The Secret Sun.

My Father’s voice was booming like a fog horn down the hall, he was yelling at me as usual. I never seemed to do anything to meet his ridiculous standards. When I switched laundry I never folded the clothes properly, if I cooked dinner it was never done right. There was nothing I could possibly do to make him happy. The earth shook as he walked into the kitchen so he could make his point by intimating me. Watery eyed and frustrated I tried to look at anything but his flaming red face. I looked at the walls, an off white eggshell color, textured, but little pieces were chipped off by my brother and me, when we were too young to be yelled at, or at least too young to understand.  The T.V standing alone and forgotten, like the way I wished my father would forget about me sometimes.

“Are you even f*****g listening Alexis?”

I became aware of the vacant expression that lingered on my face, I already knew what he was going to say before he even let the words pass through his lips.

“You must be Deranged or something; there’s something wrong with you.” His eyebrows seemed to be glued into a furious expression. “Do you not realize you cannot get C’s Alexis?”

I tasted the salty tears as the flooded over my cheeks. My father loved the ocean, maybe that’s why he liked to see me cry.  Bowing my head in shame I managed to stammer, “I’m sorry, Dad.”  It only fueled the rage.

“SORRY? Sorry for what Alex? For being stupid, is that what you are? Are you just stupid? You must be, that’s the only excuse I will accept, that you are too stupid for basic algebra. Is that it?”

 I could taste the disappointment as every word flowed from his mouth; I felt the crash of blade against the armor I’d built over the years, smashing dent after dent into the already tarnished surface. “I’m not stupid, I just don’t like math. Plus, a C in Algebra is not that bad, lots of kids failed.”

“You think I give a F**K about what other kids grades are Alex?!”

He tacked my name onto almost every sentence, like a disgusting side note, on an already below average paper, it made me despise the way it sounded, the way it rolled off the tongue.

“No, but I just thought….”

“Thought what? That I would care to hear about other failures? They are probably your friends, seeing as you have so much in common. You have to go to college Alex, You think a stupid person who gets C’s goes away to college? Hell no, they go to community college, Do you want to go there? Is that what you want, to go to school across the street from where you are now, to live at home? Is that the case? If so that’s fine, saves me money. I’ll make your life a living hell. You think it’s bad now? Just keep getting C’s. Trust me, it will get a whole lot worse.”

That was the only reason I wanted to go to college, to get away from him. I didn’t have the slightest idea what I wanted to study, let alone what I wanted to do with my life.

“ I’m not gonna go to DVC dad…” I can scarcely even manage before he interrupts again.

“Your right, you aren’t. You think I’d let my daughter go to college for dummies? You’re grounded until your next report card comes, and it better be way f*****g better than this one, you got it? You are gonna do nothing but eat, sleep and do homework for the next few months.  I’m sick of this bullshit. Now get the hell away from me.”

Gladly dismissed by a wave of his hand I turned around and walked straight down the hall into my room, wiping my eyes and trying to mask the tears as a runny nose as I walked past my brother.

“Hey, Alex, Do you think you could give me a ride to the mall? I’m supposed to meet my girlfriend…”

“I don’t know Jake, you gotta go ask mom or dad, I had to give them my keys when I got home.”

Jake was a star athlete, just like our Dad was back in the day. My father had always wanted boys, and they were going to be athletes so he could revisit his glory days. Not that I think he was sexist, he had no problem with my mother making more than twice his salary. It was just the basic everyday things, like girls did laundry and dishes and wore pretty things, while boys did the outside work, lifting, grunting, and sweating.

“What did you do now?” his voice wasn’t accusing, he knew how our father could be sometimes, even if it was never directed towards him.

“Got a C in Algebra on my progress report.”

“God, I’m so glad I’m not you right now. He’d probably defend my grades to mom even if I had straight F’s though.”

I turned to look at my bedroom door, white, with small scuffs of black from things that where no longer distinguishable from each other in my mind. Three steps, that’s all there was between me and my sanctuary, three steps…

“Alex!”

The three steps turned in to three miles as the hallway stretched away from me. A sludge hammer smashed my heart; he’s not done. Oh S**t, he’s not done.

“ALEXIS!” the roar practically shook the house, I could hear my mom in her office shuffling papers, trying not to get too involved unless she had to. I knew she would come up with a lame excuse for him when she talked to me later. It would be something along the lines of, “Honey, he loves you, that’s why he yells, he cares so much. He just wants to see you do well.”

I used to believe that; that he just wanted to see me do well, but I knew better now. He would never fool me again. In his eyes, I wasn’t his daughter anymore, just trash he wanted to get rid of. I think that was the real reason he wanted me to go away to college. If I was away, then he wouldn’t have to see my face.

“I swear, if I have to say your name one more time…” Icy words shattered  the momentary peace.

“Yeah Dad?” I say, as cheerfully as I could manage. I’d learned over the years that the only way to combat his ferocity is to pretend that nothing was wrong.