Twenty

 I couldn’t even remember getting dressed this morning. I actually “woke up” when I was walking to my locker and realized that I was at school. “Whoa.” “What?” Scarlett asked. I hadn’t realized that she was walking beside me until she spoke. “Oh, nothing. Just forgot that I was at school.” Scarlett giggled and rolled her eyes.

 

When we reached my locker Scarlett asked me, “Say, whatever happened to that Blake guy you were telling us at lunch the other day?” Was it really only a couple of days ago that I was telling them about Daniel and Blake? It seemed like weeks. “What happened? Well, Blake decided that he had no interest in me, it was only the action that was around me. The action died off and he lost interest. No big.”

 

I grabbed my books and closed my locker shut. When I saw Scarlett’s face it was a blend of confusion and startle. “What?” I questioned. “Aren’t you upset? You were crazy over the guy on Monday.” I began walking; Scarlett trailing behind me like a kid and his mother. “Yeahhh….well things change and people change.”

 

“So you’re saying that he just came out and said, ‘Sorry, I don’t like you anymore.’?” She asked, still confused. I shrugged, “Pretty much. But I’m over it. Guys are asses anyway.” She laughed, agreeing. “Anyway, Daniel called me last night.” I said, trying to get the topic away from Blake. Scarlett’s face stood in surprise, “Yuck. Why?”

 

“I have no clue. He called and I picked up. He wanted to go to dinner.” Scarlett cracked up and started snorting, “You didn’t say yes did you?” Then I started cracking up, “No, Of course not! That’s revolting. I told him that I wasn’t going to do that. And then he freaked out and told me this plan of his how he was going to make me trust him and then end up hurting me again. I told him he was stupid because he just told me his plan and now I wasn’t going to go along with it. So it was pretty dumb.”

 

Scarlett started laughing and didn’t stop until we were almost to homeroom. “What?” I asked, desperate for an answer. “That is so funny! Daniel is so stupid! I cannot believe he was dumb enough to tell you that. He should have thought his words out carefully and not lost control. What a moron.” That was when we turned the corner, and of course the one and only was standing there.

Daniel.

 

And he looked pissed. Had he heard the last of our conversation? “Hello, girls.” He said.  He didn’t sound angry, but then again, it isn’t too hard to hide your emotions. “Hello, Daniel.” I said bluntly. I was not going to let this kid get inside my head. “Hey.” Scarlett mumbled.

 

“Can I talk to Raina alone, Scarlett?” Daniel asked with the nicest tone I have ever heard him use. However, Scar didn’t buy in. “No, you may not.” She said, polite as ever. Daniel narrowed his eyes at her but she ignored him and turned to me. “Lets get to homeroom.” “Yeah.” I said, not really sure what to say besides that.

 

As we walked away I could feel Daniel’s eyes glaring into the back of my head. I whispered to Scar, “Are you sure that was the best thing to do? What if he attacks us or something?” Scar looked at me like my head had just snapped off and was rolling down the hallway, “I really don’t think so, Rain. People, no matter how crazy, don’t just randomly tackle people to the ground. Don’t worry. Besides we’re at school. We’ll be safe.” I blew out a puff of air, “School isn’t as safe as you would think.”

 

When we got into homeroom Ellie and Nye were waiting for us. We sat down and told them about our little encounter with Daniel. And then I informed them about the phone call between Daniel and I. Afterwards, they were both stunned into silence. “Whoa.” Nie said. “Yeah, really.” Ellie agreed. I leaned back in my seat, “I have a feelings its not over yet.”

 

The first four periods of school went be pretty quickly. I had two classes with Nie, and then one Ellie and one with Scar. We all met up outside the lunchroom at 12:15. “Don’t you have your next period with Daniel?” Ellie asked me. I sighed, “Sadly, yes. I’m not sure how I am going to deal with that. It was bad enough the day after we broke up. But after this morning’s encounter…He looked pretty pissed off. Maybe I should skip.”

 

“No, don’t skip. Today is your last day of working on that project, right?” Scar asked. “Yeah, so? I still have to work with the guy on it.” I protested. “Yes, well. Since it’s the last day just don’t even let him wander off into another topic that would lead to what happened this morning or last night. Make him focus on your project. Make him only discuss topics that deal with what you are working on. Distract him. Do whatever, just don’t let him wander.”

