Chapter Four

 

     “Damned fool…” Said Ayos, a filthy man, wrenching his blade from the head of the lifeless coachman. “Has anyone found anything worth mentioning to the general?” He glanced around, surveying his small group of men as they investigated the clearing. A few had already claimed the abandoned carriage, pilfering any small treasures they could find.

     "Aye." Replied a slithering voice that belonged to a very tall and thin man with a narrowed gaze. He remained in a crouch, and with the very tips of his fingers he lightly traced the edges of a footprint that had been left behind in the snow. “A woman has passed this way not too long ago. She's headed towards the north-west."

     Ayos nodded in return, an uneven grin forming on his roughly shaven face. "The north-west it is…"

     With that he turned towards the darkness of the forest and raised his torch, sweeping it through the air.  Within seconds, miniature orange glows appeared from an outlying hillside and then spread out before him like wildfire. They moved, gliding downward through the darkness with ease.

     As the distance between shortened in their advance, the glows began to resemble twisting flames that traced the chilling sky.  Eventually a faint rumbling began, a charging beat that grew as each moment passed.

     "Here they come," said Ayos with a low chuckle, and with his dirtied fingers and cracked lips, made a sharp rounding whistle.  The men responded, leaving the coach, its treasures, and the dead man that once drove it. They gathered by Ayos, curious eyes watching the firey glows and the dark figures that raced towards them from ahead.

     A string of mounted warriors emerged from the thicket. Their all black uniforms blended in seamlessly with the hide of their black stallions. They circled Ayos and his men silently, though their eyes seemed to boldly speak for them, a bloody red, full of hate. Ayos simply smiled, watching as the pale woman who seemed to control these warriors, came into view.

     "What news have you to account for, soldier?" inquired the woman as she led her horse towards Ayos; she gazed at him through one green eye, while the other half of her face remained hidden behind a trail of her long black hair.

     "You must be the beautiful Ellie." Ayos again revealed his uneven grin while the woman said nothing. One of her soldiers on the other hand responded, stepping in closer, glaring madly.

     Ayos cleared his throat. "My men and I carried out our duties.  As you can see..." he lifted a hand and watched as the woman’s one visible eye glanced over at the overturned coach that rested behind him.

     "Very well, but where is the woman?" her eye focused back on him, narrowing as she tilted her face slightly to once side.

     "Well," Ayos began before clearing his throat once more, "she somehow managed to escape. But I believe she’s headed toward the north-west."

     Ellie remained silent while her body slid gracefully down from the large horse, her lone eye remaining locked with his. Afterwards she walked towards him, inching closer until she could feel his hot breath against her icy skin.  Lifting a pale arm, she rested her hand against his cheek, allowing her fingers to lightly trace from his jaw line, down to the chin.  She then offered a gentle smile before using her other hand to comb back the hair that covered the other half of her face.

     She watched as his once confident and grinning expression contorted with horror.  He tried pushing her away, but she was quick to respond and through her piercing gaze, sent the man into a paralyzing trance.  Her long hair fluttered all around her while her eyes evolved into a colorless white.

     "Show me..." She whispered.

     

Reviews

[Autumn]

Ok, so as you do for me, I'm going to give my best go on a constructive review. I do love your story so far, it's peaked my intrest.

I became a little confused after paragraph four as you mentioned orange glows. At first, I felt like you were talking about the men who were looting the carraige and possibly finishing the chapter from the perspective of Lady Leon. But now I'm not as convinsed you are. Since it is someone else, maybe try rewording it a tad so people aren't so confused when you bring mention to the fire.

Ther are a few places throughout your piece where I would have put a comma, but I'm not sure if it'd be neccasary, or if it's just my own writing style coming into play. Such as when you describe the woman leading the soldiers, I would have said her hair was "long, black" rather than "long black".

I love how you make a point to show that the woman is covering one of her eyes for a reason. As to when the incident occures, maybe prolonge it with discriptions of his pain, or slight thoughts of his panic.

I am curious to see how this eye effects the story and what role this new woman plays. Very nice, I was not expecting that.

How'd I do?
~Autumn

[nostal]

Beautiful quick snippet writing

[SilentVerses]

As always your writing holds an elegant fluidity throughout, interesting developments that intrigue and pull the reader in further. Your descriptions are gorgeous and perfectly set the scene you write whilst paralleling the eerie atmosphere, like it.

[Adoshem]

I think the story really picks up from this chapter! Ellie really interests me with her uniqueness. Hope shes involved heavily!

[EMF]

Again, a perfect chapter, but ( Sorry, always a but) the Thugs speak very good Queens English. Maybe rough the language up a bit. And when the guy whistles... It is a very precice discription. Again, maybe make the action a little rougher, eg. 'He rammed grimy fingers into his mouth and whistled', something like that.
Don't know if that's any help.

[Truth]

Perfect. I like her. Great name, too, for Ayos. Btw, how do you pronounce it? :P