The Night I Became A Zombie

its a prologue to my book im writing

     I was in bed and trying to go to sleep and my mom came in. Suddenly she heard a screech as the door shut. The door never did that before. "UH OH!" I thought, "This could be bad". That wasn't mommy that came in my room. It was this big ugly green scaly rotten disgusting creature that reeked of burnt flesh and blood. It had one big black eye, huge teeth like razors, and large claws with the flesh and blood I had been smelling on them. "Time to go to bed sweetheart" this beautiful voice said. "Thank God" i thought, it was just a dream... again but i didn't dare tell my mother. She'd just tell me to stop reading those Stephen King novels. I said "Good night mom" and next thing i knew it was morning.

     I didn't have too many nightmares last night, thankfully. For once. I got up, got dressed, and was on my way down the hall when i heard this gruesome voice that sounded like it was from that creature I saw last night in my dream. "I'll be waiting for you Jane... I'll be right here till you get home then i will...". I screamed and ran downstairs. Then I heard laughing. It was my older brother standing at the top of the steps laughing. He said "Don't be such a baby Jane... GROW UP!" "JOHN!" I screamed, " Don't you dare scare me like that ever again! You know how I get when I'm scared!" I ran to the kitchen, grabbed some Poptarts, then out the door I went to the bus. School... well it's school. I get by. I'm a sensitive person so people make fun of me, but I always seem to make it through the day before i break. On my way home I hear a rustle in the bushes, and it's right in front of my house. It might be John but I doubt it this time.  I hear a growl and see that same ugly face and body I saw last night. This thing had a gun and I could tell it was loaded. I watch as he shoots the ground, then starts to chase me. I run towards the house and I trip over the wires for the sprinkler. The thing points the gun to my face and says "so we can do this the easy way or the hard way... either i kill you now or your puny little human self will try to get away... TRY to get away, but i won't let you succeed." Suddenly i had an epiphany... I HAD SOME PEPPER SPRAY AND A KNIFE IN MY POCKET! I spray the pepper spray and it proceeds to drop its gun and cover its one eye. I take my knife and chop off the scaly foot then gouge out one of his eyes. He writhes in pain long enough to allow me to go into the house. I lock the door, close the blinds and peek out the peep hole. The body that had been laying on the floor was no longer there..."OH CRAP" I exclaimed "He's going to be back for me tonight, I JUST KNOW IT!"

     "Mom? Can I sleep with you tonight?" I ask. She says "NO! Sleep by yourself! I think to myself, "I guess I'll just die tonight! Maybe then they'll feel bad about not letting me in." "Wait! Not if I keep my knife with me!" I thought, excited. "Maybe I won't die tonight after all!"

     As I was almost asleep in my bed, I heard that same gruesome voice that I had heard that afternoon. This time it was calling my name. Was I dreaming? No... not this time. The thing grabbed his eye and shoved it back in the socket. I started to scream with the hopes that someone would hear me but he reaches up, sticks his hand down my throat and when he pulls his hand back up I see my vocal cords in his hands. I try to scream again. This time it was in vain. All that happenned is the ting laughed and i spit up a lot of blood. He slits my throat with my own knife and bites off my hand.

          That's the story of how I became a Zombie

Author's Note

tell me what'cha think

Reviews

[~A.J.P.~]

I noticed a slight inconsistency. You described the monster as having one eye, but later said "gouge out one of his eyes"
An interesting read, though it tends to ramble a bit in places. It might be nice to include more back story at some point. I'd say it has potential.

[Ashley Black]

that's really good.
i'm working on the same thing i noticed in your story that the dialogue needs to be more realistic and not to cheesy like it's good it's just that who really in a situation like that would say

"Wait! Not if I keep my knife with me!" I thought, excited. "Maybe I won't die tonight after all!"

like its not usually so clean cut ya know?
i don't mean to sound rude

[HorrorMaster]

Very funny, but I love it. :)

[Levioshock]

It was funny, very funny. I thoroughly enjoyed it

[jex]

I think it's good, but maybe going through and rewriting it.

The idea, plot, and characters are solid, they just need to be developed more. Lengthen the story.

It's good :D

[Political Punk ~~ CBD]

aside from a few things its a okay, i wouldn't minde a little more discription in the characters, or in the scenes.

[Jessica]

I think you could use some revisions. I believe you have a truely good story here, but you need to give a little bit more background on Jane before you leap into the zombie aspect, or a bit more in the middle. You have to give me more information so I can bond with the character in my head, like what does she look like? She seems fragile to me, dainty and slightly mousey to the other kids at schol. Short and skinny with big, little girl eyes. Give me information and detail like that.
Next, you don't have to jump STRAIGHT into action. Slow it down a bit and play with it as you write. Change course if you don't feel it's working. It's yours, you make the choices.
Details, details, details. Give me some adjectives to picture the scenes in my head. You described the zombie excellently! Take some of that and put it into Jane's surroundings.
And, when you have dialogue, start a new paragraph with each new set of dialogue. So, instead of this:
"Mom? Can I sleep with you tonight?" I ask. She says "NO! Sleep by yourself! I think to myself, "I guess I'll just die tonight! Maybe then they'll feel bad about not letting me in." "Wait! Not if I keep my knife with me!" I thought, excited. "Maybe I won't die tonight after all!"
You will have this:
“Mom, can I sleep with you tonight?” I ask.
“NO! Sleep by yourself!” she says.
I guess I’ll just die tonight! Maybe then they’ll feel bad about not letting me in. Wait, not if I keep my knife with me! I thought, excited. Maybe I wont die tonight after all!
I really like where you’re going with this, and I hope to see more! But take my comment constructively, I mean no harm or hate by it (most people think I do, but I really don’t) and I’ll keep tabs on this.
Keep it up, and have fun with it! Writing is one of the best art forms out there and it is to be enjoyed on both sides. :)

[cest la vie]

I think this could be the beginning of a nice, horrifying tale..
Just a few typos, but nothing to detract from the plot..
Yes, you are a storyteller.. very good.. so where is the rest..LOL
thanks for the read..

[TransparentHearts]

Where to start...where to start. Well the beginning I kinda found humorous....
Gruesome at the ending with the whole vocal cord thing. Most definitely. Can't wait to see what happens to Jane here.