 

I nodded my head. That might work. But I would definitely have to talk a lot. And if he tried to change the subject I would have to interject him and just get him back to work. It would be hard, but I would definitely have to try. “I guess so. But knowing Daniel, he’ll find a way around it. I’m going to strive to not let that happen, though.”

 

We walked into the lunchroom and headed to our table. Nie and Scar were discussing some new CD that came out by one of Nie’s favorite bands. Ellie was trying to figure out what her mum had packed her for lunch; she couldn’t decide whether it was a cupcake or bologna sandwich. Her mum’s food isn’t very detectable.

 

Lunch went by pretty quick and when we were all walking out of the café, Nie turned to me and said, “Good luck. Whatever happens, we’re here for you.” She smiled and then walked off to her locker. Scar and Ellie did the same and walked off. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth, trying to calm myself with no prevail.

 

I opened the door to my Social Studies class and saw that Daniel, of course, was the only one in there. I breathed in and stepped into the class, closing the door behind me. Mr. Barnes was at his desk staring at his computer. Daniel was in his seat staring out the window as usual. I took my seat and tried to distract myself by reading my book, but it really didn’t work.

 

Then, to my horror, I heard Daniel get up and sit behind me.  He leaned forward, “Hey, Rainey.” I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down so I didn’t spin around and punch him in the face. “What the hell do you want?” I whispered without turning to see him. He chuckled, “Oh, nothing really. Just you.” That time I did turn around though, and I was pissed. “Daniel, I don’t like you. Go away and stop harassing me.”

 

He smiled like I was ignorant or something, “And what if I don’t?” I glared at him, and said, “Then I’m going to-“ “You’re going to what? Face it, Raina. You are so weak without your little backups. Even Lucas is weak, you just don’t want to admit it.” There was no way I was just going to sit that and let this thing talk about my brother like that.

 

Of course I had no choice since we were in school and I couldn’t just stand up and punch Daniel in the gut. He got me there. I looked him straight in the face and said, “Don’t talk about my brother like that.” Daniel should have known that I was very protective of my brother and hated when others talked about him in a negative way. But that was probably why he had said that in the first place.

 

Daniel got up and walked back to his seat. I turned around in my seat and watched as other students piled into the room. Once everyone had taken their seat, Mr. Barnes began class. After about fifteen minutes, he told everyone to get in their groups and finish up on their projects. There were sets or rustling feet and table scraping to get next to each other but I didn’t move.

 

Mr. Barnes walked over to me, “Raina, may I ask why you and your partner have not gotten together to discuss the last bits of your assignment?” I glanced up and him, “We’re done.” Then I looked back down and stared at my desk. I could feel his eyes on my head, but I didn’t look back up. Finally, after several moments, he walked to the back of the room.

 

Even through the entire ruckus, I could hear Daniel’s voice when he answered a question that I hadn’t heard, “No, we did not finish. I don’t know what Raina was talking about.” I shut my eyes. The least he could do is make me not have to work with him, but no he just wanted to torture me.

 

I heard Mr. Barnes’s footsteps as he came back to my seat and said, “Daniel apparently disagrees with you in finishing your project.” I sighed and stood up, nearly knocking my teacher over in the process. “Yeah well that isn’t the only thing he disagrees on.” I said more to my collar than to Mr. Barnes.

 

Grabbing my notebook and pencil, I headed to the back of the room. I looked at Daniel, who wore a winning grin. I glared at him and sat down in the seat next to his. “I hate you.” I uttered to him without looking in the direction of his face. “That’s quite alright. It won’t stay that way for long.” He said so casually as if he had practiced a hundred times.

 

I couldn’t even grasp any words floating about in my mouth. Did he really think that I would fall in love with him once more? That was over and done with a long time ago. I would never repeat what is in the past. I shook my head to try and clear my thoughts so that I didn’t say anything too crazy or out of whack.

 

“Daniel, I’m not sure I know what you are saying.” He chuckled and looked down at his folded hands in his lap. “Ahh, Raina. Man, have I missed you and your cuteness.” I couldn’t help but blush. Whenever I guy called me cute, it took over my blushing control. Daniel looked over at me, “Are-are you blushing?”

 

Crap. He noticed. This is not good. He will take this as a sign of me falling in love with him again when I am not. “No, it is just really hot in here that’s all.” I looked away from his intense stare. He laughed, “Yeah sure. Don’t think that I don’t remember how you look and act when you blush. And I don’t want to forget.”

