The Homogenizer and Other Madness

Like every superhero story, there has to be a supervillan. Luke was tall, mean, pig-like, obnoxious, failing almost everything. He was a jock type"linebacker for the football team, he was the breathing personification of a brick wall. His favorite targets were Drew and Chloe. They nicknamed him “The Homogenizer.”

In their Folie a Deux, he was bulky and huge. About 400 pounds, with black, greasy hair. His eyes were squinty and hidden in the folds of flesh in his face. He wore"unfortunately"a black spandex costume with a green cape, a silver H emblazoned on his chest.

They, the superheros, wore matching colors"purple suits with rainbow capes. There was an L emblazoned upon Chloe’s chest, a G on Drew’s.

Lady Lesbo and Gay Guy.

Chloe’s suit was ridiculously tight.

“Really, Drew?” she said, as she struggled to pull the tight spandex uniform over her b***s. After it was on, the outline of her bra was clearly visible.

“Um, honey, you’re not going to be able to wear a bra with that. Just saying,” Drew said, looking her over.

“Well, I need a shelf bra or something,” she said, irritated, “I’ll impale someone with my n*****s.”

“YES! You’re right, Chloe, that’s our secret weapon! When all else has failed… BOOM! Impaled through the heart with n*****s! Go run and tell your mama!” He said, chortling with laugher.

She hit him"lightly, affectionately"over the head.

“I’m taking this crap off and sewing in a shelf bra. Sorry. No n****e impaling,” she grinned.

Drew shook his head. Sometimes, Chloe was incredibly bipolar.

“CHLOE! WAIT! I THOUGHT OF THE FINISHING TOUCH TO OUR CAPE!” He yelled.

“What’s your brilliant idea this time, Mr. Fashion Designer?” She asked, cocking her head to the pile of discarded costumes in the corner of her room.

“Masks. Wait! Masks in drag,” he grinned. She grinned back.

“Hell. Yes,” she said, high-fiving him.

They laid back on her bed, throwing out ideas and laughing, watching the star mobile she made earlier that week dance and sparkle with the light hitting it from her window, the orange curtains fluttering open in a warm spring breeze, bringing with it the laughter of the neighbor’s kids, the smells of Adriana’s garden below Chloe’s window. Chloe’s bed was soft, the down of the bed comforting, the smell of her perfume mixed with Tide, a wonderful sense of perfection in the world, a wonderful sense that existed only in the minds of the two teenagers within those lavender-painted walls.

                Drew often slept over at Chloe’s house; after all, they were both gay and out to their parents, and Drew’s mother was greifstruck, still missing her husband. They would stay up until three, only to wake up at six to go to school.

Often eyebrows were raised at the closeness between Drew and Chloe; but when they checked out other people, members of their same sex, the idea that there was something between them quickly and rightfully discarded.

No, Chloe’s heart was set on another woman. Beautiful Amy Fleur, the French beauty that moved in two doors down. She had white-blonde hair, eyes of the brightest, most intelligent blue, skin like that of a lily, lips like two rose petals, hands like two doves. She was radiant, her beauty only made everyone else glow, instead of stealing it as other beauties might.  Amy sometimes sat next to Chloe, occasionally asking about her mother, sometimes wondering about their latest French homework.

Unfortunately, the Homogenizer also took a fancy to Amy. He treated her as his property, and although Amy resisted with all her heart, she was just too delicate. Like a flower. Like the most beautiful, freshest, most full-blooming rose in the garden, she attracted all the attention. The Homogenizer was just the biggest.

Drew’s heart was set on another man, as well. Damien Criss. He was senior class president, quarterback of the football team, immensely well-liked by everyone (even the band geeks and drama kids, who usually just keep to their own cliques, occasionally intermingling only with each other.) He had a fashionable haircut, a chiseled face, dark eyes, dark hair. Dark hair that looked so so soft, too soft for him to be straight. Also he dressed extremely well. Better, even, than Drew himself some days. However, Damien was dating the head cheerleader, Aubrey, who was the Homogenizer’s sister.

They sat together that bus ride, talking in low whispers.

“Damien’s so hot..” Drew said, licking his lips.

“You’ll never get him. I, on the other hand… absolutely love Amy. God! My hope! My dream! My love! My life!” Chloe cried, clutching a fist to her chest. 

“Okay, Sara Heartburn,” he whispered.

This was met by a stony glare, to which he responded with a dazzling smile.

“Okay, Drama Queen. Here’s the deal. We’re gonna talk to our prospective mates today, both of us,” Chloe said.

“Oh, but he’s so hot! What if I freeze up?! Then what?” He said desperately.

