Twenty-four

 “Raina” My brother called my name from downstairs. I hopped off my bed and ran to the door. Opening it I yelled down, “What?” I was already heading down the steps as Lucas replied, “Dinner!” I reached the kitchen and began getting out plates to set the table with. My mum walked in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “Hey mum.” I told her, placing cups on the table.

 

She smiled and went over to Lucas to give him a kiss on the cheek, as well. When we all sat down, my mum turned to me and said, “Raina, did you finish all your homework.” My mind went blank. I had been so focused on the whole Blake situation I couldn’t even remember what homework I did and what homework I didn’t. “I have a couple of work sheets left for math.” I said, thinking up something.

 

My mum nodded and began eating her food. I rested my fork on my plate, contemplating. Lucas looked up at me, “Raina, you okay?” I blinked, surprised, and glanced, dazedly over at him. “Oh, yeah. I was just…thinking.” Lucas stared at me with a look of concern. I tried to smile reassuringly but my heart just wasn’t in to it.

 

Just to cheer him up, I dug into my food and tried to look cheery about it. In fact, I didn’t know why I felt so depressed. Maybe it was because of Blake and that I felt bad for being so rude to him. Perhaps he deserved what Daniel got. A second chance. But Daniel only got that second chance because he proved to me that he was worthy of one. I let out a sigh, completely flabbergasted on what to do.

 

After dinner Lucas and I went up to my room and sat on my floor. Neither of us spoke for a while. I didn’t mind it though, because there were plenty of things on my mind for me to think about. “Raina…” Lucas said my name, not exactly with a question following, just as if he wanted to hear how it sounded on his tongue. I stared at him, waiting for some sort of statement to come.

 

“You’re doing okay, right? Daniel is bothering you, is he?” Lucas asked, concerned. I shook my head, “Don’t worry, Lucas, he is over that now. He hasn’t bothered my since I gave him his second chance. Daniel is being very mature about everything. It’s Blake he is being a total butthead about everything. I don’t understand why he won’t just leave me alone and let me be happy. He keeps pestering me.”

 

Lucas rested his chin on his hands and gazed at the floor for a couple of minutes. He glanced up at me and said, “You know if you want me to, I could tell Blake to get lost. Of course, only if you want me to, that is. I will do anything that will make you feel more comfortable at school.” I reassured him with a slight nod of my head. I knew that whatever I asked of Lucas he would do for me. No matter the silliness of the request.

 

As we sat there, my phone that was still on top of my bed vibrated. Sighing, I got up, stretched, and grabbed for the vibrating annoyance. When my hand found it, it carelessly picked it up and I answered. “Raina, It’s me, Daniel.” My mood immediately lightened and I replied, “Hey, what are you up to?” I peeked down at Lucas who was still on the floor. He didn’t seem to be listening or caring what so ever that I was on the phone at all.

 

Daniel didn’t answer and I said, “Is everything all right?” He still didn’t answer and I got worried. “Daniel, you know, if there is something wrong, you can always tell me. Don’t ever think that I would look at you any different.” I heard him let out a sigh and I bit my lower lip to help me from freaking out. “You promise you will let me tell you everything and you won’t think any less of me?” I could barely speak. What could be the cause of this?

 

“Yes, I promise.” I said, not believing that he had to ask to be sure that I wouldn’t think any less of him. He let out a breath of air and continued, “As you know, I’ve been going to a psychiatrist for the past two years, am I correct?” “Yes.” I replied. Daniel inhaled and kept talking, “Apparently, I haven’t exactly gotten better through out my counseling sessions. Although, it looks like I have, I haven’t. I’ve gotten worse in my anger management and my depression.”

 

Could this really be true? It seemed so much like a fantasy to me. “But Daniel, you have seemed so much happier. And you haven’t gotten angry with me once. What do you mean you haven’t improved? I’ve seen it with my own eyes!” At my sudden displeasurement, Lucas hopped up and placed a soothing arm around me. I leaned my head on his shoulder and tried to concentrate on the words that were streaming into my ear.

 

“Yes, I know. In fact, even I had thought that I had been improving. But they did different tests on me and those tests show differently. So, today I went into the doctor to see what was wrong.” He cut himself off. The words that I wanted to say were caught in my throat. I settled for, “Don’t worry. Go on.” He waited a moment, catching his breath and then proceeded, “Raina, they diagnosed me with BPD.” Well, for starters I had no idea what that was or what it stood for.

