My Anxiety Story

A description of my anxiety, how it's impacted me, and how I deal with it.

I have anxiety and it has had a major impact on my life. I'll get into that later but let's talk about when I first noticed it. I don't believe I was born with anxiety but I know when I began to feel it. In the eighth grade, every morning when my mom would drop me off in the car line, I would get this queasy feeling in my stomach. I loved school. It was the place I learned new things, saw my friends and teachers, and made new friends. There was no reason for me to be nervous because I'd been going to that school for almost three years. I didn't think much of it at the time because it went away as soon as I got to first period and it didn't restrict me from doing things.

That summer, I didn't have any plans. We didn't go on vacation until the end of July. So, everyday, I sat alone in my room reading. It was amazing! I read close to forty books that summer and I'm not talking Magic Treehouse, I'm talking Harry Potter. All of them were at least three hundred pages. I was busy and i loved reading so I didn't see a reason to stop. About midway through the summer, I started to notice that when my friends would ask to go to the movies, I'd make up a lie saying I couldn't go almost every single time. It wasn't because I didn't want to go though, something in my head told me to say no.

Nearing the beginning of my first day of school, we needed to take my sister to move into her college dorm. I woke up that morning and it was like a switch ad flipped in my brain. I had been fine, but then all of the sudden, my heart started to race, my stomach dropped. I felt so sick. Around an hour before my dad and I were supposed to leave, I threw up everywhere. I told him I was really nervous and I didn't know why. He made a sincerity joke,"Oh. you're just going to miss your sister while she's away at college. Don't worry." My sister and I aren't close. We never have been. We're complete opposites and I'd rather be in a room with a seven year old for an hour than her. Well, actually, it probably wouldn't be that different.

I got really mad at him for making a stupid joke when I was so concerned. I didn't know why I was feeling that way at all. I was scared. We ended up leaving about two hours late but it was a while before I felt that way again.

On the day I was supposed to get my schedule for the ninth grade and walk around to see where my classes were, I felt the feeling about ten times worse. I knew I was nervous. I tried not to think about it. It only made it worse. I threw up all over the house and my stomach was turning so badly. My mom basically told me to "suck it up" and she took me, crying, to the school. When we got inside, the lunchroom was packed. I felt like I was suffocating. I wanted to curl up into a ball and disappear. But, I made it through the orientation.

The first day of school was very similar. I told my best friend whom I carpooled with that I threw up that morning and she admitted that she did too. Then, I met this fantastic girl in my first period class. I recognized her from church and piano competitions. After learning more about her, I learned that she had anxiety too. She really helped me get through first period. She even introduced me to a few of her friends who were so nice.

Three weeks into school, it got a lot worse. The lunch room and the gym were the hardest places for me to be. I mentioned to my "friend" (in quotations because she was the only person I knew and sat with at lunch) that I would feel more comfortable sitting in the library and eating lunch. She said no in a way that made me feel unvalued. Like she didn't even care. Not wanting to be alone at lunch in the library, I stayed. I was terrified but I made it through. 

A few days later, I sat down and my heart rate wouldn't go down. Then, I felt a tingling in my fingers (a sign that I was about to have really bad anxiety). My eyes started watering and I made my way to the vice principal who was standing next to a trashcan. I asked him where guidance was and he gave some very bad directions. I found the hall and immediately burst out in tears. An administrator saw me and ushered me into his office. He asked me who hurt my feelings and I couldn't speak to tell him that wasn't why I was crying.

He called in a woman that sat down. She handed me tissues and didn't ask me any questions. I really appreciated that. When I had calmed down a little and was able to speak, I told her I was having anxiety. We talked for a little while and she called in another guidance counselor. She gave me a pamphlet about her work and when my mom got there, she told her what was happening and how she could help. I never ended up going to her for help.

That day was a Friday, so the next Monday I had school again. I woke up and felt fine. When I made my way into the kitchen, it hit me. I started to throw up nonstop. I wasn't even throwing up anything becasue my anxiety destroyed my appetite (in all my anxiety has caused me to lose fourteen pounds, I still, sadly, haven't been able to gain the weight back).  I told my mom to pick up my best friend and take her to school. She said she'd be back but that I was definitely going to school. Well, I didn't go to school that day and I haven't gone since.

That day was extremely stressful. First, we went to the doctor. He said suck it up. Then we went to the school and talked to a guidance counselor. She switched my schedule so I would go to guidance instead of gym. Then, I told my mom and my counselor that I'd been thinking about doing online school. My counselor gave us some pamphlets with information and my mom said no way. The next Tuesday I was enrolled in online school.It was the best decision I've ever made.

