and went up to Dr. Chill. He knew what I was asking and grabbed for his clipboard to check the details of the injuries. “He hit his stomach pretty sharply on the roof of the car. His spleen has been punctured.” This could not be happening. How could such a messed up world get worse? My eyes narrowed. “What is the damage to that?” Dr. Chill fumbled for the correct words, “His liver is failing. I’m sorry to say that he only has a couple hours left.”

 

“NO!” I screamed, shocked. This wasn’t happening, it couldn’t be. Everything was falling apart. Everyone was fading. The world was dispersing…. The wall that I had been looking at became blurry and whooshed past my eyes. The floor was closer to my face then I had remembered. I could feel the cold tile underneath me and realized that I was lying on the ground.

 

I heard my mum’s voice call out my name but it was fading. I was fading. Nothing made sense anymore. Then, darkness took over my entire body. I felt dead. No sound or feeling came. Everything was still; including my heartbeat that I knew was there but couldn’t hear.