I wonder what the real world is like. I wonder what it means to live a dream. I want to feel those things, experience them – without my sickness attached because if it were there then I’d be getting a fairly skewed experience of life, wouldn’t I?
Suzanne says that until I make the decision to never vomit again, I’ll be stuck in this somewhere. Susan says that you’ll never recover until you let go of the drive for thinness. & the awful thing is that they’re both right. They’re so right that it’s frightening. I’m not ready. I want to experience life so much I feel like I could explode being trapped behind a regulation hospital curtain, living out of a wardrobe with a key – but I’m not ready to make those choices yet. What if this falls through? What if I’ve been sold a con? What if “life” is the con, not perfectionism? Until I know for sure – I need something to fall back on. This served a purpose and to be quite honest, it hasn’t done a half bad job. I can’t let go until I know for sure there’s something else. It won’t be goodbye because I’m just taking a raincheck.
When I say it like that it sounds quite dreadful, doesn’t it? It makes it sound like I don’t want to get better – like I want to starve myself silly and puke until I’m dosed up on morphine for the pain the stomach acid causes. But that’s not it, that’s not it at all. I want to live, goodness I do. But just in case it falls through I need a safety net. I’ll let go when I know I’m safe, when I don't need a safety net underneath me anymore because I'm never going to have to fall that far.
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