Welcome to Heartbreak

An introspective mind melter

My heart pounds so hard I can hear the crack of my sternum between the heavy gasps for air. I've ran for so long down this dark, lonesome road. Rain doesn't stop me, nor fog, sleet or darkness. I persist. I persist because it is what I have to do. They say half the adventure is getting there. Not tonight. The whole adventure is waiting for me at the end. At least, I hope it is.

The grip of emptiness holds tight as I run. My muscles and joints ache in an intensity like no other. Beads of sweat roll down my face as the cold air kissed at my neck. My body moves in perfect stride.

Breath...

In my mind, my thoughts spin around at supersonic speeds. In my mind all logic and reason cause me to focus on the facts - the fact that pain has lost it's flavor and life as fallen from my heavenly grace. In my heart I feel nothing. I have freed myself from the bonds of emotion. To act and think and breath and live for the only truth. Love is just a word.

Each step I take I feel myself growing closer. The barren space beyond the dirt road breaks way to interlocking branches of great dying oaks. Soon I find myself surrounded by them, their deathly weight bearing over the very path I run down. They greet neither friend nor foe. They remain still and heartless. Just another shelter from the stinging rain.

If love is just a word then why do others feel it? This question burns into my mind as all thoughts stop in mid-stride. When have I felt it? Have I ever felt it?

Breath...

Still I persist. I am creature of plausibility. I am a construct of bone and sinew. My being is greater than that of all I know. I am my own God. Who is to tell me that I will fall from grace?! With eyes of fury, I ride on the winds of malice. To me no goal is impossible. I am never in the wrong. I am complete.

My pace breaks as my green eyes catch glimpse of the distant sunshine. The darkness shattered to magnificent hues of purple and red. I know what lies beyond this horizon. So I quicken my pace and breath harder. Though my body wants to crumble into ash, I still persist. The end is so close I can taste it. It tastes of ash and smoke.

Breath...

Nothing more but a sign hidden to shadow - this is what I see as the light grows brighter. My lungs melt as I slow down, screaming for air. In a brilliant flash of white I reach my goal and go blind. I slow to a stop as I shield my eyes from the rays that burn my soul and drowned skin. I take a deep breath.

Breath.....

I collapse to my knees as Apollo's arrow pierces my heart. My body is broken. My mind too quick to grasp. All I see as my eyes regain focus - a desolate city of ash and shadow, lost to time. Is this what I was waiting for? This was the harsh reality of it all. After all this time, after all this pain, this is what I wanted and never knew. My heart fails to beat as I look to the sign and confirm my worst fear. The broken sign reads in such simple worn lettering.

"Welcome to Heartbreak"

Author's Note

3rd Draft. Possibly one of my best pieces and definately one that has gotten a lot of good reviews. This got a part 2 when I accidently added "to be continued" in the author review section and didnt realize it, so people wanted to see the follow up - A Kiss to Build a Dream On.

Reviews

[CMBryan]

Fantastic dude, simply fantastic.

The story draws you in immediately and your flair for imagery is there in full swing for the entire story. I would have to agree that this is one of your best pieces. I really like the repetition of Breath... very nice mechanic.

I only noticed one error during my read through, the very first

Breath....

is not capitalized and with the rest of them being capitalized it would make sense to fix that.

Other than that I'd do the whole read aloud and scan for any grammar or punctuation errors, but with this being a 3rd draft you probably won't have a ton of them.

You got whole lot of talent bro.

[Anne Martin]

I'm a little confused by this. Firstly, do you mean "breathe" (verb) as you must remember to breathe? Or breath, as in I am now taking a breath (noun)? The difference is huge.

I've never been a fan of present tense narrative, except in particular situations that I won't go into here. If find that it separates me from the action a little, while it attempts to do the opposite. In this, it almost works, but the character is a little too omniscient, saying his thoughts are racing, yet you don't tell us what he is thinking of. I think your excellent metaphor would be better served by an omniscient third-person narrator, otherwise you should show us that his thoughts are racing (rather than telling), by delineating some ... and making those thoughts as breathless as the action.

I would like to hear more about the city and the heartbreak. The narrator concentrates on his own pain and broken heart, but I don't understand why he is running, or from whom ... and who is welcoming him to heartbreak? My questions are partly educated by having read your sequel to this first story. It left the same questions, why run, what was the heartbreak, and why is he dying. The city is obviously a metaphor, but even so, I think it needs a little elaboration.

The style of both instalments could be a little more efficient. The repetition is obviously intended, but (for example) your first sentence might read better as:

My heart pounds, cracking my sternum between gasps for air.

or

My heart pounds, as gasps for air crack my sternum.

There is a slightly mixed metaphor in your version, too. What is causing the cracking, the pounding heart or the heaving breath? I'm still not happy with my alternatives, especially since this is your first and most important sentence. And the sentence that follows has a tense error: I've run, not I've ran.

Saying all that, I think the language is poetic with strong imagery and good structure. I just feel like I'm not getting the whole picture.

[Dr. Robert]

Thanks Bro. I'll go ahead and read it out loud and scan for those errors. I appreciate the review.