Hope

A story of surviving depression and anxiety, as well as cutting.

I used to fly

I flapped my wings

Soared through the sapphire sky

Not afraid, not scared

Weightless

But I flew on paper wings

Paper wings that broke and crumpled

I flew too high

My wings were torched in the light

I fell to the earth

Trying to hang on to things

Slipping through my fingers,

Desperately trying to cling on

But still slipping,

Still falling.

The world slipped past my eyes

All I could see was the blackness of despair

Despair that cased itself around me

A leaden vault,

Encasing me in its dreadful fall.

I hit the ground,

Rocks scratching my body,

Trapped at the bottom of an endless hole.

There was sun at the top,

A long way away

Impossibly far,

Light years away.

I sat at the bottom of that hole

Sat there for years,

Making no effort to climb up.

It seemed so hopeless

Why should I even try?

The rocks dug into the palms of my hands,

The soft skin of my wrists

And I liked the pain

I began to worship it.

It was my savior

Jesus couldn’t begin to compete.

The pain was all I could think of

My love, my life, my only hope.

Then a voice, from the world above,

A face, the first to look at me.

You convinced me to climb.

It’s been a hard climb.

You are still the voice

Coaxing me to climb to you

To the world I have so long been absent from

I can see it now

Just beyond my reach

Children laugh and people hug

Music and sunshine fills the air

You take my hand

Together we can make this climb

Perilous as it has been

Perilous as it will be

I will be free.

Someday I will walk in the sun again

I may never fly again

The weight on my shoulders is far too great

But I will walk in the sun

I will feel the light on my face

The warmth of another human’s arms.

Someday I will have hope again.