“Then you should just touch him and be fine,” she grinned.

This time it was his turn to glare.

“What do you ask an incredibly hot girl to start up a conversation without looking creepy? Hmm, maybe I should ask her what she thinks about gays, then I can work in somewhere that I am, and HOPEFULLY!!! OMG! She’ll say, ‘Really? Me too!’ and then she’ll ask me to run away with her to our undersea castle. Cool. Yeah. That’ll be great,” Chloe said, thinking out loud.

“Should I ask him what college he’s going to? I’m sure he’ll know by now, with only three weeks of school left. Yeah, that’ll be good. And I’ll ask what the demographic is, if they have any gay people, and if they do I’ll ask him if he is one. Hopefully he won’t be offended…” Drew said, chewing on his lip.

“By the way, Chloe, you’re looking fab-tastic today. I believe these were handpicked by me?” He said, running a finger over her ribbed red dress. It was simple but stylish.

“I believe they were indeed!” She laughed.

“I have such good style! Hey, Chloe, when are you going to be done with that bike? I hate taking the bus to school.”

Ah, yes. Their bike. The Batmobile of our gay superheroes. Chloe had bought it dirt cheap, and fixed it up herself. Super auto mechanic she was, she would have fixed it in a matter of moments. However, a lack of parts and funds to purchase said parts had held her back a bit.

“Probably by the end of this week. I’ll mow some lawns, read some palms. I just need fifteen more dollars, and then I just have to put it all together. It’ll be kick-a*s, I’m going to paint it bright red and we can put some custom decals on it, like our G and L logos on it. No! Wait! I’ll paint it rainbow! YES! Okay, that’ll take me a little longer, though, I don’t have all the airbrush paint I need. That’ll be another half a week,” she said, pausing to add the numbers in her head.

“Mmm. I’m looking forward to fashion design today. Wanna see my designs? I got a supermegafoxyawesomehot new sketch in here, wanna see?” He said, digging through his cluttered backpack.

“You already showed me. The Birth of Venus one?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty kick-a*s.”

“Will you wear it?!”

“Uhh… sure…”

“You’re wearing your costume under your clothes, right?”

“Yeah, of course. We’re superheroes in disguise. I gotta have my super kick-a*s spandex suit on.”

“Well, it gives your b***s awesome lift, just so you know.”

“That’s because it’s so goddamn tight!”

“Yours is only a tank top and long pants.”

“Which I rolled up.”

“Cool. Better hope you don’t get lucky in the locker room, you might have a tough time explaining that.”

“Shut up!” she grinned.

“Chloe and Amy, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!”

“Oh how old are you? Four?”

At this, the bus slid to a stop in front of Amy’s house. She smiled at Chloe and Drew, then sat down.

Chloe and Drew rode the rest of the way to school in hushed conversation and low laughter. Then the bus squealed up to the curb of the school, opening its doors with a hiss. The overweight, hairy bus driver who insisted on incessiently wearing sleeveless shirts told them to get off, to which everyone all too willingly complied.

“Okay. I’m going to ask her out today at lunch,” Chloe said, a grim determination in her eyes.

“Oh dear. I know that face. What torture will you subject that poor girl to?” He said, clucking his tounge and shaking his head.

“Something that even the Homogenizer will be impressed by. I have study hall second block. That’s plenty of time to do what I’m planning.”

“Finally, taking a useless class like Study Hall comes in handy!”

“Shut up. When you’re taking seven AP classes, then you can talk.”

They said their goodbyes and walked to their separate first blocks, Drew’s being Macroeconomics (forced upon him by his parents) Chloe’s being AP Chemistry. She hiked up the stairs, melting into the crowds of chattering voices and footsteps. He caught a glimpse of Damien, heading off to Calculus.

“Hey, Damien!” Drew called, in spite of himself. He clapped a hand over his mouth.

S**t. Now what?

“Hey! It’s Drew, right? Yeah, you’re dating Chloe, right?” He said, smiling.

Ew. That’s not a good beginning.

“Yeah, I’m Drew, but I am not dating Chloe! She’s my lesbian best friend. I’m gay, too, by the way. I was wondering, if we were to establish a GSA at this school, would you be willing to join?” He said, speaking quickly.

Damn, right! He’s a senior. That was a stupid question.

“Oh, really! It’s a shame it’s only just now starting. I would love to join the GSA, but as you know, I’m a senior. And… I’m beginning to question my sexuality myself, you know? Just between us. I mean, Aubrey’s a nice girl and really pretty, as well as the perfect addition to my rep, if you know what I mean. But when I kiss her, or… you know, when we, um, yeah…” he looked extremely awkward and uncomfortable, “Do it… I just feel kind of gross. Like what she has just holds zero appeal. So I kind of imagine sometimes, when I close my eyes, that she’s a guy. A guy with a really high voice. And I refuse to touch her, you know, b***s.”

