Suicidal Existence

A poem I wrote, when embarking in a writing workshop online to "show not tell". They gave me the sentence "I am nervous..." to work with, and I was inspired to write about how an anxiety attack feels.

The glass of lemonade was freshly squeezed with 3 ice cubes, reflecting the glistening sun mirroring this beautiful summer afternoon. All worries are set aside in this fantasy, being the closest thing to paradise one may ever find. 

A heat wave of mental paralysis sets off the first gun shot. The normal flow of neurons from the brain to the limbic system have shut down. The pace of heartbeats per second is increasing with each breathe I take. The chances of a heart attack erupting, is now falling closer and closer to a dangerous point. The demons within have killed the last standing guard and dictatorship is being announced. I’m enslaved in my own body. The uncontrollable spasms and profusely sweating can only protect so much. I am a broken record player singing, “I am my own worse enemy.” Once again I hear the piercing tune of, “I am my own worse enemy.” I seek for the reassurance that this is only a nightmare that has not transpired to reality yet. 

The land of darkness has appeared; the flowers have wilted, the sky has blackened, and the world has been flipped up side down. Echoing in the aura chants, “I am my own worst enemy.” The survival of the world has been put on my vary own shoulders that carry a backpack of hope. The mountain is so steep, I begin to fall into a trip. The hope becomes hopelessness, and the failure we fear has awakened. I have failed the people I cherish the most. I have jeopardized the innocent souls who have given their lives for my existence. Every bit of their happiness will soon be stripped away. These people depended on me, and once again I was conquered. I was an embarrassment to my family, to society, and to any human to ever walk on the soil of this universe. My life begins to flash before my very own eyes. “I am my own worst enemy.” My body is weak from fighting off the hallucinations I continue to envision. I am the voice behind the critics I despise. I am the first person to insult any creation I originate. The harmony of the words, “I am my own worse enemy.” are the ones I hate to hear, but need to hear. Each vibration is amplifying the next. The paranoia being held captive, will not stop shaking the jail cell, while screeching out for help. 

I linger off the edge of the mountain, with one hand holding on for dear life. The journey towards hell awaits, nearly 10,000 feet below me. The hand of a guardian angel reaches for mine. I want to fall. I can not be saved. I need this all to be over. The angel doesn’t have the strength to pull me up, but isn’t weak enough to let go. A sudden rush rebirths within, releasing a sense of willpower throughout. It was empowering; granting me the ability to open my eyes, and see vibrant colors. I was human again. The thunderstorm somehow passed by, and nothing but a rainbow was left behind. The satisfaction of the ice cold lemonade trickling down my throat, was orgasmic. A sigh of relief, is let out. I could feel my toes wiggle again. The war may never be over, but for now the men have agreed to a ceased fire. 

Author's Note

Please just tell me how this writing made you feel. Did it reflect the terror of an anxiety attack, or being suicidal? Were you changed by it, in any way? And also please let me know what I could do to improve it. Thank you! :)

Reviews

[Joe W]

I absolutely loved this. It really get's down to the deep part of the soul when it comes to suicidal idealizations. I know that I myself struggled with depression for a while and still do every now and then. I've written a few Spoken Words on the subject but I love the way that this is written overall. Very captivating. Great work!

[Rachel]

Thank you so much Joe! Suicidal thoughts are extremely scary, and no one should ever have to go through something so difficult alone. I turn to writing when I feel depressed or anxious, and it helps me cope with the pain. I appreciate your review, and would love to read your writings on this subject!

[Joe W]

Well thank you. Just check out my page and look at all I got there. I hope you enjoy it and please give me feedback on it.

Semper Fi,
Joe

[Joe W]

The ones titled The Encounter and A Tribute To Suicide both touch on that subject.

[Inject Positivity]

i can fully relate to it...it speaks of both an anxiety attack and having suicidal thoughts... there is a nice balancing vision and shows the writer has a profound knowledge of how anxiety feels... i loved how it is totally relatable to our own life... excellent effort and the presentation was magnificent... when i was in high school i suffered from anxiety, it was truly a nightmare for a year and a half... very well done Rachel.... full ratings...

[Rachel]

Thank you once again for your words of kindness. Anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts are one of the most dreadful things a human may be given to cope with. However, writing has always helped me find a safe place away from this dark world, where I can feel safe enough to express my true feelings and emotions. I can make my thoughts come alive, and that is a magnificent thing to do. We all need to find an escape sometimes, and I am happy I have this site to share my adventures and experiences with, for good and for bad!

[Inject Positivity]

i have joined this place for the same reason, to find myself in this world, it is hard to go through after enduring such heartbreak but writing helped me to move on with life, the depressing and suicidal thoughts decreased as i more focused on writing... another thing that helped me to cope with it is helping others, i think it is one of the best way to cope with depression....thank you very much for your thought provoking write....