 

“Is it…bad?” I asked, cautious not to set him off on a rampage. “You probably don’t even know what that is, do you?” I tried to laugh in the tense situation but it didn’t come and out well and sounded like I was choking. “Can you explain it?” I asked. “It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. It is basically a serious mental illness and it can cause bipolar disorders, which explains my anger management and it deals with low self-esteem on self image and there is a high risk of being able to remain in a relationship very well. Raina, it explains my mood changes and my depression. I’ve been depressed because I feel like I can’t live up to anyone’s standards.”

 

Once Daniel had finished his explaining I felt useless. I couldn’t exactly do anything for him. A hug wasn’t going to make the diagnosed boy feel any better. What could I do? I couldn’t say sorry, that would just make me look terrible. “Daniel, nothing serious comes out of this, right? You’re still the same guy. No major things have changed. You won’t change.” He didn’t answer, and I felt my hope drop.

 

“I have to go, Daniel. A lot of homework to do.” I said, feeling numb. This feeling felt strange and alien like to me. I shouldn’t feel this way, because Daniel was still Daniel. He would get through this. He had been acting so well, so why did I feel like this changed so many things when it didn’t? Maybe I was the one who had the mental illness.

 

“Raina, you still feel the same about me, right?” Daniel’s worried words spurted into my head, but I barely heart them throughout my own thoughts. “Certainly, Daniel. I’ll always feel the same about you.” My lips spoke, but I couldn’t remember saying them myself. Some things had to be thought through before I could talk to Daniel the same way.

 

“Okay, Raina, I’ll talk to you later then.” Daniel said. He didn’t sound completely confident, but I couldn’t worry about that now. “Alright. Bye.” I said. I clicked off before I could here Daniel’s reply. Realizing that I had been standing the whole time, I let my body flop onto my bed. Lucas waited a couple of minutes before asking what had happened. He sat down next to me and rubbed the center of my back.

 

I closed my eyes and tried to think of a good way to tell Lucas without having a fit of hysteria come out from me. Sitting up, I looked Lucas in the face and said, “Daniel has a mental illness. Something called BPD.” He looked hesitant at first, but then nodded his head. He looked like he understood but his eyes said otherwise. “Borderline Personality Disorder.” Lucas said, like he was a doctor diagnosing one of his patients and was very certain about it.

 

“Do you know what it is?” I asked him. He nodded, avoiding eye contact. “How?” Lucas, still steering clear of my eyes, said, “Dad had it. He committed suicide. There was no car crash. Mum stayed quiet and eventually all the details didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was that he was gone. I knew though. I couldn’t tell you. Not yet anyway. I didn’t want you to think that our dad was insane.” In shock, I just nodded. I was trying to act mature and pretend that I understood the reason for Lucas keeping the secret.

 

Then, I realized what that could mean. My breathing came short and fast. Lucas leaned over me, “Raine, it’s okay. Breathe.” It was hard but I managed to control it. Gasping, I sat up and frantically asked Lucas, “Do you think that…that” I couldn’t even finish my own sentence. I assumed Lucas knew what I was talking about because he said softly, “That Daniel would commit suicide?” I choked on my own reply so I nodded.

 

My eyes searched for some kind of answer in Lucas’s face. He hid his emotions too well for me to find anything, though. When he didn’t respond I asked again, “Lucas…you don’t really think he would, do you?” Lucas looked away, refusing to look me in the eye. My eyes got big and he didn’t even have to answer. I knew, deep in my self, that Daniel would.

 

“Lucas, I need to think.” He understood immediately and got up to leave. When he closed the door behind him I dropped my head into my pillow and began to cry. Not just for Daniel, but for everything. That I might lose him and the sorrow that my mum must have felt when she knew that the day that my dad could commit suicide would come eventually.

 

I lifted my head up and dried my tears on the back of my hand. Still sniffling, I lifted up my phone and stared at it. Should I call Daniel back? No, that would probably result in another fit of tears. What about Blake? I wasn’t exactly up for his personality, so probably not. Scarlett would ask too many questions, Ellie would need me to be happy, which wasn’t possible at the moment. Nie would probably just stay very quiet. That wasn’t what I needed. I needed someone to talk to. Not about this. Just to talk.