PS: My anxiety has not gotten better, worsened actually. I don't believe it is because of me choosing online school. I think that it's just part of my daily routine now. I'm waiting to hear back from a psychologist. I haven't been to one yet and I'm truly curious if it will help. It was part of my agreement with my mother that if I started online school, I'd go to a psychologist. She's starting to come around now to the fact that I can't help it and it's not my choice to have anxiety.

Author's Note

I wrote this to help myself feel better and so that I could show my psychologist this instead of trying to explain through my tears. This may sound harsh but I hope you'll understand, please don't comment breathing techniques or advice if you haven't had anxiety before.

Reviews

[Jamie]

I'm so sorry that you're experiencing such a strong reaction to the anxiety. It's different for everyone. I dropped about 40lbs in a month at the peak of my anxiety attacks. Had panic attacks just about every time I left this one little room in my parents' house, too. The anxiety that had my stomach turning all night. I paced, literally for hours, in circles around the the house, because it was the only thing that made me feel any better.

You're a courageous one for posting this, and a persevering one for pushing through and continuing to jump up and down, waving your arms around and saying "YO. I'M NOT SCREWING AROUND HERE. THIS IS REAL. I NEED HELP. PLEASE HELP ME." It's hard to understand for those that don't live with psychiatric disorders that they aren't fake, that they're very real, and that they're very disruptive to life untreated.

The psychologist will help. I have some other disorders, but I did a lot of what's called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is known for working well for anxiety. I'm also on medication for it. Medication is a good helper while you learn how to manage your anxiety in therapy. It helps you to function while you work on it in therapy. Everyone is different of course, but across the board, these things have been shown to be highly effective.

I've been working with psychologists and psychiatrists for seven years now, since I was 15. I'm also a clinical psychology major. Please, if you have questions or want to just vent or talk, send me a message. I'm not an expert. I'm not fully trained, but I can sympathize. I've walked many miles in shoes similar to your own.

Take care,
Jessie

[Jacob Clifford]

It takes a brave soul to share something so personal. The way you wrote this story was relatable for people who've had similar experiences, and I had a very good idea of what you were feeling. I really don't know of any ways to help, but time and struggle make people stronger. Don't give up.

[EvaThornburn]

This is so well written. I have anxiety too, so I can say I understand what you are going through.I thank you, for sharing. I'am sure it wasn't easy for you. I pray the LORD comforts your heart. Eva

[Marina]

Hi there. Thanks for sharing your problem. This past summer I started experiencing anxiety problems too. It all started when my parents returned home from holidays. I was lying on the sofa and as I heard the key turning, I remember feeling uneasy, my heart racing, my hands getting numb and about to cry. I was talking with a friend on a messenger and I described my feelings and told me that I am probably getting a panic attack. After that followed 2 months of darkness, as I had insomnia issues, panic attacks, dark thoughts, racing heart and shortness of breath. It stopped right after I left for a 2 week long travel, and it almost returned when I came back home, although this time I was prepared: I sat down and I wrote EXACTLY what I felt. Every little thing that happened to me on every day would be noted down, along with how these things made me feel. I got my sleep back. I know for a fact that my anxiety is still here, but I feel like I have controlled it in a way. Not totally, because I still have some issues, but it's nothing compared to the summer's nightmare. Hope you are doing well.

[barleygirl]

I really admire your bravery in telling your personal truth with such openness and an almost total lack of self-consciousness. Your telling of the story is so vivid, I could almost feel the way you must've felt. I think lots of people have never-ending low-grade anxiety & some have anxiety attacks, but your description is one of the most intense I've ever heard of. I think you might be on the high end of the scale, since these disorders are always somewhere on a spectrum of symptoms. As with me learning to live with bipolar, it can take years before you find the right tools to help you get thru these things pretty consistently. You are on the right path becuz you already have the self-esteem to not be squashed by people who tell you to "suck it up" and also to insist on what you need (like online schooling) to make your life better. I live in the boondocks for similar reasons & people think I'm crazy to live out here all alone at age 60, but screw them . . . nature is my sanctuary & people are my anxiety. You'll do fine if you hold onto your strong sense of self-preservation! (((HUGS)))

[April Showers]

Quinn, I won't comment on breathing techniques or advice. Even though I have suffered from anxiety attacked I think we each cope with them differently so what works for me may not work for you.
I can only applaude when I read things such as you've written. It takes courage to share stories that contain any ounce of personal struggle and yet they are so important to share for a couple of reasons. So that others can understand that it is a real struggle and break down certain social stigmas. Also, for me and others I know, it helps us organize our thoughts and leads to understanding why it happens. Well done. Thank you for sharing.

[Minus 2]

Hope you get better soon!!