My dad

For my always supportive, loving, caring father who never had a harsh word to say to me.

Every day’s the f*****g same,

Every minute, every hour

Ticking by on life’s clock,

Unchecked, unhindered, unwanted

Time passing before time ends

Every day’s the f*****g same,

I lay in bed,

I hear you scream my name

What choice do I have but to hear?

You say I’m worthless,

You say I’m useless,

I don’t think I’m a w***e, daddy,

I’m really not a s**t,

I’m sorry, daddy, I never meant to lie

I’m not trying to be a b***h,

Please, just listen!

Don’t you hear me pray

Every night, to a god that doesn’t hear?

Don’t you hear me cry?

It’s all because of you

Not to point the blame

But I’m so ashamed to be seen with you

I know what you do to me

Even if the rest of the world doesn’t

You can tell them I’m lying

It doesn’t change a thing

I still know it,

I still feel it.

What if you find me dead,

What then, daddy?

Then will you care about your oldest daughter?

When grandma died it should have been me

I planned it to be

You never wanted me,

I know I’m a disgrace

Be disappointed, be ashamed

I know that I can change the world

Someday you’ll see me,

I’m going to make a difference

And I hope that you see that I could have been

So much more than the psychotic wreck I am

You ruined my potential,

You left and came back

Why didn’t you stay gone?

Why did you come back?

I don’t need you in my life,

We were happier without you anyway

Mommy, she treated us well

Not like we were curses who ruined her

She loves us, unlike you

Why did you make me if you didn’t want me?

Doesn’t matter, I’m here

You can’t be rid of me now

You can’t skip out on child support anymore,

Face the responsibilities,

Look at your kids as if we were your own

Act as if you actually loved us

Like parents should

We’re not your toys, we’re not your slaves

We’re not your punching bags

Do you see the fear in Gracie’s eyes?

Don’t hurt my baby sister,

Hurt me instead,

I deserve it, not her,

Stop, please, I didn’t do it!

Daddy, why? Don’t you love me?

Every day is the same f*****g thing

Every day I feel the same f*****g way

I’m never good enough

I’m never strong enough

I’m never f*****g perfect enough for you,

Am I, huh?

I’ll change the world and you’ll just shrug

But wait, just wait

I’ll be out of here yet

I’ll adopt a kid, I’ll be the best damn mom

That anyone’s ever seen,

No one will hurt my baby

No one will hurt her like you hurt me

You make up for it in public,

You know they can see you,

You pretend you love us

But at home, everything changes,

You’re our puppetmaster,

We’re your puppets

Put on strings,

Forced to bow to your every whim

Look at me, dad,

Look at the mess I am

You tore me apart

I could have been so much more

Instead my body is full of scars

My mind is sick, my heart is torn

I don’t know what to say except to stop it,

I can’t take anymore

You push me too hard,

Put me under too much pressure

I crack, I break,

I’m only f*****g human!

I’m not perfect daddy

Even though I try

Keep pushing me off the edge,

Keep testing my strength

I’m not breaking beneath you

Even when you lock me in the closet,

Shouting that I am a failure

Shut up, you w***e,

Shut up or I’ll slap you across the face

My life is a series of funhouse mirrors,

Distorting all I see into a terrifying

Symphony of delusions and color

A twilight world between reality and fantasy

Nothing can be trusted.

You think I chose this life, Dad?

You think I chose to be f*****g insane?

I chose nothing,

You made me this way

Leave me the f**k alone before I shoot myself

If you lock me in that closet one more time

I’m ending it here and now

Then who will feel regret?

Then will you see what you’ve done to me?