Bleak Desire

written for the poetry and lyrical challenge group

You hurt me
I hurt you,
That was something
I had to do

My bleak burning desire
to kill you,
is eventually something I'm
going to succumb to.

You tortured me
you teased me,
you used me
and abused me.

You set me up
to fail this time,
but let me tell you
vengence is mine.

I feel this need
to end your life,
because you almost
ended mine

You ripped out my heart,
stomped on my soul,
"Thing's will get better"!,
were the lies i was told

Low and behold
it got worse,
luckily i wasn't the one
in that hearse.

It was you
i wish you well,
may you burn and rot
in HELL!

YOUR POSSE WILL BE NEXT!

Author's Note

enjoy

Reviews

[St.Jimmy]

the poem is really really outstanding
but I feel that the poem shows more cursing and less the emotions of a heart break
the words like "kill" and curses like" may you burn and rot in hell" makes the poem scary and raging.......... huh?
It's good to curse someone in the poem to a little extent but not to such limits that the terror take over the emotions in the poem
Anyways the poem is really well written.... and pls don't mind the above criticism
thank you
keep writing!
~Aaradhya

[Sunflower/Sara Kendrick]

Great write for all those that need to get even, get revenge, or just hurt someone who has done them wrong...That is to let those feelings escape or to know someone else feels that way...I hope this was not an abusive situation...Keep the creative pen flowing..Sunflower

[Naomi Montana Walsh]

ahhhhh,,,can't say I have never felt this way..interesting how someone can drudge up the worst in us..and basically .. all we want is to never see them again..anyhow..writing is a good way to vent..

[Deepshikha]

Well, you certainly know how to express anger. Very commendable. The flow was nice, but it did get choppy at times, taking away from the overall mood. My "professional" opinion was that the last line really didn't fit in with the rest of the poem, as you did only talk about one person in the poem.
However, the feeling of empowerment as well as fury I could feel, and the most important thing is to express yourself.

[Lexi Nicole]

Powerful, to the point. Kind of edgy and pushed on my a lot of anger. It could be cleaned up a little, but I like it. It's not exactly raw, but it's definitely something close Nice work!

[deeps]

Wow! This is so amaingly wonderful.
I like this it's such strong bitterness.
Good telling off material. Very well written.

[Soul Magic✯]

"It was you
i wish you well,
may you burn and rot
in HELL!

YOUR POSSE WILL BE NEXT!" wow you definitely bring the heat in this piece. very wicked flow. i enjoyed the ink

[angel gone bad]

that was good i liike the idea of that. you should do 1 more like it but change it a bit do some more about abuse becuase that is a quit good thing to do

[Nyida Strong]

Pissed off much? This was a powerful piece, I enjoyed reading it. Vengence and anger can be hard to write because they come off as whiny sometimes. Not in this case. Very well written, keep it up!

N. Strong

Very powerful, love the last line :)

[victoria]

wow this was one was kinda scary! lol. there are just a few things i want to point out,

first ~

"My bleak burning desire
to kill you,
is eventually something I'm
going to succumb to."

"You ripped out my heart,
stomped on my soul,
"Thing's will get better"!,
were the lies i was told"

those 2 stanznas didnt really match the pattern of the others, maybe try and make them shorter?

second~

in the last stanza, instread of writing
"you may burn and rot
in HELL!"

why dont you make it
"you may burn,
and rot on HELL!"

i just think that flows better :)

other than that there are a few rhyming things you might want to revise, but noting you drastically need to change. i dont think this piece was very bland at all, and i enjoyed reading it. great job :)