Scellotape Wings

About a Fallen Angel

Make the pain

Start

Don’t drift

Out of your mind

 

Tears fall

And I am falling

At least

I will feel

When I hit the ground

 

Hurt me

I want to be hurting

I would rather

Lose my mind

Than lose you

 

Make me whole

Sale of self

A mess for me to tidy

 

I want to scrub

The surfaces

Of my soul

Because stars fall

Before they can see stars

And I don’t want to stain

My white wings

 

Drag me up to earth

Take me to the ground floor

Let me be crushed with my own weight

And wings

 

Make me remember

Why I am making noise

Read me like I read you

Papers of paper

Break me

And I won’t be broken

 

I wonder

Yes I am starting to wonder

If you are really okay

 

Because your smile does not touch your eyes

And your voice is pressing and catching

And heavy

Weighed down with the wings

You do not use to fly

 

Should I be there

With my scellotape

And scissors

Trying to glue you back together again

When I do 

Not know how to sew

 

Fallen star

Why did you stand on a wall

Lie that it will be alright

And don't be wrong

 

Should I tell the truth

And keep writing

Is that what works

Is that what wakes you up

 

Sleeping Angel

Whose voice has broken

And who is broke

There’s still a bit of time left

For us to watch the sun set

And the sky fall

 

I want to hear your laugh

Weaving through the trees

And your eyebrows

Tugging together

And your voice

Tugging me in

 

You know it will hurt

When the world sees the pain

And the lost children

Coming home

To hell

 

But still

I smell heaven

And it smells like you

And flowers

In the summertime

So this time

Don’t let go of my hand

 

Would you watch me make a fool of myself

And be brave enough to act stupid

And be tough enough to be weak

And strong enough to say that I am not the strongest

 

I am beaten

You see the bruises beneath my eyes

The nightmares

Don’t let me sleep

And so I work

Through the night

 

But you see me

When you see me

You see that you are

Seeing yourself

Scellotaped wings

Don’t work

Unless we both

Believe they do

 

I may be beaten

But no one can beat me

At my own game

 

Angel getting

Crushed

And bashed up

Like drift wood drifting through water

 

Fairytale with fairy wings

Like some fantasy

Come alive

In more than my head

On more than my papers

A fantasy of sanity

 

And again

I say

That my stories are more than stories

And my truth is more than true

It is real

 

I have everything before I even know anything

You would think this life would be worth remembering

You would think it is too good to be true

You would think that for all the thinking that I do

I would know how to think

 

And I guess that’s why

I want to keep feeling bad

For all the things that are not my fault

 

But G-d knows

How little I know

And I do not know

What is going on

And I do not know why it was all going wrong

 

So many people catch my eye

So many people care that I do not care

So many people spot me and tell me things that I already know

 

That I could be the angel who actually flies

And it all flies through my mind like air rushing by

As I am already fly

 

You see it on my face

I am

From nowhere land

Like dePP and Birdy

Flying high

Like scorpions or maybe eagles

Heading somewhere

With my scellotaped wings

SpeLL-ed w.r.o.n.g.

 

And my fuel is burning

I twist the twisted truths to be true again

And to fly with them

 

Wish I would have an answer to the dumbest question of all

Of questioning itself

Don’t we know

That nothing makes sense

In a world

Of nonsense

 

Don’t we know

That we do not know anything

And I’d rather not say anything

Because I am always wrong

 

But you are not the first

To try to hold my hand

And fly with me on my spaceship

To the stars

 

But they are not spacey enough

To see what I see

You see

I don’t want to reach stars

I want to build stars

 

And spaceships

That fly to different worlds

Like flipping pages

When you read my writing

And you are in two places at once

 

Running through the cracks like crack

Running track

Mud, rain

Train

Still

Running

 

If that makes no sense

And if my nonsense makes

More sense to you

Than this world we find so 'sensical

 

Than maybe logic

Isn't so logical after all

And the secret is

That the secret isn't

To take

Off your glasses

To see

 

You are your own superman

In your own story

Flying to space

With spacey

 

Who speaks without saying much

And feels without feeling 

much

Muchness 

And words that are just words

 

Maybe I can make them see that they are not seeing

That pain is a joyful thing because it fills the empty space

Because at least then they are not the least

 

If the pain is everywhere

Then they are everything

And I fly in empty space

I guess that’s why my meanings

Don’t mean much

They are only guesses

Trying to see more than there is to see

In the nothingness we call darkness

 

And no

You cannot come with me on my spaceship

Go build your own

Go forth, keep faith

And keep writing

Your own story

 

And when you look at me like I am crazy

Which I may very well be

And wonder why I own a skyscraper

Just so I can show you all that I can reach it

And that you can reach it too

 

And I can be your benchmark

Because I can

Get you off your bench

Get you out

Of yourself

Who you are are

The school nobodies

Who may end up as somebodies

If you can only

Get back into your bodies

 

So somebody

Please hear

Me

In your silence

 

And if you wonder how I have done such wondrous things

And am staring down at this world from the stars

You can read my writing

And know that everything I do I did because someone told me I couldn't do it

 

And that my pain makes your pain look like child’s play

And we are all playing a game we don’t like playing

We made up games because we don’t know how to play our own

 

But we don’t even see like children

Who write in music notes

And cry and scream because they do not yet understand

No and knowing borders

And limits

And words

 

And know that at my most successful point

I may stop speaking

Because words are little borders pieced together to break them

And lies come true 

And maybe, maybe to break me

Just a little bit

So that I can break my sense of self

When I don’t even exist

 

I echo this world

I am parallel

I do not think I would be sick

If this world was not sick

 

So the looking glass is still hard to look through

And so maybe there is a different way to say this

The pain you feel you do not feel alone

I feel for you

And the darkness that you fill with monsters

Is like his wardrobe full of Brooks Brothers Shirts

And his soft sweet voice

Gone sour

 

Yes yes yes

I remember now

I remember everything

And I have memories too

 

Did I cheat myself

Out of myself

When I left you

 

Come back

You know that when you come

I will be waiting

For forever

It is a long time to wait

That I do know

 

But it makes no difference to me

You will look no different to me

I will be in whichever world you are in

Writing about stars and circles and curves

Without ever using them

So they can keep talking about what I do

Without knowing what I have done

 

And that though I am the half that is healing and is climbing out of the pit

You have fallen far below

And you are addicted to addictions

And you cannot get out of your bed and open your own wardrobe

To dress in your blue cape

And to see myself in your mirror

 

Tell them its all my fault

Tell them that your problems are my problems

And that everything you do wrong

Is because I wronged you

 

I will be waiting

Spacing out

Flicking realities

Until I find the one that is real

 

For real

 

Author's Note

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