 

I looked back over at him. His face looked so sad and solemn. “Daniel…you know that this could never work. Even if I did love you, I could never endanger myself like that again.” Daniel nodded his head like he understood, which I doubt he did. “You know what I’m talking about, right?” He nodded again. “Good, because I would be pretty upset if you didn’t.”

 

For the rest of class we actually worked pretty well together. We were one of the first people to finish our projects. Mr. Barnes said that if we finished early we could talk quietly to each other. That was the only thing that I regretted from finishing early. I tried getting up to go back to my seat but Daniel brought up a conversation.

 

“Raina, if I were to tell you that I still loved you, what would you say?” I sat there and actually thought about my answer instead of just answering whatever came to my mind. “Well, I’m not sure what I would say because you haven’t told me that. Besides it doesn’t matter because you don’t love me and if you do then you shouldn’t.”

 

Daniel stared at me and opened his mouth but then stopped. “What?” I asked. Maybe I had said too much. He bit his bottom lip and then softly spoke again, “It’s just that…I do still love you.” I should have seen that one coming after he had asked me the question, but I hadn’t. So when he said that I was in shock and had absolutely no idea what to say.

 

“I’m not really sure if…” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence or what to finish it with. “Daniel, I don’t think I can love you.” He didn’t look disappointed or angered or anything. He looked the same. “You’re okay, right?” He didn’t nod or shake his head. He just sat there. “Yes, I’m all right. I saw this coming anyway. I knew you wouldn’t be able to love me after the past year. And I know that I have said it at least a thousand times, but once more won’t hurt. I really am sorry.”

 

I actually kind of felt bad for Daniel. He had anger management problems. Maybe it wasn’t his fault that he did what he did. I didn’t exactly help with me blaming it on him. That probably just stressed him even more. I let out a sigh, “Daniel…” He put his finger on my lips. “Don’t. You don’t have to lie to me or make up excuses for me. I don’t want to have to make you do that anymore. I just wish I could take it all back.”

 

Daniel was being so mature I couldn’t help but half forgive him. Perhaps after a couple of months I could forgive him a little more and more and then we could maybe be friends again. But for now, apologies were a good start. He removed his finger from my lip and I smiled. “Daniel, what I am about to say is the truth, so don’t think of it as a lie. You are a really great guy. You’re funny, nice, charming, and just an overall fun guy to be with. And I’m sure had things gone differently then…” I couldn’t even complete my sentence.

 

I hadn’t even realized that I had started crying until Daniel lifted one of his hands and brushed a tear away. I lifted one of my hands to my cheek and caught several other teardrops. Daniel’s face softened like butter melting, “Why are you crying?” He looked so worried. I just wanted to fall into his arms and cry until the whole world was drowning in my tears.

 

I shook my head. He placed one of his hands comfortingly, but in a friend-to-friend way, on my shoulder, “You can tell me. It’s all right.” Should I tell him? Should I really tell him that I was actually still in love with him and no matter what I still wanted him and right then and there I needed him to just hold me tight so that I didn’t collapse into a million pieces.

 

“Raina?” I heard him say. My eyes were closed, I realized. “I’m fine. I just…I need to just…” I couldn’t even remember what I needed. Daniel perhaps? Or something else? “What do you need to do?” His voice asked. I opened my eyes to see his face only inches from mine. What was I thinking? I could no longer hide the fact that I was in love with the boy. Had I ever even stopped?

 

“Daniel, please don’t get so close.” I said, although I wish he were closer to me. “Oh, sorry. I forgot that it makes you uncomfortable.” Which it didn’t. He leaned back into his seat and took his hand off my shoulder. I reached my hand up and wiped away the tears that had hardened on my face. Daniel looked over at me, “You sure you’re all right?”

 

I tried to give him a reassuring smile but it didn’t feel right on my lips so it probably didn’t look right to Daniel either. “I think so. At least, I’ll be all right.” Daniel didn’t look convinced. I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t too good at convincing people with my lies. “Are you sure? We can talk about it if you it’ll make you feel better. Or if you don’t want to we don’t have to.”

 

Right then and there I became aware of the fact that this is the Daniel that I had fallen in love with two years ago but then distanced from a year ago. How could everything have changed so suddenly? “Daniel, why are you so different all of the sudden?” I was so curious of his random change that I couldn’t help but ask.

 

Daniel turned his head to look out the window. “Nothing really. While we were going steady, I guess I just saw things differently. I kind of saw things as no matter what I did, you would still stick with me. I guess the glue that stuck us together kind of came undone after what I did to you. It was stupid of me to do such horrid things and every day that I see you cringe away from me I regret every thing that I did that hurt you.”

