Seduction Of Death

Can you sense the attraction?I know you can.

The shadow of twilight has fallen over the azure lake before me. The crystal water reflects the retrieving sight of silver swans flying far above the earth, in the heaven.     

I dive into the shivering wave of water with my hands resting over my head, mimicking the smooth movement of a ballerina. The sound of splashing water defeats the sweet tunes of orchestra when some aquatic drops damp the green mint plants growing along the side of the lake. My figure floats on the water for few moments just before I drown my full body deep down the moisture. My eyes are now closed, only the feeling of cold water touches my skin. I sense something before me, even in water he won't leave me alone. 

I open my eyes, my eyelashes heavy with water drops. The sight before me amuses my curious self. Is it a human body or a hallucination visualized by my grieving mind? I expand my hands to reach for his hands, but I fail. A failed attempt for a human being to reach an inhuman being.

The inhuman being smirks when blood flows from his lips and mixes with water. The blue bloods and scarlet water create an amazing purple reminding me of the twilight sky which I left above the tidal grave. The blue lotus adorning my hair whispers, "Welcome to heaven".

Now, I am in my heaven where I can feel the water entering into my mouth and nose paving way through my lungs, where I can choke out gasping for breath as if I am drowning deep down the sea, where I open my eyes wishing to see the colors of my happiness but fate mocks me with the darkness of agony.

Don't come to my heaven. Please.

Author's Note

Contest-Move My Emotion
Prince/princess writer.

Contest-Give me a story
great description.

Reviews

[Darcy Yellichzang]

I like it, I like it! you're writing is a little dark, but deep. It makes it interesting to read your work! (the only thing are the missing gaps between a . and the first letter of the following sentence, but that's okay)

[Rafy T.Nym]

Thanks a lot for the help, I'll fix that. :-)

[Anne]

I enjoyed reading how realistic it was. Making the reader feel like they are actually in the story makes it seem more intense.

[Rafy T.Nym]

Thanks a lot for your kind review. :-)

[Tobias H. Reese]

I read "meeks" review - especially the ballerina opinion- and just thought that I would remind you to take ALL criticisms lightly unless they come from an unquestionable source by a seasoned, authoritative and qualified reviewer. No disrespect to anyone, but this particular case reveals how so much of writing is completely subjective. I am glad "Meeks" had the foresight and decency to offer the disclaimer.
Peace.

[Rafy T.Nym]

Thanks for your suggestion,I will keep it in my mind.

Actually,I'm a polite learner,so every review and suggestion is important to me.But,I try my best to write independently and avoid any conflict.

Peace,freedom,friendship is needed everywhere.

[Meeks]

(Disclaimer) I give critique. If this offends you in any way, PM me and I'll take it down. These are just suggestions, don't feel obliged to implement any of them.

" lake before me.The crystal water of the lake" - First off, space after the period. Second, you use lake twice right next to each other, and for some reason that really bothers me. Synonyms, if you can find them.

Okaaay. After every period and comma you should have a space. And that's not just grammatical, it helps the reader take breaths between sentences so they don't run out of breath while reading increadibly long paragraphs that don't have spaces after dots and don't allow you to breath because of that. *deep breath*

"smooth movement of a ballerina" - while the simile (or metaphor?) is intriguing, it's about a ballerina. As a teenage boy I find ballerinas humourous, and that kind of ruins the effect for me. Try finding another comparison if you can.

You overuse the word 'water', especially in the second paragraph. Try finding a synonym, like simply 'lake', and switching between these two. Or three, if you find another one.

"in water HE won't leave me alone." - I usually don't capitalize words, but italicize them. Still visible, seems less like you're shouting.
It's actually a matter of personal preference, but I'll try to impose my style on you for as long as possible. :)


Overall, great write. I like the last line the best. - "Don't come to my heaven". Thanks for posting, and keep up the writing. It can only get better

[Armanis]

This is a very thoughtful evoking piece. There is a lot of imagery in here, lots of emotions tied to said imagery. It is masterful but I can't necessarily call this a story. This fits better in the prose poetry section instead of the story section. It is very entertaining to read, though spooky, epic, quiet, yet anxious, peaceful...all together a well done piece. Kudos.
Though if you want to make it a story, you can leave it as is, just add more to it. Like a beginning, how he got here. So one and so forth. By itself it doesn't stand as a story. It stands as a poem, and if you wanted to make it more...poetic, you could reformat it to fit that way.

[Rafy T.Nym]

Thanks a lot for your detailed review.I guess I need to change my short story writing style a bit.

[Armanis]

No problemo

[PenguinEmpiress]

This is very well written, the way it's described and spoken seems almost magical but at the same time frightening. you have done a really well done job excusing the simple grammar errors :) but practice makes perfect, youve done well!

[Rafy T.Nym]

Thanks a lot for your appreciation.I have a huge cheshire cat smile painted on my face which is just unimaginable. :-D