 

There was nothing else I could do. I got up from my bed, checked myself in the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like a total mess and grabbed my purse from my desk. Making my way downstairs, I called out to my mum that I was going out for awhile. There were things that needed to be thought over. The only way to do that would be to take a nice long relaxing drive.

 

The car’s engine was soothing and I could finally relax once I had been driving for a bit. Driving always calmed me down, no matter the situation. There were no negative thoughts running through my head. The only one was where the heck I was going. My conscience didn’t seem to mind, though. The car just kept eating the road and the trees kept waving as I swept by. It was a marvelous feeling.

 

Eventually, as all everything does, the forgetting thoughts returned and the relaxed atmosphere died down. It was when I was around ten minutes from home. The thoughts of Daniel committing suicide returned and my breathing began rigid once more. What more could a girl do but worry? Besides, even if Daniel decided on doing that, it wasn’t like I could stop him. Even if I could, I wouldn’t know how.

 

Honestly, I really didn’t feel like going home and facing all of my problems. I would need to focus on this one issue for a little bit. Shrugging, I picked up my phone and dialed Daniel’s number. He picked up on the third ring and I instantly suggested that I come over and we discuss this. Daniel agreed. I was already on his street, heading toward his house.

 

When I rang the doorbell, Daniel answered the door. He breathed out a hello and all I could manage was a smile. He stepped back and motioned for me to come in. Stepping through, memories flooded my mind. The first time Daniel had slapped me was on that couch. My eyes lingered on it, but quickly darted back to Daniel’s face, which looked anxious.

 

We both walked to the kitchen. He sat down on a chair and patted the seat next to his. I sat down and crossed one leg over the other. I didn’t exactly feel like saying anything yet, so I let the silence grow. Daniel respected my urge to think for a moment, and glanced around his kitchen like he was looking for a missing detail of some sort.

 

“Daniel…” I must have been nervous because my voice came out high pitched and squeaky. He looked over at me like he was surprised that I had spoken at all. “Now, Sunny, I’m sure that you’re still a little in shock. With that in mind, think about what you are going to say before you say it.” He was acting so mature about the situation he made me jealous of how I was acting.

 

Taking his advice, I thought over for the tenth time about what I was going to say to him. When I became absolutely positive about my upcoming statement would be sufficient for the conversation and I began to talk. “Okay. Daniel, I just want you to know that my overall look on you hasn’t changed. No matter what, I love you for you. Some illness of yours is not going to change that.” While I was explaining all this, Daniel had ceased eye contact and began gazing out the window.

 

Just like he had done for me, I tried to respect his silence and let him think. It took him several minutes but I remained patient. Daniel lifted his head off of his hand and turned his head to face me. I raised my eyebrows and waited for him to start talking. “Raina, I’m glad that you said that. I would not be able to bear it if you had told me that you didn’t love me anymore. I wouldn’t have tried to force you to love me back, of course. It would just have killed me inside.”

 

When he uttered the word ‘killed’ I winced, remembering what my dad had done. I was glad that I had told him this tonight, as well. What if I hadn’t? Would he be contemplating ways to die right now instead of talking to me? I could barely think of the thoughts, so I distracted myself by trying to consume my mind into the conversation.

 

“You didn’t really believe that I wouldn’t love you anymore, did you?” I questioned, intrigued on what his answer would be. He brought a thumb and forefinger to his chin and stared at an invisible spot in the air. “Hmm, no I don’t think that I believed that. But, when you think about something for two hours straight, your mind can make you believe things that you didn’t quite consider to be the truth before.” I nodded. I knew exactly what he meant. The more I had thought on Daniel committed suicide; the more I actually considered it being true.

 

That was when Daniel’s words sank in. Good thing he knew that I loved him or he could have seriously convinced himself otherwise. Smiling, I leaned forward and pecked him on the cheek. He gleamed and said, “So, you promise that no matter my illness, you love me exactly the same.” I rolled my eyes playfully and responded, “Needless to say, but yes, I definitely love you the same. You don’t need to have any worries about that.”

 

Daniel smirked and leaned forward. He kissed me gently on the lips and pulled back. Even that little gave me the tingles and made me love him all the more. He really was a great guy, no matter what others thought or said about him. I guess the saying is true. You just can’t judge a book by its cover. You never really know whether that book is going to be one you read again and again and still enjoy, or one that after the first page you are completely over and done with it.