Journal entry: Jealousy

I wonder why it is that we humans get jealous over one another. I have thought very deeply about this, because jealousy is something I frequently deal with in my own mind. I have never been that crazy girlfriend, who restricts what their man should do, but I often wonder about what he is typing, and to who. I realize it is his life, he should talk to whom he so pleases, but something in my nature wants to let my mind be consumed by jealous thoughts and impulses. I never seem to give in anymore, I never go through his phone, and I guess when it comes to the possibility of him being 100% with me, I guess I will only have that hope. I do not trust people, it is almost an instinct, to assume they are going to do wrong. I have seen so much evil in relationships, around me and my own. I fear deeply to be hurt again, and I feel I couldn't take it even though I know that I would get through anything. I just don't see how I would ever start again. I have never felt this way for someone. I have never been so attached, so connected, so just completely quite in tune. 

So lately, I ponder if it is even jealousy, but a territorial sort of trait. By that means, it could just be possessive, it just feels fucked up all the same, that I feel this way. Maybe it is because I want a sense of control, or that my mind wanders and feels the need to know all truths. Maybe it is because I have never had a relationship where it made me feel like I was safe. I feel like I have been betrayed by nearly everyone, even from when I was very young. I was hurt in ways by people who were supposed to not only love me but take care of me that it is hard to not assume that anyone can and will hurt me. I don't see how that really relates to jealousy, because if he were to talk to someone else, or find love in someone else, there is no way I could stop it, maybe it is because I don't trust people not to lie. I don't trust them to not be selfish, because I have seen that side in so many. 

I am just left with this feeling of discontentment, not even in my current relationship, but with the world and with myself that I have been brought to feel this way and yet I would still give my all to anyone. It just scares me, I feel like anyone can so easily take advantage because my heart is kind and very forgiving. 

I guess that is their karma, I often tell myself. 

I shouldn't be so concerned over other people's actions when I can only control my own.  

I always feel a bit better, after I tell myself to calm down, and that my karma is mine, their karma is theirs. If they commit evils they will lead themselves to their own demise, and I shouldn't let that ruin or really affect my livelihood.