Bleak Desire

written for the poetry and lyrical challenge group

You hurt me
I hurt you,
That was something
I had to do

My bleak burning desire
to kill you,
is eventually something I'm
going to succumb to.

You tortured me
you teased me,
you used me
and abused me.

You set me up
to fail this time,
but let me tell you
vengence is mine.

I feel this need
to end your life,
because you almost
ended mine

You ripped out my heart,
stomped on my soul,
"Thing's will get better"!,
were the lies i was told

Low and behold
it got worse,
luckily i wasn't the one
in that hearse.

It was you
i wish you well,
may you burn and rot
in HELL!

YOUR POSSE WILL BE NEXT!

Author's Note

enjoy

Reviews

[St.Jimmy]

the poem is really really outstanding
but I feel that the poem shows more cursing and less the emotions of a heart break
the words like "kill" and curses like" may you burn and rot in hell" makes the poem scary and raging.......... huh?
It's good to curse someone in the poem to a little extent but not to such limits that the terror take over the emotions in the poem
Anyways the poem is really well written.... and pls don't mind the above criticism
thank you
keep writing!
~Aaradhya

[zack]

wow this one blows the reader away

[<3beneathstars;]

While TheScreamingSadist had some rude things to say about this, some things said were a bit true. it is a tad bland, but nothing you can't fix! i think that the rythming of every other line is a bit redundant, and if you wanted to make a stronger statement, try stringing longer sentences together. so instead of some first lines being choppy, they'd be a lot more of a mouthful. I did, however, enjoy the fact that this poem was very fast paced. I was able to feel the anger. Great job with that. Keep writing! you're on your way!:)

[Coyote Poetry]

Wow. Anger, revenge and more possibility of killing. Are you writing a screen play? A fast pace poem that told a story of anger and being pissed off. A excellent poem.
Coyote

[what-the-frick]

how amazing is this .... omg.

[TheScreamingSadist]

Sorry to break your string of super positive comments.
Just gotta say this.

This poem was bland to me. While you used very hostile language, there was nothing behind such words to really back them up. In poems like this, it is crucial to support heavy words with things like metaphors and imagery. Otherwise, people will only see the anger and not what is behind it or the full force of it.

Besides that, your line breaks are a tad awkward. I think that you should probably ditch the rhyme and just try to focus all of the energy in this poem to show your meaning. It really would be so much stronger if you did.

One more thing: The last line is not necessary. It takes away from the force, in my opinion.

[maryjaneuy]

Very strong words were used here. I'm slightly scared with the words, "It was you
i wish you well,may you burn and rotin HELL!"
still, nice job! :D

[MissWordSmith]

one suggestion...

In the first stanza don't switch from past to present continuous tense...

You hurt me
I hurt you,
this is something
I have to do.


could be...

You hurt me,
I hurt you,
That was something
I had to do

[MissWordSmith]

effing hell! i felt like i was being screamed at through the screen! god! the anger was so strong. to be completely blinded by anger... how you didn't even mention anything about regret...this is a Very Unique Poem! Lol...

don't get me wrong... I LIKED IT!
it was fast paced, full of energy and surprising

[Abhinav]

thriller!
great one....witty and vary vary enjoyable to read..
this is soo cool