Preschool universe.(Family Times)

The 3-year-olds in Carolyn Burke's class at Westminster Weekday Preschool in Alexandria are eagerly preparing to go outside on a chilly winter day that is bright with sunshine.

The children retrieve their coats from a row of hooks where their names are neatly labeled. Gloves and hats fill their shoebox-sized "cubbies." A few struggle with zippers but most wriggle successfully into their winter gear, proudly clamping on hats and pulling hands into gloves. They form a neat line at the door.

One boy tightly clutches his toy dog, as he giggles with a girl in front of him. When his teacher suggests he put the dog in his cubby for safekeeping, the child smiles and says, "Don't worry, he won't get dirty. I'll carry him."

One minute a baby, the next a grown-up. The scene is repeated day after day in preschools of all sizes, age mixes and philosophies. Some of the small dramas that play out echo the same travails that plague adults: The child who sulks in a silent rage because a best friend is chumming with another pal, or those blue Mondays when it would be so much nicer to watch cartoons than go to school.

But the bright moments outweigh the tears in preschools that offer the right mix of nurturing and learning and whose teachers are compatible with their young charges. Finding that formula, however, relies as much on serendipity as it does on hard-core research.

CHOOSING A SCHOOL

"What I loved the most at Westminster was the combination of the warm and fuzzies and the air of professionalism," says Diane Perry, whose daughter, Sarah, 5, attends Westminster. "Of all the schools I looked at, this one just hit me."

Mrs. Perry did an exhaustive search for the right Concord MA Preschool for her first daughter, Kathryn, who is now in kindergarten in a public elementary school in Arlington. She and a tightknit group of former career women who decided to stay home with their children met for coffee every week and traded stories about the preschools they visited.

Once called "nursery" school, the term "preschool" took over in the 1970s and early 1980s as the programs became more focused on academics.

"Nursery school tended to be more of a social learning experience where the mom was at home and the child got a chance to play with his peers," says Barbara Willer, deputy executive director of the National Association for the Education of Young Children. "It tended to be pretty low-key."

Socialization is still a major goal for most preschools. Children are taught to adapt to a setting outside the home where there are rules to be followed, an order to be maintained, and respect for property and other people to be developed, Ms. Willer says.

But there are a growing number of academic and theory-based preschools that are more sophisticated than the simple nursery school settings. Montessori schools, among the most popular of the theory-based programs, teach children self-reliance and early reading and math skills.

Other options include church-based programs, language-based programs, preschools affiliated with private schools and preschools that are included as part of a child care center. There also is the granddaddy of public preschool programs, Head Start - aimed at low-income families - as well as a smattering of public preschool programs for 4-year-olds that get funding from federal and state government.

"We put together a universe of possibilities, and I think we visited 10 schools," Mrs. Perry says. "At one point, I think I said, `Wait a minute, this is preschool, not MIT.' "

One of the women in the group recommended Westminster, and the friends trooped over for a visit. Mrs. Perry fell in love on the spot and patiently waited two years before there was an opening for Kathryn.

Many parents rely on the recommendations of friends and neighbors when choosing a preschool. Cammiel Hussey, an Arlington mother of a 6-year-old boy, chose a program three blocks from her home that many of her close neighbors with young children had recommended.

Christopher started attending the Christian-based program at Westover Baptist Church in Arlington when he was 3.

"Christopher loved it. It was more of a fun-based program," Mrs. Hussey says. "The most important thing for us was the socialization." As a stay-at-home mom with an only child, Mrs. Hussey was eager for Christopher to make some new friends.

WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME?

Possibly as agonizing as deciding where to go to preschool is the question of when.

Educators say 3 is the average age children are ready, although some schools insist that children be toilet trained, a factor that can delay entry for some.

Statistics show that nearly 40 percent of all 3-year-olds in 1997 attended a public or private preschool, up from only 5 percent in 1976, according to the Education Department. That growth parallels the surge of women entering the work force, which created a demand for child care and preschool alternatives.

