The Invisible Daughter

Sometimes I wonder if anyone would notice if I was gone. Being the second born in my family with an attention hungry, rebellious older sister means you are completely ignored if not forgotten. It is ironic to think that in a house with only two children one can be ignored, usually that occurs when there is three or more. My parents divorced when I was two and a half years old and I have no memory of the family as a whole. My sister Chelsea was eight. She could never understand why we had Thanksgiving together and the next morning our father had moved out. Everything changed after that day. 

Chelsea never actually acted her age. She was always so sophisticated, so perfect. She never got in trouble, never failed any tests or classes. Everyone wanted to be her friend. Mom was so proud of her. I always felt so... invisible. It always seemed like it was about her. No matter what I did, I could never be better than her. I would try so hard to get my mother's attention but she didn't seem to care. 

I don't know what happened. Upon entering her freshman year at Windsor Locks High School in Windsor Locks, Connecticut, everything went spiraling downward. She began cutting school, failing classes, doing drugs and getting thrown off the girls' soccer team for failing math. I felt like this was my time to shine. I would show everyone that I was not a screw up like her. I would show my parents that I was the better child. Of course, this was not the case. 

My mother felt that taking Chelsea out of Windsor Locks and moving to Rego Park, New York would be a better life for us. She hoped it would decrease Chelsea's defiant behavior. Little did she know that it would only make it worse. Chelsea became angry because she got taken away from her friends and so she decided to step up her game.

Over the course of the next four years due to my sister's erratic behavior she received all of my parent's attention. I still felt that if I excelled in school and got straight A's that maybe my parents would notice me but there was no budge. Even if we were talking over dinner, somehow my sister would take over the conversation making it all about her. I eventually gave up trying to receive any attention because I knew it really wouldn't get me far, and if I did manage to get the attention I truly desired I knew Chelsea would come in and take over. 

At the same time that Chelsea was acting out, our mother at the age of forty-eight began going through menopause. This made life in our household even harder. As a result I felt it was safer to just isolate myself in my room away from all the yelling. My mother's house was not the only house I was ignored in. The same behavior occurred when we would visit our father back in Connecticut only this time we had to fight for attention with the step children. 

Because I didn't get any attention and could never get a word in with either of my parents, I began keeping journals and reading all the time. This was my world. I could get lost in the story, forgetting about what was happening around me and leave reality if only for a short time. I developed a passion towards literature and eventually major in English Literature. 

After college, I lost contact with my family. The thought of Chelsea made me angry. Everything was always about her and I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go far away to a place where Chelsea couldn't take the spot light. I got a chance to travel the world. I was so happy. 

After so many years I received a letter from Chelsea's daughter, Ava. Apparently Chelsea had passed away. She wanted to speak to me before going to the other side but her wish wasn't granted. I went to her funeral. I felt so invisible there, I didn't know anyone. There were strangers. Once again Chelsea managed to make me invisible. Her daughter gave me a letter that Chelsea had written before she passed. 

In the letter she said that she was sad. She hadn't meant to drive me away. The only thing she wanted was for us to be friends but i never let her in my life. I was always isolated, always in my own world. The only person she wanted to pay attention to her was me. She wished that I had spoken to her. She wanted to talk to me, tell her her feelings, the news on the boys she liked. Even though everyone claimed to care about her, no one bothered to ask her how she felt. While mom and dad expected her to be the perfect child, everyone else wanted her to be wild. She never got a chance to be herself, everyone was always expecting her to be a certain way. She felt so alone, isolated... invisible. I don't resent Chelsea. She never asked to get all the attention. Maybe, I should have paid more attention to her. Maybe I should have listened to her. 

It is now that I wonder. 

Who was the invisible child.