 

Did I really cringe away from him? I glanced down at my stance and came to realize that I as leaning a little away from him. I leaned forward to prove to him that I wasn’t afraid of him. At times, sure, but right then I wasn’t. “I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t regret what you did, because then I would be lying. But that doesn’t mean that I want you to agonize over it. I still want you to be happy whether its with me or not.”

 

Daniel, still looking out the window, nodded absentmindedly. I sighed and placed my hand on his chin and tugged his head in my direction. His eyes were dejected and gloomy as he faced me. I stared into his eyes for a while until he managed to say something, “Things would be easier if you just left me alone, Raina. If you just got out of my life and never spoke to me, I would be able to bear life just a little better.”

 

The words caught me off guard and I really had no idea what to respond with. “Uhm.” Was all I could manage to spit out before my vocal chords disbanded. Daniel locked his gaze into my eyes and didn’t release me until I got my voice working again. “Daniel, I don’t really know what to say. Does that mean you don’t even want to be friends? You mean to say, that no matter what, this could never work out again?”

 

He sighed and stared into space. “I’m not really sure, Raina. It might could if we worked at it. But it could never work out if you are scared to even sit this close to me. If you are afraid of me, there is nothing I can ever do to change that. I did what I did. I regret every single thing, but I did it and now I can’t change it. And I would give everything I have to just go back in time and stop myself the first time I slapped you.”

 

The tears must have started up again because Daniel’s face immediately changed from distant and pity for himself to worry for me. “Raina, are you sure you are all right?” I nodded, not trusting my voice to speak. Then, I thought differently of my answer and said, “No, I’m not alright. I haven’t been ever since…ever since.”

 

The bell signaling that 6^th period was over ringed loudly, making me jump in my seat. Daniel’s facial expressions hadn’t changed, like there had been no bell at all. Then he asked, “Are you doing anything for the rest of the day?” Dazed and out of it, I shook my head. He smiled and said, “Would you mind spending the rest of the afternoon with me, or is this too forward?”

 

He was being so considerate there was no way I could say no. “Yes, of course. Let’s go.” I tried to hide my eagerness of spending time with him again, but didn’t succeed very well. Good thing Daniel wasn’t being very observant at that moment. I walked to my desk and gathered all my stuff. Daniel strutted up to me, grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door.

 

Our lockers were only three apart, so we both got our books that we would need later that night and put the rest away. I closed my locker and hauled my backpack onto my back. Daniel was already ready and waiting for me by his locker. “All set?” I nodded as he grabbed for my hand again. I wasn’t quite sure what this meant, but for the mean time it was kind of nice.

 

When we got outside I asked him what I was supposed to do with my car, since I couldn’t just leave it at the school. “We’ll come back at around 3:30.” I agreed and we headed toward his car. He even opened the door for me! I really hoped that all this wasn’t an act and he really was trying to change.

 

Our bags were in the back seat and we were on our way to a coffee shop called Mocha. “Raina?” He asked, staring ahead at the road. I followed his lead and didn’t turn to look at him. “Yes?” He took a moment’s hesitation. “Please tell me why you were crying.” I knew he was going to ask eventually. I wouldn’t be able to hide the facts from him forever.

 

I looked out my window and placed my hand under my chin. “It’s stupid really, I’m sure you don’t really want to know.” “That is not true!” Daniel said, seeming to be appalled. I groaned, “Just tell me this, do you really still love me?” He didn’t wait a heartbeat, “Yes. I really do, Rainey.” He was using my nickname again. But this time it didn’t bother me as much. It just brought back many memories.

 

A lump was stuck in my throat but I refused to swallow it and release the tears that were strapped back, ready to spring, in my eyes. Was I just so sick of hiding my feelings for him or was I just so sick of him in general? I couldn’t be sure. I just wanted to let everything go and spill everything out to Daniel but I didn’t know whether I trusted him again enough for that or not. I wanted to be sure of my trust for him before I just let myself release its craziness.

 

Neither of us spoke until we got to Mocha. We ordered our drinks and took a booth at the back of the restaurant. Daniel didn’t pressure me into telling him anything and I respected him for that. Every second he was sweet to me; he was gaining more and more trust back. I knew it was stupid to let him into my life again after what had happened, but doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?

