Bad News

The Prince of Adria gets some bad news.

            “Adelynn,” Betram shouts from downstairs. She walks to the staircase and begins her descent slowly, careful not to trip on the uneven wood.

 “We will have a very important visitor today. He has had a very long journey from Nemark. I assume you will treat him well and aid to his every need. Am I correct in my assumption, Adelynn?” he asks.

“Yes sir. I will serve him to the best of my abilities.” Betram nods in agreement and returns to his study. To prepare for his guest, she begins cleaning around the house, wondering who could have this big of an effect on Betram. As she finished dusting the mirror in the hallway, she heard a knock on the back door.

Gideon sharply told her to stand by the entrance. He walked to the door, smoothed down his dress shirt, and opened the door, greeting the two soldiers now standing in front of him.

“I do hope you understand our informal arrival. We needed to be discreet,” explained one of the soldiers.

“There is no need to apologize. Please, come in,” Gideon replied, extending his arm to the side, inviting them in.

Adelynn shifted slightly to see the man behind the soldiers. She noticed a fine cloak, short brown hair, and a thin frame. The man turned, revealing the face of Prince Tobias Lendone. She gasped quietly and stepped backwards in surprise. She understood the tension in the house earlier now. They were housing the prince.

Gideon showed them into the dining room. Adelynn wished she had put some flowers in the center of the table. She’d heard violets were a favorite of the prince. Prince Tobias took a seat at the head of the table, his guards took the closest seats to him.

Betram then entered the room, “Alden Betram. I do hope my servants attended to you well,” he said after bowing to the prince, who nodded.

“Yes, your man was very considerate and forgiving of my entrance. I apologize for the sudden announcement.”

Betram took the seat at the other end of the table, facing the prince. “So, when will your father be joining us? I was told he’d be staying as well.”

“He should have already arrived,” the prince said with concern.

“Maybe he was delayed. I’m sure there is no need to worry, Your Highness,” said the soldier on his left.

“Yes, I’m sure he won’t be much longer,” said the other.

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Dinner passed on and Adelynn was constantly moving. A knock on the door was the only thing that deterred her from her work. She looked to Gideon, who was already putting on his coat and heading to the door.

He opened the door to only one person, another soldier. His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were red. Adelynn thought he looked as if he was crying previously.

“I must speak to the prince at once,” he said, sternly. Gideon led him into the parlor room. The prince sat on a red settee but stood when the soldier entered.

“Has there been any news on my father’s delay?” he asked the soldier quickly. The soldier stood still, biting his lip as if he was thinking of what to say.

“Your Highness, I have terrible news. A guard that was supposed to escort your father to this destination was found at an inn a few hours away. He was wounded in his arm but was able to get to the inn. King Francis was not as lucky, Your Highness. I’m so sorry, but your father was attacked and killed on his journey here.”

The prince slowly sat back down on the settee. His knee bounced up and down for a few seconds. Then, he headed upstairs, his eyes full of tears.

“Was Prince Tobias the first to hear of this news?” asked a soldier.

“Yes, the prince was the first briefed on his death. I thought it only the best that he knew first.”

“Adelynn, check on His Highness. Make sure all he needs, he gets,” commanded Betram. She nodded and started up the stairs to the prince’s room.

She knocked softly when she came to his door. There was no response. “Will you be needing anything, Your Highness?” she asked. Still, there was no answer.

Adelynn walked back down the stairs, into the dining room, and began cleaning up the mess from dinner.

Reviews

[Norbanus]

As always, this segment is excellent. The characters still seem a little flat, but there's lots of time to fill them out.

The only glaring issue i found is the behavior of the guards. I've made a few notations.

Excellent opening segments.


Here are my few comments:

