Storytime (+Biggest Pet Peeve)

Forewarning: This gets really personal and disgusting. If you cannot handle the mention of vomit do not read.

So, I want to start off by saying that I have not taken my anxiety medication since Christmas. I have felt empowered looking at the pill bottle and knowing I don't have to take it anymore and it has given me hope that maybe someday I can return back to 'normal' school instead of online school. Recently, my views changed on that. 

I have been having some troubles catching my breath when I walk up the stairs or wear tight fitted clothing. I am very healthy, I have never been diagnosed with asthma, and am fifteen years old, so this comes as a surprise to me. It has been going on for a while now so I decided to go to the MD 360, an Urgent Care with more knowledgable staff.

We walked into the MD 360 and I was fine. We filled out the paper work and sat down. A few minutes later, a woman came out and put a plastic thing on my left index finger to see my heart rate (I think). She said it was normal and went back to the offices in the rear of the building. So, we sat there in wait for what felt like twenty minutes to me, but my mom said it was almost exactly an hour. I don't know why it felt shorter to me. Anyways, I started to feel the effects of an anxiety/panic attack coming along. My heart started beating faster, my stomach sank like the Titanic, my thoughts wandered, and my eyes started to water. I reached over to my mom's phone and tried distracting myself with logic puzzles. It didn't work. Tears started to slowly run down my face. Then, my mom noticed. I told her I might need to leave and go home. She told me to go walk outside for a few minutes. I did, and that's where it went really wrong. I started sobbing. Anxiety and panic attacks are often between feeling slightly anxious to 'oh my God I'm about to die.' I was on the latter part of that scale. My mom came out and I told her I needed to go home. She was mad, but knew it was what I needed at the time.

She walked back into the MD 360 to cancel our appointment, which would've taken a really long to get to anyways. I sat in the car and called my dad. I told him what happened and that we were coming back home. When I got home, I calmed down and went into my room to be alone and deal with it myself. Some people find it easier to be alone, while others don't feel comfortable being alone (it could be personal preference or doctor's orders due to self harm/suicide precautions.) 

When it got to be about eight o'clock (20:00), I started shaking uncontrollably. I want to point out that I also had eaten very differently than I usually do that day; I ate egg salad, banana pudding, and fast food pizza. I usually eat much better than that (I believe it was a mixture of anxiety and stomach sickness). So, I was shaking uncontrollably, which was actually something I used to do when I was little and scared to sleep in my own bed. The shaking often led to dry heaving. That night, it ended up in me throwing up in my mom's room, then vomiting/throwing up into the toilet for ten minutes. I felt faint and couldn't stand up for about twenty minutes after that. I then decided that I didn't want to keep my mom up throughout the night and went to my room to deal with it alone again. It worked for a while, then my mom came in and started to talk to me about it, resuming my sickness. But, I wasn't throwing up anymore, I just had a very upset stomach. So, I sat on the toilet for a very long time, multiple times. I didn't sleep at all last night, and anxiety attacks give me the ability to not feel tired right now, as I write this with no sleep. I'll just wait until my body catches up to itself and I pass out at noon. Then the process can resume tonight. Fun. I'll also have to wait until my ability to eat comes back. Last time, I was on the verge of an eating disorder when I finally began eating again. Anxiety impacts your serotonin levels, that tell your brain when you're hungry and other stuff.

Anxiety and panic attacks aren't fun, so I naturally hate it when someone says they're having an anxiety attack. When you're curled up in a ball, sobbing, and puking all over yourself on the bathroom floor, you can say you're having an anxiety attack. So many people think it's just being nervous and it's not. It's terrifying and sometimes you feel like you're going to die. Sometimes, it leaves you wanting to die. I've only thought of that option once and quickly dismissed it. I couldn't do that to my family. Depression also isn't a one day thing. That's called being sad. Depression is ongoing and severe in a lot of cases.

If you have an anxiety disorder or depression, don't feel like you're losing a battle. Sometimes, you have to accept it. That's how I went for that long without having any anxiety problems at all without meds. I, personally, don't like taking meds for my anxiety. I feel it's unnatural but if it helps, and it seems to be the only long term method that does, I'll use it. So, I will be going back to taking my meds and a probiotic. Anxiety is never kind on my digestion. Sorry for the info, but I did warn you in the description. 

I don't feel like taking my meds is me losing or surrendering. I used to think that way and I wrote about that a lot in poems when I first had anxiety attacks, at the beginning of the year. I view it as a necessity at the moment. I have tried everything at this point: meditation, aromatherapy, yoga, etc., and it hasn't worked. 

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Thank you for sharing how this can be for you. I'm sure it helps others understand this & other similar disorders. I'm bipolar & I hated taking meds for it, so I spent years learning to manage my disorder . . . which sounds a lot like what you're doing. There are so many natural things that help, I'm always trying to find some new tool for my toolbox to manage being bipolar. I admire you for also wanting to follow this more natural path to the extent that you can. Good luck! (((HUGS)))

[HeyJadeXO]

I am sorry to see you going through this i remember being at that point myself.I didn't outgrow it until about 20 yrs old.If you need to talk I am an email away .

[Minus 2]

Man i have always loved your writings. Keep up the good work and i hope you do well!