 

“Daniel…” He glanced up at me with expectant eyes though I could tell that he was trying not to show it. “Yes?” I tightened my hold on my drink and stared into the swirl of dark and light caramel colored coffee. “I’m trying so hard to try and trust you again. So far, it is going pretty well, but you really did hurt me. I want you to understand that. And I want you to understand that no matter how much I have forgiven you for, I will always remember those memories.

 

Daniel didn’t say a word; he just looked straight into my eyes and nodded. I breathed out a sigh of relief and sipped at my coffee. “Is there anything I could do to make you trust me more?” He asked after a couple of minutes. Thinking, I took another sip from my drink and set it back down on the table.

 

“I’m not really sure. Just keep doing what you are doing right now. Be there when I need you to be. Regular friend stuff, you know?” I said, trying to sound casual about it, although I was worried I was asking too much from him. He smiled though and said, “I can do that. You make me feel so at ease, Sunny. I don’t know how I could have done such a stupid thing as to make you leave.”

 

I giggled to myself and shook my head. Staring out the window, I couldn’t but look back at all the things that had happened in the past couple of days. I had met a friend and lost a friend all in three days. I couldn’t have said that I missed Blake because I barely knew him. I knew I would be all right, though. Blake wasn’t a huge part of my memory anyway.

 

Daniel moved his arm forward and it caught my attention. He put his hand over my hand that had been lying on the table. It felt warm over my frail fingers. I looked up at him and smiled. He returned it. We spent a couple minutes just sitting there smiling at each other and looking out the window. It didn’t feel awkward or needing of conversation. It was nice and comforting.

 

I thought it was about an hour later when Daniel said, “We should probably go.” I nodded and got up from my seat. My mind was too slow to comprehend what he was doing before was already doing it. He had stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me. His familiar sent wafted into my nose and I closed me eyes, trying to imagine the good times we had had together.

 

I was lost in his arms, just standing there in his warmth. At one moment I think I said something to him but now I can’t even remember what it was or whether he replied or not. All I can remember is that was there and was holding me in his arms. Although we couldn’t stand there forever, I was satisfied even as he pulled away from our hug.

 

His hand found mine as we walked out of Mocha and back to his car. The ride back to school seemed shorter, but he kept my hand intertwined with his while he drove. When we reached the school parking lot and Daniel cut off the engine, we just sat there in his car. I turned toward him and asked him if he wanted to talk about anything.

 

“What ever happened to that Blake guy?” Daniel asked, out of pure curiosity not jealousy. I chuckled and said, “Oh him? Turns out he was only interested in me because of the action that was woven in my atmosphere.” Daniel cracked up and tried to act serious when he spoke, “He is pretty ignorant then, because he is missing out on a terribly amazing girl.”

 

I laughed and tried to look away but found that I couldn’t. Daniel’s gaze locked me in place and I didn’t want to change the direction of my eyes. Before I knew it Daniel and I were both leaning forward. We were getting closer and closer to each other. “Raina, I love you.” He suddenly whispered.

 

And then Daniel reached up his hand and twisted his hand in my hair and pulled me even closer to him. When we were only centimeters from each other’s faces, I closed my eyes and almost automatically felt his cool lips on mine. Almost as if we had been synced together, our lips formed perfectly against one another.

 

It had been so long since I had kissed him and it hadn’t been forced upon me. It felt so nice to have security back in a kiss from him. This kiss didn’t seem pushy or forward at all. It was really delightful and relaxing. It might have been just a little kiss out of the hundreds I had had with him before, but this one felt the most special.

 

Once we pulled away from each other, I could see on Daniel’s face that he felt the same way that I did. We smiled shyly and sat back in our seats. “I’m not sure if I should have done that.” He said. I snorted and rolled my head over to him, “And why is that?” He shrugged, “I didn’t want to force you into doing anything that you didn’t want to do.”

 

I laughed and said, “Who said I didn’t want to do it?” Daniel looked over to me and a huge grin broke out on his face. I was so glad that the mysterious Daniel that had replaced the boy I had loved was gone. Old Daniel was back and everything felt so much back to normal. I felt happier now then in the past year.

 

Daniel’s face told enough that he was just as happy as I was. “I love you too.” I replied to his comment right before we kissed. He smiled, pleased by the statement. I smiled too, glad that he was happy. I couldn’t even believe that this was happening. When I had screamed at Daniel and then ran off from him and Blake at the park, I thought that I was never going to speak to him again. I thought that I was never going to look at his face or deal with him ever again. But just look what happened. Life really was a mystery.

 

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[Lex]

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