“Wow, you serious?” Drew said, shock mixed with utter joy written all over his face.

“Completely.”

YESS!!! HAAHAHAHA YES YES YES! IN YOUR FACE HOMOGENIZER! HAHAHAHHAHA HE WILL BE MINE! I CAN HEAR THE BELLS!!! I MEAN, I COULD IF I LIVED IN CANADA BUT BECAUSE IT WOULD “RUIN THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE” IN A COUNTRY WITH A 50% DIVORCE RATE. BUT WHAT THE HELL. IT’S F*****G GREAT ANYWAY.

“Oh, that’s some serious s**t, man. Just always know that you are who you are and you can’t change that. There’s a world of people here to help you and accept you. There’s always going to be those people who put you down and try to get you to change and conform to their beliefs, but don’t listen to their crap! You’re an amazing person. And if you want to break up with Aubrey, tell her the truth. She’ll appreciate it, and girls love gay guys. But the most important part is accepting yourself. You can flip the bird to anyone else who doesn’t accept you for who you are, but your self-acceptance is absolutely crucial. If you ever need to talk, I am right here.” Drew said, smiling, putting his hand on Damien’s arm. They both smiled.

Damien took Drew’s other hand, intertwined their fingers together.

“Thank you, Drew. I really appreciate it. You think we could talk more during lunch? I’m going to be late for Calculus,” he said. He didn’t drop his hand.

“Well, if Chloe’s day goes as planned, all hell will break loose during lunch. So how bout after school, on the bus? I’m going to Chloe’s, like usual,” Drew said. He didn’t drop his hand either.

Damien just smiled. Their eyes were locked on each other’s for but a moment, but just as Drew was leaning in for a kiss, the bell rang. Damien dropped his hand, called out a goodbye, and sprinted down the hallway. The spell was broken.

Drew walked to Macroeconomics slowly, as if in a dream. Every step enchanted the shining tile floors and green lockers with rainbows and unicorns and happiness.

A chance with Damien Criss! Ahhhh, dream coming true…

Not even the frosty hiss of Mrs. Keim, his Macroecon teacher, could kill the dream. Not even the detention for having too many tardies, she’d forget to give him the slip anyway…

The bell rang for second block. Chloe sped off, almost upsetting a beaker of God-only-knows-what in her wake. She almost bowled over some gossiping freshmen in her rush to get to study hall. They deserved it anyway. Stupid freshmen.

                Lunch came for Drew, Chloe, Amy, and Damien after the bell rang. Chloe touched up her already remarkable beauty before heading down to the cafeteria, poster in her backpack.

As soon as the bell rang again, signaling the start of lunch, Chloe climbed the stairs overlooking the hundreds of loud teenagers eating enough food to fuel a small developing nation. She took a deep breath, and pulled the airhorn she had mysteriously acquired out of her pocket and hit the button. Squeals from some of the girls resulted, as well as some of the more nervous students jumping about five feet. Everyone glared at her.

“Um, hello. I’m Chloe. And I want to do something stupid and ridiculous that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Well, you people live off that kind of stuff, don’t you? Ah well. Okay, here goes nothing…”

Out of her backpack she pulled a big green banner sprinkled with glitter, and threw it over the railing of the stairs.

“Amy Delacour, will you be my girlfriend?”

At these words a dull roar ran through the crowd of people whispering to their friends. One guy shouted “Yeah! Get it!” much to the enjoyment of his peers.

“Well Amy? What do you say?” Chloe said, her voice lost in the roar of the crowd below her.

Defeated, she turned around, ripping up her poster.

“Chloe!” Amy’s voice. Their eyes met. They ran to each other. Then everything was stopped in a momentous kiss that seemed to span hours, days, years, decades. She was vaguely aware of the applause of the majority of the cafeteria, but all that existed was bliss. Bliss sealed with a kiss.

Eventually, they separated. Amy’s face was so close that Chloe could count the faint freckles on her nose, like cinnamon. Her lips were red. There were tears sparkling like fresh dew on her eyelashes.

“What’s wrong, Amy? Why are you crying? Did I upset you?” Chloe said, frantically wiping Amy’s tears with her wrist. Amy caught her hand, wrapped her fingers around it.

“I’m just… just so happy,” she said, and kissed her with renewed passion. Two guys behind them started applauding"Damien and Drew. Drew was smiling widely, Damien had a wry smile across his face.

“Yeah Chloe!” Drew said, high-fiving her.