"Be More Social"

Things I needed to talk about. May delete later if I feel better about it. Just needed to get it off my chest.

My parents always tell me to "be more social.", "socialize", "hang out with friends." They always say "It's not that hard." But it is. They don't understand how difficult it is. I can't do it. I've tried. I can't be my sister. She always knows how to start a conversation, make friends, talk to strangers, and engage people. She has stories of travels. I stories that I've read of travels. They don't understand. I can't just walk up to a person and talk to them. I don't initiate the conversation. I stand in the corner and wait for someone to come to me because if I go to them... it's too awkward. I'm too awkward. There are a million thoughts filing my head.

They don't want to talk to you. They don't even know who you are. They don't care. They already don't like you. Idiot. Just sit down and read your book. 

I have friends, yeah. But they're all talkative and they talked to me first when we met. They never think about me. Always invite other people to hang out with them, but not me. And on the rare occasion that they do invite me, it's like I'm the third wheel. They always talk to another person more. I get "Want something to drink?" Then, that's me done. they've been nice. Offered me something, talked to me. Mission accomplished.

I go days without texts from anyone but my immediate family. Coming home. Brought dinner. Working late. Out of class now. That's it.

I can't be social if no one wants to hang out with me. "Just text them!" "I can't!" They don't understand. I can't text first, talk first. It doesn't work like that. Some people say I'm anti-social. That I might have asbergers or some other disorder. I know I don't though. They just don't understand. 

At school, I work alone if I can. Group projects are dreadful. I'm the kid that has to get pushed into group at the end. Then their all pissed off because I ruined their group. I tried to work alone but the teacher wouldn't let me.

The summer is horribly boring. The most I do is go out to a movie once or twice with two friends. I like my books and stories. Sometimes I go to the mountains, the lake. It's fun. Do some zip lining, maybe bunji jump. I do fun things, it's just that no one does them with me but my family. Don't get me wrong I love them but they aren't my friends. I have a few really good friends and a lot of friends that are really just friends of my really good friends. They think I don't notice that they try to make me friends with theirs but I do. It doesn't bother me as much as it embarrasses me. They know it's hard for me to make my own so they feel like they must help.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Because I'm tired of it? Because I just need to get it off my chest? I don't know. I wish I was able to but it's just so difficult. So many people have the easiest time but I struggle so much. Sometimes I just want to cry. It's not like I don't like people or they don't like me, it's just hard to initiate conversation. I can talk to people fine once they start the conversation. Find similar interests and stuff, I just can't start it. I don't know why. Just faces. Judgmental faces, I guess. I don't like people to judge me. I always feel like they are, even though they might not be. "Just be social." It's too much.

Author's Note

Something personal but I'll probably take it down after a while.

Reviews

[-]

It is a wonderful look into who you are. Do not let it bother your and just accept who you are. We live in a extroverted world and you are looked upon as "weird' if you are not outgoing. It took me well into adult hood to understand this because I am an extreme introvert. Be who you are. I rather read books as well. Accept yourself and there are people who will love you and what to be around you just the way you are.
Blessings, N.

[Quinn W]

Thank you!!!

[T. Edana Talbott]

Oh my god. I don't know if you'd believe me, but everything you have put here - I feel, RIGHT NOW. I could not relate to this anymore - it feels like I've written this myself. Honestly, it made me feel so sad. I am so sorry you know this feeling, but trust me I understand you all too well.

I have always been so shy, I could never initiate conversations or have the confidence or courage to seek out and pursue friendships. I hated group projects as well, I hated being forced to work around others. I fear the judgement, yet I loathe the feeling of being ignored or less liked when I do attempt to "hang out".

SO many think socializing is just so simple, but Quinn, you are not alone. A great many of us feel and get what you're saying here. I am so glad that you put this up, and I hope you keep it up. It takes a great deal of courage to be so open like this as well, and who knows how many others may find this and relate to it. It just might give them peace of mind.

Thank you so, so much for posting this.

P.S. RATE IS OVER 9000

[Quinn W]

Aaaaaw! thank you so much! It a great but horrible feeling to know you're not alone!

[12.09am]

Loved the voice in this ! Don't take it down!! Really really enjoyed this piece, probably one of my favourites you've written! The voice is very down to earth and genuine,gives a brilliant perspective, you are such a wonderful writer !

[Quinn W]

Thank you!!!! I was really concerned about posting it because it was so personal but I've gotten so much good feedback I don't think I'll take it down anymore!

[barleygirl]

YOU BETTER NOT TAKE THIS DOWN! (please) . . . This is the kind of heartfelt genuine writing that really MEANS SOMETHING to people! You are writing my own story here. You include so many specifics that it's easy to walk in your shoes while I'm reading this. I think many people feel like this . . . there are always the ones who reach out, then when we get tired of reaching out, there's a deafening silence in return. It can really erode a person's self-confidence, so why wouldn't we want to keep to ourselves, after that? Thank you for having the courage to share this slice of REAL LIFE which is well-written & poignant (((HUGS)))

[Quinn W]

I probably won't take it down anymore but I'm thinking of writing a story where the main character also has this problem. haven't decided yet. Thank you so much! It makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not alone. You are so right! (((HUGS)))

[barleygirl]

This would be a good basis for a story . . . your piece here is quite story-like, becuz of the way you describe all the details of various situations & how the narrator responds to each situation in understandable ways.

[LSE Darwin]

Well, if you do take it down maybe you could use it for the basis of some fiction? I say that because it is something a lot of people can relate to. Even if the issue wasn't being more social, the idea of parents pushing something one child because the other child is good at it is going to hit home with a lot of people (for me, it was be more athletic, look your brother just won another tennis tournament; they assumed it was because I didn't practice enough, didn't want it enough, rather than I just am not athletic and never will be). My points is just that almost anyone can relate one way or another to this, and thus it can make a great story if you want the more personal aspect taken down.

[Quinn W]

Thank you! If I decide to take it down, I'll have to try that idea out.

[moonlit_cove]

Quinn, this is so well-written, and it really hit close to home for me. You just described my young adult years to a tee! (Well, with the exception that we didn't have texting in my young adult years) But I fully understand where you're coming from with this. I'm glad you posted it and that I read it today. Hang in there and keep the faith - it gets better. :-)

[Quinn W]

Thanks so much! It makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone! Thank you!