“Adelynn,” Betram shouts from downstairs. She walks to the staircase and begins her descent slowly, careful not to trip on the uneven wood.
“We will have a very important visitor today. He has had a very long journey from Nemark. I assume you will treat him well and aid to his every need. Am I correct in my assumption, Adelynn?” he asks.
“Yes sir. I will serve him to the best of my abilities.” Betram nods in agreement and returns to his study. To prepare for his guest, she begins cleaning around the house, wondering who could have this big of an effect on Betram. As she finished dusting the mirror in the hallway, she heard a knock on the back door.
Gideon sharply told her to stand by the entrance. He walked to the door, smoothed down his dress shirt, and opened the door, greeting the two soldiers now standing in front of him.
“I do hope you understand our informal arrival. We needed to be discreet,” explained one of the soldiers.
“There is no need to apologize. Please, come in,” Gideon replied, extending his arm to the side, inviting them in.
Adelynn shifted slightly to see the man behind the soldiers. She noticed a fine cloak, short brown hair, and a thin frame. The man turned, revealing the face of Prince Tobias Lendone. She gasped quietly and stepped backwards in surprise. She understood the tension in the house earlier now. They were housing the prince.
Gideon showed them into the dining room. Adelynn wished she had put some flowers in the center of the table. She’d heard violets were a favorite of the prince. Prince Tobias took a seat at the head of the table, his guards took the closest seats to him.(Doesn’t it seem strange that the guards would take seats. Surely in a royal household, guards would stand at a respectful distance and be alert for all things guardworthy?)
Betram then entered the room, “Alden Betram. I do hope my servants attended to you well,” he said after bowing to the prince, who nodded.
“Yes, your man was very considerate and forgiving of my entrance. I apologize for the sudden announcement.”
Betram took the seat at the other end of the table, facing the prince. “So, when will your father be joining us? I was told he’d be staying as well.”
“He should have already arrived,” the prince said with concern.
“Maybe he was delayed. I’m sure there is no need to worry, Your Highness,” said the soldier on his left. (Perhaps this guard need more definition. Consider: …said the higher ranking soldier, the one on his left.)
“Yes, I’m sure he won’t be much longer,” said the other. (these guards don’t show enough deference to the prince. If you follow my suggestion of giving them rank, the lower ranked soldier should say nothing. Perhaps an uncomfortable squirm, if you want to indicate a response from him.)
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Dinner passed on and Adelynn was constantly moving. A knock on the door was the only thing that deterred her from her work. She looked to Gideon, who was already putting on his coat and heading to the door.
He opened the door to only one person, another soldier. His eyebrows were furrowed and his eyes were red. Adelynn thought he looked as if he was crying previously.
“I must speak to the prince at once,” he said, sternly. Gideon led him into the parlor room. The prince sat on a red settee but stood when the soldier entered.
“Has there been any news on my father’s delay?” he asked the soldier quickly. The soldier stood still, biting his lip as if he was thinking of what to say.
“Your Highness, I have terrible news. A guard that was supposed to escort your father to this destination was found at an inn a few hours away. He was wounded in his arm but was able to get to the inn. King Francis was not as lucky, Your Highness. I’m so sorry, but your father was attacked and killed on his journey here.”
The prince slowly sat back down on the settee. His knee bounced up and down for a few seconds. Then, he headed upstairs, his eyes full of tears.(No stoic prince, this Tobias. Could he turn away from the others before he sheds tears?)
“Was Prince Tobias the first to hear of this news?” asked a soldier.
“Yes, the prince was the first briefed on his death. I thought it only the best that he knew first.”
“Adelynn, check on His Highness. Make sure all he needs, he gets,” commanded Betram. She nodded and started up the stairs to the prince’s room.
She knocked softly when she came to his door. There was no response. “Will you be needing anything, Your Highness?” she asked. Still, there was no answer.
Adelynn walked back down the stairs, into the dining room, and began cleaning up the mess from dinner.

[barleygirl]

Your storytelling is as visual as if I were watching a movie. It's clear you have this well-thought-out in your mind & that you're not just blathering some random conversation to carry the story along. There seems to be a little more intensity developing between your characters, which adds to the sensation of wanting to know what comes next.

[Quinn W]

You leave such flattering reviews. Thank you so much!!!!!

[matrixmark]

You painted a great picture of a story in another periodic time. The way in which you used your dialogue skills, fitted this piece perfectly. Asas read through the piece I had visions of the people standing in some kind of castle or some kind of grand hallway or room (if that makes sense)

Another excellent piece. It's different and I like different. It shows how you can adapt your writing to any kind of genre.

Lots of kudos.

Mark.

[Quinn W]

Thank you so much Mark. I tried writing something similar to this about a year ago, but it didn't turn out well.

[matrixmark]

You're welcome. You did good. To write a piece like this, is something which I couldn't do. It just shows the vast writing skills which you have.

Mark.

[Quinn W]

Aw thank you so much.

[matrixmark]

Always a pleasure to read quality work.

Mark.