Montessori schools, which have classes consisting of students of many ages, encourage parents to begin bringing children around age 2 1/2. Most experienced preschool directors can quickly assess when a child is ready, although there may be fits and starts in a young child's comfort with the routine of preschool.

Every new parent's worst dilemma is what to do when a child screams at the prospect of going to school and leaving Mom and Dad.

Typically, the first days of school are the roughest. Many cases of delayed reactions, however, occur when the newness wears off and the child suddenly realizes "this is not going away," says Nedra Trahant, Westminster's director.

"Our policy is to encourage the parents to tell the child goodbye. Then we hold the child and hopefully get him or her involved in an activity," she says. After the child settles down, she always calls the parent to give a status report. Some children are not really unhappy, she says, but rather enjoy the attention they get when pitching a fit as the parent is leaving.

"As soon as the parent is gone, the tears dry and the child has a great time," she says.

How to spot a really distressed child from one that is only momentarily disturbed at the separation?

"I watch their eyes," Mrs. Trahant says.

"When I am holding a child and he is crying, but every few minutes he is looking around to check out the classroom, I am reasonably confident that child will make it," she says, adding with a smile: "Most everybody makes it."

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MORE INFO:

BOOKS -

* "Yardsticks: Children in the Classroom Ages 4-14: A Resource for Parents and Teachers" by Chip Ward, Northeast Foundation for Children, 1997. Explains how children learn and examines different approaches to curriculum.

* "The ABC's of School Success: Nurturing Young Minds: A Guide for Parents & Educators" by Elaine K. McEwan, Harold Shaw Publishers, 1995. Gives exercises to help parents and teachers prepare children for school.

* "Choosing Schools and Child Care Options: Answering Parents' Questions" by Nancy H. Phillips, Charles C. Thomas Publishers, 1994.

* "Basic Montessori: Learning Activities for Under Fives" by David Gettman, St. Martin's Press, 1988. Explains the methods of Maria Montessori and provides a step-by-step guide to common activities used in teaching children up to age 5.

* "Bringing Reggio Emilia Home: An Innovative Approach to Early Childhood Education" by Louise Boyd Caldwell, 1997. One of the first books to outline the post-World War II French teaching method and its application over a four-year period in an American school.

* "The Hundred Languages of Children: The Reggio Emilia Approach to Early Childhood Education" by Carolyn P. Edwards and Lella Gandini, Ablex Publishing, 1993.

* "Doris Herman's Preschool Primer for Parents: A Question-and-Answer Guide to Your Child's First School Experience" by Doris Herman, J.P. Tarcher, 1998. Parents roundly praise this guide to common issues - such as biting or refusing to go to school - that come up when a child first enters preschool.

ON LINE -

* A good Web site for parents of children attending Montessori schools is "Montessori for Moms"

* Chat rooms and message boards are full of talk and advice about preschools at the Web site for Family Education Network 

ASSOCIATIONS -

* The Montessori Foundation is a nonprofit group dedicated to advancing Montessori education in the United States. It maintains a database of more than 5,000 Montessori schools throughout the country. Contact the organization at 17808 October Court, Rockville, Md. 20855. Phone: [phone].

* American Montessori Society offers a certification program for Montessori schools and a listing of schools nationwide that meet the standards. Contact the organization at 281 S. Park Ave., Sixth Floor, New York, N.Y. 10010. Phone: [phone]. Web site: www.amshq.org

* ERIC Clearinghouse on Elementary and Early Childhood Education maintains a phone line to answer questions on parenting and give advice on early education issues. Contact the organization at the Children's Resource Center, 51 Gerty Drive, Champaign, Ill. 61820-7469. Phone: [phone].

* National Association for the Education of Young Children offers an accreditation program for preschools and guidelines to help parents choose a high-quality educational program. Contact the organization at 1509 16th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20036. Phone: [phone]. Web site: