a blind leap of faith

A Chapter by rachelgeorgina

A description of what it seemed to be like to "fall" into illness. Into instability, darkness, confusion - to fall away from life. &, the beginnings of crawling back up, of clutching for the light.

I think there was a brief lull - an interlude of sorts - before things fell. I can recall the sound of the crash, partially because it was so loud you'd never hear it, & mainly because that was went everything went black.

Black. It was a darkness that you couldn't break through, there was no way out. The only thing you could possibly do was sit and wait for it to lift... or so I thought. I think I assumed it was a trap. Well, actually, that's a lie, because at first I thought it was a cruel joke... That someone had pulled the wool over my eyes and all I had to do was sit & wait for them to lift the blindfold - for the joke to be over with a few laughs and a turn of the shoulder. No one ever did, though. & it took me a long, long time to figure it out. So, for a time, I sat.. & I waited - it felt like forever. & nothing changed. The darkness was ever-pervading, ever present - always there, black, silent... completely unspoken, waiting for you to figure it out.

Maybe I was fooled into some sort of false sense of security. Maybe I was just hopeful... Maybe I'm actually an idiot. I don't know what the answer is. But when I realised that no one was going to lift the blindfold, that no one was there to hold my hand & guide me away or flick on the light switch - I began to spent a long time thinking - wondering what to do, or whether doing anything was even a good idea. Perhaps someone will come, I tried to assure myself. & of course they never did.

& one day, after my brain was worn out from thinking, analysing and over-analysing again & again & again, I found myself getting to my feet. There was no prior thought to the action. I just stood, & I didn't second-guess myself. I stood. & I jumped. It was, in all honestly, a blind leap of faith.

It was when I realised that nothing was going to change while I waited that it came to me. I had to do something about it myself! I had to create a catalyst for change. Without knowing what I'd land on, or whether I'd come out the otherside relatively unscathed & okay was not for my knowledge. I had to leap blind and hope... hope for anything that would let the sun flood in. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going to. I just jumped.

& I believe, that has made all the difference.