Numb

A Poem by sugarandsap

Trigger Warning for Sexual Assualt victims

Numb, it is how I feel, it is who i have become, it paralyzes my body, my thoughts, my soul, I am numb. Numbness invaded me when you did. Numbness eclipsed every breath I sought to breathe. Numbing sensations penetrated my body, penetrated my innocence, my soul. Numbness became me. Numb I am. I long to feel again, feel the breeze slip through virgin fingers, feel skin encapsulated in summer sweat, I long to feel a sad soul rest lightly in an untouched body. I long to feel again. But I do not feel anything. I feel sadness, pain, anger. I feel embarrassed, desperate and hopeless. I feel all these things that have numbed me. How can I feel yet not feel at all? How did you have the power to take away everything and leave me with nothing. How am I so numb, yet I cannot stop feeling? Would you pinch me, so I can say I felt it? Would you force yourself inside of me, so I can say I felt it? Would you kiss me when I say no, so I can say I felt it? or could you do all of this so I can say I feel nothing? You have numbed me but I’ve never felt more in the entirety of my life. You are a contradicting memory that makes me sick. There, I felt that, that wave of nausea as I remember the dull thrusts, the aching pain, the grunts, I feel that right now like I am back there again. I feel you on me when I sleep. When I wake. When I shower, when I laugh, when I cry, when I sing, when I dance. You are there. I feel you, your presence, your memory. My memory. I feel it all. I have been numbed of the things I once loved. once cherished. Now all I feel is you, all I feel is sadness, you have numbed me of the things I once longed to touch, longed to feel, longed to love. You have numbed me completely. You have taken away a part of me that I will never feel again. I am numb but I feel you, not in the way that you felt me, but I feel you and I guess in feeling you, I just become numb again.